Reach out

I want to talk to K, but I don't how to reach out to him. Just want to show that I'm his friend, that I care about him. Aw, this sucks. I'm just romantically frustrated, worried at the same time and have anxiety for all sorts of reasons. I'm chain smoking again and I can't stop it.

I'm cold from drinking a lot of coke, can't think of anything to do. It's like I can't be still, can't concentrate, can't move at the same time. Anxious and scared for a reason. I want to write in my autobiography but at the same time I don't. So ambivalent it drives me crazy. The darkness and the light colliding, but there's no grey amidst the black and the white. Chaos between polar extremes.

I'll probably not get any rest tonight either. What is so suddenly wrong with me? I feel like a plague, that I'm affecting people around me to do bad things that I have done. I don't know why I feel that way, cause it doesn't have to be that. I should eat, I need to eat but I don't want to. Me, me me, it's always about me, isn't it? But then I only care about two people and K is the first and the second one is me.

Second, I come second. I feel so locked, like I'm suffocating myself figuratively. Suffocating my words, my actions. The night has yet again become my enemy even though I'm shining with the sun during the days. If I take Imovane now I will just break through it, I know that I will.

It's hard to write when I'm holding the key information to myself. The key as to why I feel this way. I'm thinking you can guess why though. I'm so fucking scared but it really has nothing to do with me. I'm too sensitive or something, can't think objectively. Don't know why I react like this, it's never happened before. I'm not the type of person who loses sleep over another person's well being.

Literally losing sleep. For two nights in a row now I haven't been able to fall asleep until it's morning and almost time to take my pills and then only stay asleep for a few hours. Doesn't matter what I take, though I haven't tried everything. I'm crawling out of my skin.

I suppose I'm taking a risk posting this text, but I think you need to know that I'm not feeling so well these days. That it's affecting me so much.