Worth living for

I wish the crew would stop complimenting my hair. Seriously, they've been doing that almost constantly from when I started bleaching it in January. Sure I like getting a compliment every so often, but this is getting ridiculous. What are they trying to achieve? Making me indescribably happy?

I started to scratch myself uncontrollably under the bandage early this morning, half not aware of what I was doing. Not supposed to do that, and I know that in an awaken state, but it's different when I'm half asleep.

I do all sorts of things that I wouldn't normally do then. It's strange, but also understandable. That I'm less inhibited in a way. But it's annoying when I do things that might interfere with the healing process.

My muscles are sore after yesterday's work out. It's annoying and the part I dislike most about exercising. Not quite enjoying it the way most people seem to do. So I'm gonna take it easy today, just gonna have a little walk soon enough. Need to buy vegetables, bread and cigarettes. Mostly it hurts in my shoulders and arms, so a walk couldn't possibly hurt. Not that it would either way though.

But despite the pain it still feels good to finally have gotten myself to the gym. Only took me about three years... Seriously, I think the last time I set my foot in such a place was in Gottsunda during 2011. But then I lived in my parents' house for a year after that, and there were no gyms or likewise facilities nearby. And then I just talked about it for almost two years.

I really hope I'll keep this up now and not get lazy again. As of now my motivation is on top, but of course it can change with time. So hoping it won't. I just won't allow myself to give up again, cause I so need to live now. More than just being alive, I need to actually live my life. It would be so pointless otherwise. Like just wasting air instead of using it, or taking up space instead of needing it.

Living without hopes must be the most painful thing I've ever experienced. What people say isn't possible, that you'd always have hopes left if you're still breathing, but it's not true. I'm living proof that isn't true. But now I have hopes, lots of hopes and dreams and goals in life. Still scared to fail them, still overly cautious about them and always watching my step so that I won't shatter them. But they keep me alive, cause now I depend on them.

Now I'm starting

I went to the gym. Totally passed (I was a bit worried that I wouldn't) and it was free because it was my first time there. There were a few others there but the place wasn't packed. According to the exercise bike I sat on for nearly 30 minutes I burned 160 calories, dunno if that is much or little, didn't wanna restrain myself too much. I guess the meter wasn't exact either.

Then I just checked out some machines and did a little full body work out, at least so I thought, but I haven't felt this weak and exhausted in a long time. In a very good way of course. Thinking I might drag myself there about twice a week, and continue taking walks every day. Good deal? Cause I'm kinda done being lazy.

Well, just wanted to get a feel for the environment in there really, so I'm not gonna do full body work outs every time. And mostly I wanna work on my upper body, but not exclusively. Haven't really thought that out yet, to be perfectly honest. Take it as it comes, I guess.

Damn, I'm hungry. But I don't want to eat now, I've just burnt calories, don't want to add them again... Gah, my head is empty. Too tired, I guess. Be back later.

Talk and actions

Gonna wait with my walk today, cause I will go to the gym later today, and that's far away enough of a walk. Feels like I'm just all talk and no actions, but I'm planning on changing that now. And hoping my panic won't prevent me from doing so. If I really can't drag my ass to the gym today I'll have to think of something else, like working out at home or something. But I need to work on my condition and I can't really run.

Well I "can" run, it's just that I'd rather not do it. It's restraining in the wrong way. It's restraining for my overly sensitive feet and my knee mostly, which is not desirable. I'm sure you understand. According to my mother, who has the same symptoms about her knees, it's likely a sports injury. Pretty funny, eh?

Cause I don't do and have never really done any sorts of sports (excluding karate in junior high) but still got this seemingly permanent injury after climbing in an old and very long staircase in a church in January last year on a school trip. So eh, gonna have to be a bit careful with that in mind.

Also I don't have the physique for running. And I hate running, probably because of all the above reasons. So I'm not actually being lazy when I refuse to run for a bus or hurry up whenever or wherever. I will just never be fit enough for it. Like ever. And I'm okay with that, the only thing I'm not okay with is other people not being okay with that. Like show some damn respect or something.

People take running for granted, that every fit person is capable of running a lot and without difficulty. They are so stupid to think that (sorry if I hit a nerve on some of you readers). You can be fit in a thousand ways and you don't automatically become good at running just because you work out.

