Lost

Now I'm more lovesick again. Or maybe just that I realised that I still won't let go. Yes, there was an ounce of a thought considering the fact that it might be possible to move on, but that hint of an idea is far gone by now. I'm lost in his eyes, completely lost, but it's okay. Even though missing K can hurt terribly much, it's still sweet and harmless in a way. Because the feelings themselves are not dangerous, and I'm stranded. I won't do anything, I promise. Except from yelling and crying and writing, that is.

He texted me again, that guy in WoW, saying that he would go and save me again. I can't help but feeling sorry for him. Yet I hesitated to leave it alone, for yet I crave his attention. His unconditional attention the way I've never seen such eagerness before. Oh well, maybe I have, but that's not the point. People have been obsessed with me before, as hard as it it to believe, I think there's been at least two other lovesick people craving me in my past.
 
I just want to feel something that is real.

I need to get out of here, just need to get out of here. But there's not enough air, not enough freedom, not enough calm anywhere. I'm so tired. The gym opens at 17:00, and I might or might not go there today. Still smoking too much, but it's been a rough weekend. That's an explanation, not an excuse. I don't have any excuses.

I've starved for 15 or so hours. Food still disgusts me and I'm still waiting for the hunger to just disappear on it's own. This is tearing me apart.

It feels like I just threw away a wonderful chance, someone who might had been able to accept me for who I am and who could have given me a chance. What if he was... no I can't say it, but I guess you know what I'm thinking. But my heart is closed, sealed and locked. I just can't let anyone else in anymore. It's too damaged, too scarred after have been broken too many times.

But then I let K in, and then I closed the gates. Closed, locked and threw away the key. I will never open my heart again. Not for anyone, no matter how wonderful or perfect they might seem. It won't fool me, I won't let them fool me. I only want K, and no one else. But I do crave for mutual love. But how can it ever be mutual when I'm so divided?

Even if they tell me the truth I still won't believe it. How can I after all I've been through? I'd sell my hopeless heart for anything.

It was harder to leave him than it was to be with him. I just leave everyone. No one has ever left me (except for one person), I leave them. That's the truth. Every relationship that has ended is because I couldn't handle it and left.

I probably won't go to the gym today. I just wanna disappear and stop existing. Besides, I can't find anything to wear. Can't wear jeans and all my sweat pants are dirty. I was so sure I had a bag with a clean pair somewhere, but can't find it and better stop trying to find it before I go all nuts and start screaming and throwing things. Cause that always happens when I can't find something that I really want to find. But I really should go out and do something else. I'm rotting in here.