Dressed up

I wore a button down shirt today, with the two upper buttons unbuttoned, revealing a part of my chest. I've never been able to do that before. It was a little cold, being April and all, but totally worth it. What I meant is that if I'd done that before the surgery it would have shown either a binder or a cleavage. Not exactly what you wanna "show off" as a transguy. Illusions, it's all about illusions and tricks before top surgery and a half open shirt is gonna give you away in a second. So yeah, that was certainly nice, just finally being able to do that.

I'm so passing now, and I never really thought it mattered so much, but obviously it gives a certain wonderful feeling. Still, after all those years I tried to tell myself I could still pass with my long hair and just wearing that binder tight enough. Layers of clothing hiding my curves (but making me look like a potato). I didn't want to see that I just tried to escape my dysphoria instead of dealing with the problem.

Also, I believe I've gone over to a more typically "manly" look over the years. Starting out with long hair and lots of eye-liner, tight shirts and lots of jewellery; I've since then gone over to a more masculine all over look. I don't know if it's because I never get wildly drunk and goofy with like-minded friends anymore or if I've just grown up (read: gone old and and boring).

I must admit, I found an absolutely awesome website with passing tips for FtM's that totally blew me away. It's directed to skinny guys, and he's kinda harsh to those not so skinny, but aside from that it's one hell of a guide. (I'll link it at the bottom). I didn't think I would still search for passing tips, but obviously I do. Cause I still have my wardrobe crises all too often. Like "what am I supposed to wear I look like shit in everything omg fuck this shit wtf am I gonna do" kinda crises. All too often.

I seriously only have two or three outfits with small varieties that I shift between. And so many clothes that I never wear cause I'm afraid I won't pass in them. If I put them away, which I should, my wardrobe would be nearly empty.

I still have extreme problems in trying to find a look that does what it should and still looks good. I'm like a teenage girl in a clothing shop's changing room, except I'm in my own bedroom, desperately rifling through my own closet. And it doesn't help that I don't have a decent mirror either. So that passing tips website really did help me a lot. Gave me tips I already knew but picked up again, or what to say. And new tips I've never thought of before.

But then of course, the most obvious reasons as to why I pass better is because of top surgery and a new haircut. My deep voice I've had so long now that I can't really remember how I sounded like before. After all, that was almost 4 years ago. And I relied on it solely for that many years.

Though I still hope in my heart that one day I won't need my wardrobe anxiety and passing tips, that my dysphoria will lessen further more. I don't believe it will ever go away completely, but there might come a day when I will consider myself a cisguy, when there's nothing female about me anymore.



http://ftmguide.rassaku.net/