I sucked at running when I practised karate as well. I was at my fittest back then but I still couldn't run without getting exhausted. I could walk miles and miles without getting tired. I could sit on an exercise bike forever and not get tired. I was fit, but running was the only thing I just couldn't do.

So my point with all this ranting is that I won't run as a part of my planned work out. I find other ways, like the exercise bike or a cross trainer for instance. Though I could easily do that before my knee injury, but I might have to be a little more careful now. As far as I'm concerned it is the cartilage behind my knee that is messed up, causing pain and it sort of makes this crunching sound. Very vague and more of a feeling really, but it's not very pleasant.

I don't know but I think I could be making it worse by restraining it. I do that, I know, by crawling around on the floor in my living room when I fix with the coat that I'm making. When it's at its worse I can't even reach down to pick something up from the floor, it hurts to bend the knee. But I can and do put my weight on my left knee instead then.

My mother talked about that she had found ways how to move and stuff to not restrain her knees but she's had that since she was twelve and I've only had this for a year now. At first she didn't quite believe me when I first told her that this damage was permanent, sometime in March or April last year and I had had it for a few months by then. It's a bit long for a spraining, isn't it?

Oh, by the way. I had a sad dream tonight. It wasn't exactly a nightmare, it was just sad really. I dreamt that I saw one of my favourite actors during an event of some sort and he almost died right in front of my eyes. Heart attack or something. This guy was 50 something so not an entirely odd choice of fatality for my brain to make. He survived though, so that was a bit of a relief. But I think it was a tad bit of lucid dreaming there at the end, that I sort of somehow made him survive to make a happy ending to the dream.

A good way to start

I'm a bit distracted. Get into imaginary conversations already though I just woke up. Have a sensation this will be a busy day. If my mind is so clear and intense already, I mean.

It looks warm and sunny outside, a nice day for a walk. For my daily walk. I start with a walk right after my morning coffee these days. Well, my mornings tend to happen at any time of the day. Morning for me is first two or so hours after I wake up; whether it's actually morning, noon or afternoon.

Getting dressed, start my computer, have a coffee and one or two cigarettes, then a fast and short walk around half the block. It's about three or four houses that I walk around and it takes a couple of minutes or so. I think it's effective cause it makes me wake up and stop yawning and stretching uncontrollably.

I have another appointment at the district health care centre May 7th and I need to tell them that this surgical tape is starting to irritate my skin. I've worn such tape every night and day for almost two months now and I think my skin needs to breathe.

I didn't think I'd say this, but I want my dead nipples to fall off now so it can heal faster so that I won't need to wear that tape over them all the time anymore. I want to be free of it, even if that means ugly scars. The scars aren't gonna be pretty anyway, so.

I remember that at the first meeting with the surgeon I was intended to have to begin with, in August, I said that I have no problem with getting more scars. Feels like I have to eat my words now...

Okay, just had my walk. It's even warmer than I thought it was, and my leather jacket was too warm. Used the five step stair up to my apartment floor as a little exercise as well. Walked them up and down a few times. Stairs are good.

Dreading that I have to start eating again when I want to start building muscles. I know you can't starve and expect muscle gain, I've seen and heard of what happens then. You just lose weight and it's restraining and not very rewarding the way you want it to be. If I was way thinner it would eat at my muscles instead of me gaining them, but since I still have a lot of fat to take of (I might not be fat, but my percent of body fat is quite high for a guy of my size) it will most likely just make me lose more of that. My BMI is at 22,7 so it's very much a normal weight for my height. (19-25 is that normal range).

Of course I wanna get thinner, but that is not the way to get toned, if you know what I mean. There's a difference in how to do it depending on what results you want to achieve. I'm not completely clueless. So I don't just have to change what I'm eating, I have to start eating something altogether. I'll look into that later.

Though since I do want to lose more weight I think I can with success make a gradation to eating more and exercise more over time. Start with condition work out while I'm still barely eating should make me lose weight fast, and then start eating more and more as I move on to more heavy exercise. Good deal? That way I won't shock my body into new routines either. At least that is my vague plan just so that I know where to start.

I kinda wanna start right away, but of course the gym is closed today. Tomorrow at 17:00, I'll be there! They're only open between 16:30 and 20:00 so I can't really go there earlier. I'm "solving" the locker room hassle by going there already changed and then I go home for the shower. It's only a ten minutes walk to there so it won't be a problem.

