I don't know why, but it's like I just wanna lose weight for the sake of losing weight, if that makes any sense at all. Like the thought has possessed me somehow. Been thinking about it for too long perhaps. When was it I first tried to start losing weight last year? April, May, June? Sometime around there. I remember being so eager to lose it as fast as possible, all 20 kilos or more.
Cause I do wanna be thinner, and in my heart I don't want to stop at 60 kg. 55 would be closer to my actual goal, but not less than 50. Cause that is underweight and I don't want to be scrawny. Just thin enough to not be able to have any sort of curves, you know.
I envy the really thin transguys, cause they have it so much easier in a way. They have a better start than I have/had. I have to work so much harder to get rid of my curves. And it's like I'm willing to do basically anything for that. Now more than ever, cause now I have most of my crazy brain under control, or I'm not so bothered by my craziness, and I can focus on what matters most. What has always mattered most.
Am I really that vain, that the way I look is my number one concern? The question answers itself, or I wouldn't have put it there. Maybe I'm just finally doing what I should have started doing years ago, or maybe I am getting a little obsessed. When the war in my mind is replaced by another kind of war. Me and my wars...
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