Today's diet has been two sandwiches, coffee and vitamin supplements. I'm listening to Hole and trying to figure out how come I didn't realised that I missed K, my love, until now. That comes and stays. I always miss him, but only in various degrees depending on circumstances and how I'm feeling at the moment. When I'm terribly lonely, afraid or haven't talked to him in a while for whatever reasons.
I still love him, and it's like I've done that for a long time now. Almost a year, ten months. I'm chain smoking and can't stop breaking through my sleeping pills. Trying to concentrate is hard again. Zero attention span. Bored and restless. I hate the restless nights. When so tired and I don't want to go to sleep, like I can't. Like I just know that if I would drop dead on my bed I won't be able to go sleep.
There's too much in my head and my head is empty. It's like a heavy noise. Indistinctly and loud. Empty, yet full. Like a perfect chaos. I'm not making any sense, am I? Too tired to think, yet that's all I do.
Citric acid stings on my ripped up lips, as I sip the vitamin C supplement from a glass. I don't rip them so much these days. Or well, I don't rip them bloody at least. Trying to care for them too, with scrubs and balms. But I keep poking and making it worse before it can heal why do I do that?
Okay so smoking isn't my only self harm now but I don't think about it. Most of the time. It's a habit, something I'm way used to by now. Just doing it automatically I guess.
I want to go to the gym again but need to rest at least another day. So the day after tomorrow I will go there again. Work on my lower arms, chest, stomach and neck. What I missed last time, that is. Just want to get my increased muscles now! It's a total drag that I have to work on getting such.
I feel like writing a poem but I don't know what about. Maybe time for some free associations, or what it's called, can't remember. When you just start writing out of nothing and see what pops up and you just continue writing without stopping or correcting it. Maybe that's what I'm doing right now.
Am I getting used to my sleeping pills? Cause it just gets easier and simpler to break through them. So if not physically at least psychologically.
I hate my body I need to change it. If I'm gonna be able to live with my flaws I have to get rid of them. My dysphoria that somehow seem to increase and decrease at the same time. Less to not dysphoric about my chest. A whole lot of less. And more dysphoric about my ass and thighs, like more than before or ever. I need to get them thinner cause I hate my body because of that. And the sweetness about it is that it's basically the only thing I hate about my body. In terms of appearance that is. I still hate how it behaves and all those little quirks like everything from never getting hungry to bumping in to things to forgetting things and so on. But I can live with that. I can live with hating my body for it being stupid and annoying. But what I can't live with is it being too feminine.
But you know what? I no longer consider my body to be female. It might not be the most masculine, but it's definitely not feminine anymore. That makes me happy, just thinking about it. Except from thighs and butt that is. They look feminine. Fucking child bearing hips. I don't want children and I will never have any. Why is nature so ignorant and cruel to me?
I've hated my wide hips from the time I was a little kid. Yes, I was born that way. Have always had wide hips. You know those little seats for kids in shopping carts? I couldn't sit in them because of my hips, and I think that was when my self hatred began. That and that I was jealous of my sister because she was so thin and I was not. I thought I was too fat already at such an early age as maybe six or seven.
I was wrong from beginning to end. Now I'm finally getting where I want to be. Just two more steps. Gaining muscles and get rid of my female organs on the inside of me. At least I think that's the right thing to do. So fucking scared of complications in that area, what the testosterone I take can do to them. It was enough just watching the documentary "Southern Comfort" to make me hesitate to keep them organs. But some things I want to keep, leave as they are. I don't think I need further bottom surgery, I don't want to risk losing sensation and I'm doing fine-ish with what I have.
Fine-ish as in things could be better. One reason as to why I'm in some sort of celibate right now is because I just don't know what I like anymore. It's like I have to rediscover myself again. And there's only one person I wanna do that with. So I will keep this touch of asexuality up until I can be with him. I'm still waiting and I can wait a whole lifetime through.
It's worth the waiting. Besides, I've had my fun with 13 different people already, pleasing others rather than myself. Only three of those were any good. The rest was like, meh. So I feel no immediate need to keep experimenting or how to put it. I'll just keep waiting for K and that's okay.
I'm thinking about my soon to happen visit to the main country this summer. What I would do to get my mother to let me go, what I would do if she won't let me. That I would book a flight ticket myself and take the bus to the airport without telling my mother about it. Cause it's gonna happen, one way or another, no matter what needs to be done. But I'm a bit nervous about it. Last time I travelled alone I got a psychosis.
But I'll take that risk too, just bring every medication that I have. Oh damn, didn't think about that. I don't have access to my own pills, and if mom won't let me go I won't be able to bring any medication with me. It's of utter importance that I don't miss a dosage. I go bonkers if I do. Side effect/abstinence is horrible. But I'll solve it somehow, if I'll need to. Contact the doctor myself to get new prescriptions or something.
Look, I'm even willing to call a stranger for this. That is quite huge. I can barely call people that I know, let alone those that I don't. I just miss you all so much it kinda hurts inside me. We should eat ice cream, watch a movie and drink beer. All at once! This trip is so important to me you have no idea. It will be the event of this year, I can tell you.
Hopefully I can catch up with a couple of friends during the medieval week here on Gotland later in the summer as well though. I just crave good company more than ever. Not just any company would do.
Saddest thing: I'm thinking of going to a local Valborg event on that date, alone. Where I don't know anyone just to look at a huge fire. What a celebration. Family, friends, everyone is having happy time all gathered to drink and laugh. Not even close.
It is on days like that I feel the most lonely here. Holidays. Maybe everyone who are alone are also lonely during those times. My family doesn't celebrate Valborg, at least I don't think so. I seriously can't remember if we use to do anything then or not. But I don't think so.
Realised I haven't written about my trip to Huddinge in Stockholm yet. I will soon enough though. I've just had a lot of other things on my mind lately.
Short passages, eh? My words seem to end without a beginning. They are half and weird. Like sort of jumbled. My hand is starting to ache from all the writing, so this will be it. Now I'm gonna go sleep on my aching body, five o'clock in the morning.
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