I want to have a hard time explaining why I look so fit to my surgeon at our follow up in the summer. Like he would explain that I wasn't supposed to start with that until later and I'll act like I don't understand why he would accuse me for doing that. I don't know, I could be wrong about that though. I'm just not gonna ask.

My latest crafting obsession

Continued fixing with my coat today. The one I'm gonna make. It's fair to say it's the biggest tailoring project I've done so far. Four metres of fabric and after cutting out back piece and front pieces I wonder if it's gonna be enough left for the sleeves. If not I better hurry up and go back to the store and see if they have more of it. I'm still not sure if I'm gonna make it as the robe since it's more purple than I initially wanted it to be, or if I'm gonna make it look differently. More goth/victorian/renaissance inspired.
I think that would be awesome too, in that thick deep purple velvet. Yes, I think I'll go for that and then I can be stunningly eye catching when walking around wearing it down town. Ughh, I'm out of energy now. I want to do more, but I'm too tired.

I have as I said, cut out the three pieces that make the body of it, or what to say, and sewn them together. Fits perfectly! So it's like a sleeveless, very long coat with rough edges right now. Then I need to get going with the sleeves, so that I'll know if the fabric is gonna be enough for them.

After that, I'm planning on fixing the front, where the coat closes and the collar, around there and stuff. Find buttons for it. If I'm thinking right it's gonna be a lot of them and they need to match. Preferably in a silver metallic material and a bit fancy.

The fabric won't be enough, on second thought. Not for the collar and sleeve endings and all that as well, since I'm gonna do it in the same colour and stuff. Think I'll do some embroidery on it as well. But lighter or darker? If darker it would be black but since that purple is so dark I wonder if it's gonna show. Silver would be nice too, to match the buttons. How about doing ankh symbols with swirls around them as a repetitive pattern? On the sleeve endings, the collar and down the front. That's gonna be one hell of a project...

Good thing I have a big apartment now. Lots of space to work on. The floor in my living room has become my work area when measuring and cutting the pieces, and then I have my sewing machine in the kitchen. I have no idea when this coat is gonna be done, but probably during the summer or maybe sooner if I keep it up in this pace. It's not gonna be much simpler than the robe I intended at first, but not that hard either. Just time consuming. I'm gonna need a lot of references and probably a lot of patience too.

Sad though, that nice fabric is so expensive. I get why new clothes cost a fortune, cause so does the damn fabric they're made of. This little thingy will probably land on something between 500 and 1000 kr. Though if I could find something like that on the market it wouldn't be cheap then either. Thousands, if I decide to make the embroidery as well. So, it's totally worth making it. Knowing it's gonna be kinda unique and a totally awesome coat to wear.

Something like this:

Or this:

Left to save

I did another round of bleaching just now, for the 9th time and counting... With not so much anticipation I'm looking forward to/dreading the result. Had in more silver toner this time, will see if it had any effect what so ever. And if the lengths have gotten any lighter at all. Don't look too promising now when it's wet, to be honest.

My hair is sort of... not receptive for help anymore and slowly withering to something a bit like spider's web in texture. That super thin, soft and breaks when you breathe on it kind of quality. I highly doubt I'll be able to get it light blonde below shoulder length.

Too bad, I was looking forward to have that long, beautiful, elvish hair in a silvery white colour. Or maybe I could like it shorter? Was a while ago I had that. I'll keep pondering over that. I guess that's just the price of messing with already damaged hair. So what is left to save of it? I don't know, but if I take good care of it, it might make it possible to save more of it.

Though it feels a bit stupid now to have spent a small fortune on hair bleaching products and fixed with it for months and then like "eh, I think I'll cut it all off" if you know what I mean. Though I kinda knew it already from the start, that my hair wouldn't be able to handle all that bleach. But still I sigh, cause I wanted to be wrong.

Skin tight

I've always believed, but it still surprises me. I do this ritual thingy every day before I go to bed, to make my beard growth increase, beyond what the hormones can do. And now... I think it's actually working. Side effects: more acne, itching and slight skin irritation. I look at my hands for only a moment, trembling. The power in them, it makes the skin feel weird, as if it was the skin itself holding that power.

