For what it's worth

Saw my new contact person again today and as she kept going on about that I won't have my mother around forever, I decided to tell her that I'm pretty sure I won't outlive my mother, and sort of why.

Trying not to sound all too delusional I explained that I got a vision at the age of 15, and that I "just know" that I won't reach 30. I wasn't more specific than that really, but implied suicide. Yet I tried to tell her that I really want to make my life as good as I can until my time is up, and that is why I seek help. Didn't mention my bargain with Satan either, cause I thought that would just complicate things. Mixing in religion can do that, you know. You don't argue with religion, even if it's Satanism.

Though sometimes I wish people would. There's a lot to discuss regarding religion, any religion. But people tend to just go along with it, let people believe in what they want without even asking for a reason. Unless it's completely crazy shit, of course. But even then, sometimes. Cause I do think my own personal beliefs can be a little crazy here and there. With the whole hearing Satan speaking to me, writing contracts in my own blood, selling my soul and worshipping a deity that is said to be evil. But everyone knows I'm crazy already, and there's no arguing with crazy people. Just another delusion, right? Well, even if it is, it's still an important part of my life.

So I kept my crazy beliefs to myself this time. I met with her alone this time, since I got a sensation that she didn't want me to have my mother tagging along the time, at our last meeting. Exactly what I'm supposed to do with this third, I think... contact person, I don't know yet. I think she's supposed to be some kind of accommodator between my doctor and psychologist or something like that. Keeping tabs on me, making sure I'm doing alright just because. As if no one else has that job already...

Let's see now... First of all I have my all supporting mother, then it's the crew where I live, Marika my psychologist, and I've just stopped seeing my doctor to change to a new one (not my choice, she's moving to another department, like everyone else in her position she leaves too) and then there's this new person. My contact persons are one of the crew, my shrink and now the welfare officer I saw today.

Like all these people trying their best not to let me fall apart and it just barely helps. Getting the big picture of what being disabled actually means now. An infinite amount of resources, medication, money and god knows what. I wonder how much I cost to the state by now. Still doubting I'm even worth a penny of it.