Only a small part of me can't understand how this can be real, though the most of me has always taken my magic powers for granted. I'm a demon warlock incarnate, what else can be expected? Yet, I'm still surprised. The natural laws here have bound me for so long, that this feels like break through. A small one, but still a break through.

What I would be able to do if this goes the way I want it to. Suddenly, a lot of opportunities open up, and I will be taking on bigger projects in changing the way I look. Not just hair and eyes and skin, but re-shaping my so very hated curves. I don't know if it could be possible, I don't know just how much power I have. It will certainly be worth a try or two though, in the future. I don't wanna get drained, since it's kinda a bad time for that, with the up coming surgery and stuff. Shit, I'm seriously vain...

But will I make people believe in me? Perhaps a little demonstration to prove them wrong? Uh-uh, not gonna happen. I don't even talk about it, I might have just mentioned it briefly at one point or another, but I definitely don't brag or show off. That's not what I want. But if this really will work and have the outcome I plan for it, it will be obvious. 



Oh, and sixth round of bleaching my hair, by the way. Will post pictures later, along with pictures from my fifth round that I did a couple of weeks ago, but never made it to the internet.

Dark thoughts

Watching Criminal Minds still fucks me up. It awakens dark thoughts and feelings inside me that I don't even want to acknowledge. This episode I just recently watched, it's in the second season, was about a kid with murder fantasies, and he said: "in order to save others from dying I have to kill myself" and it just struck something inside me. That a part of me thought I was just like him, a bomb waiting to explode, until one day those fantasies would become real. Though there is this other part of me saying that as long as I hang on to the feeling of not really wanting to commit those crimes, I can keep it in check.

I've had those dark thoughts and fantasies since I was about twelve, but it has been escalating. Increased. Turned to actual plans. Plans I've been perfecting for years. And maybe there is some solace in that I've been at it, just planning and fantasising without doing anything, for years. I'm still smart enough to not wanna risk my whole life for making a fantasy become real. Besides, reality rarely lives up to an ideal, right?

But there is this uncertainty that keeps gnawing inside me, that maybe one day... And also if I keep losing my mind the way I've been doing these last seven months or so, I can never know for sure what that could lead me to in the future. Cause there actually is a psychotic killer inside of me, wanting to live out its fantasies.

The thing is, I really don't know which side of the law I stand on, when it really comes down to it. I admire murderers at the same time as I think the death penalty is a good thing. Perhaps that would be an "easy escape" if I'd one day end up in that situation. The thought "what the fuck is wrong with me?" pops up in my head. Well, what is right?

Thoughts on parenthood

I believe I’m still sort of considering having a child one day. I don't really talk much about it. Like I somehow think I have no right to have one. There are so many mixed feelings around that topic for me. Hopefulness, love, fear, insecurity, comfort, doubts. Would I be able to provide for a child when I can just barely take care of myself? How the hell would I afford it? Would I become a horrible parent? Would my child inherit a lot of not so desirable things from me? Would I bring it up myself or with a partner? Would it become a burden for my parents, who basically hate kids? They'd frigging hate me if I would one day tell them I’m gonna be a father. I can't even imagine how angry they'd be, but somewhere around furious I take it.

Still, it should be my choice. And now society is moving forward with the transsexuals becoming parents issue. I believe I have good reasons to want a child, but I’m also smart enough to realise the complications around that. My life situation isn't exactly optional, and even though I think I could get some sort of allowance from Försäkringskassan in a situation like that, if I still can't hold a job by that time, or would be a single parent and therefor wouldn't have time for a job. But I’m seriously way too messed up for such a full-time job as caring for a baby is.

My random fear right now is that if I’m gonna wait til I get better, that waiting could become too long. I’m quite young now, but I think it would probably not happen in the nearest five or ten years. And seriously, I want a kid now, not in seven years! Okay, back to reality. These thoughts are haunting me, and I’m scared that if there will ever be a time for parenthood in my life, it will be too damn late. I would be too old and testosterone would have fried my female parts. Perhaps there could be some middle ground though, that in a few years, say three or four, if I’m in better shape then than I am now, then I can squeeze one out. I suppose that is a reasonable plan, if I could hold my horses for that long, that is.

Shaping up

I finally had a talk with my mother. I had an anxiety outbreak and taking my pills for that made the whole experience even worse. So instead of spiraling completely out of control I called my mother yesterday. I ended up confessing about one thing and the other, and then I also explained that about her not believing me. Also Schizophrenia came up, but to my utmost surprise it wasn't I who mentioned it! How interesting that she also had been thinking of that possibility. We cleared up our misconceptions and I got a few answers to my queries. I didn't tell her about my Satanism, but I did tell her about my previous alcoholism, hypnophobia and cutting. So I got a little off my chest.

Had an appointment with my psychiatrist today, and told her about my messy addiction journey I had going on this summer, my sleeping problems and what more. Got a different type of as needed meds for my anxiety and she sent a referral to someone who can help me quit smoking, on my request of course. I also whined about the psychiatry not doing a shit to help me heal my mental wounds. Not much she could do about that though, but I’m off to Vuxenhabiliteringen on Friday so I can keep on whining there instead.

The solution we agreed on, about my sleeping problem, is as follows. Stop consuming caffeine after 5 o'clock in the evening, start taking my sedatives/sleeping pills again, get a circadian rhythm again with help from the crew. I asked them if they can wake me up a bit more brutally in the morning, and they said they can absolutely do that. They're handy like that. I also got a higher dosage on my mood stabilisers, to get my extra extreme mood swings under control again. My motivator for getting in better shape is to be fit for surgery, and so we all (me, my mother and the psychiatrist) agreed that is a good motivator. So it's high time for me to pull myself together a bit again.

Escaping

I'm scrolling down through several hundred tumblr posts to find his posts that doesn't appear on his page for some reason. Wow, I must be really obsessed... but if I got an answer post, shouldn't it show up in my inbox? I don't know, better safe than sorry I guess.

I managed to get rid of most of my headache, thanks to some Aspirin. Feels like I’m just waiting for the morning to come, so I won't be stuck bored with nothing to do, just wanting to keep crafting or even just redo a waistcoat to a three piece suit I found second hand. Or to just take walk, have a reason to shower, wear make up and dressing up nice. I’m trying to get used to wearing make up again.

I’m listening to songs about suicide, feeling lonely and broken. Maybe it would be nice to just jump and fall free? It's the closest I'd ever get to flying. I’m trying not to think that way, and maybe this is just a fantasy, a mind game to see if I could really do it someday. Testing myself. I’m doing that from time to time. Isn't it sad that I find “suicide” to be one of the most beautiful English words? The most beautiful word being “sovereign” which is almost its opposite, meaning “confident” or “governor”.

Alright, time has passed to forenoon and I’m off for some shopping. I must have miscalculated when I wrote that it was 33 hours to the appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday. It was actually 57 hours, with 48 hours remaining. That might be harder than I expected to stay up for, but it feels like I really don't have much other choice than to do so. Good thing I’ve written a list of everything I intend to say at the meeting, so I don't really need to be sharp as a knife, so to speak.

Found this amazing, beautiful song by Radiohead called “How to disappear completely” and I dream away to someplace else while listening to it. I see endless fields of red sand and dead plants, sand swirling in the wind, a few naked trees in the distance, a clear blue sky. No living creature anywhere to be seen. I want to be there, just sitting on a rock warm in the sun, feeling the wind on my face. So far from civilisation, my own miserable life, everything. I really like that I’m so good at visualisation, even imagining what warm winds and sand in my face could feel like, what it would smell like, even though I’ve never been to such a place. Not in the real world at least, just in my dreams and imagination. Maybe that is why I’m good at drawing and writing? Cause I can see and sense things so clearly in my head, I mean.

I collect “happy places”, imaginary places where I go to relax or escape from something in the real world. Whether it be an anxiety attack, a quarrel, on the verge on dissociation or just stressed out. My favourite is a meadow, a green field with white, blue, pink and purple flowers; a surrounding forest on both sides, a clear blue sky with little white clouds and a calming breeze. Sometimes I just stand there on the field, other times I lie down or run around.

Sometimes I run to the end of the field, a few hundred metres or so the meadow ends and there's a cliff. Not a steep one, but gently leaning towards a small beach. It's a little tricky climbing down the boulders and rocks to the light yellow sand leading to a calm ocean. I have only once or twice bathed in that imaginary ocean, I only ever go that far when I’m in a very difficult situation and very much need to calm down and relax, or literally need to escape but can't. I think I created this place two or three years ago, so I know it quite well.

I feel strange, like distant. Maybe I'm still in that desert.