Like fire

Before, I didn't want to get better because then people would start having demands on me. Expect things from me, things that no one expects from me now. Responsibility, oh damn I'm afraid of responsibility. Seriously, if I so much as need to be responsible for my own laundry I freak out.

My fantasies are running wild today. About him, like never before. Or well, like not in a long time. Not sure exactly why, but I might have a guess or two. Like several guesses that don't go together. I miss him so painfully much, it just hurts allover. I'm trying to figure out a way to meet him again, like any way possible. And I can't just take the boat to the main country and ring on his door bell. Even if I knew where he lived.

But I certainly have that urge now, to just take a boat and row there, or something like that. It's stupid, but it's just how I feel. My thoughts are scattered, like little pieces, chopped up words and pictures and I forget it the next second. All I know is that I want to be near him and I don't know how.

But the thoughts make me sad, because they can never come true. And if I try to make them more realistic, I get sad because I don't want it to be that way. How does one even make fantasies realistic? It's not like writing a story, it's about what I want. The whole idea is that I want what I don't have, and possibly never can have, so how the hell do I not make myself disappointed?

Whenever something good happens it ends up in the shadow of something that bothers me. Why is the light so easily tainted? And the darkness so hard to light up? My life is like trying to make a closed cave bright as a beach, but at least I have a candle now. At least I have a candle.

Cause it's been a good month, and I don't think that light is fading, I just shift into another perspective as time passes. I can't just sit idle and watch things burn, no matter how fascinating, for all eternity. Wait... am I the only one who finds fires fascinating? I never made my pyromaniac dreams come true. Although I really wanted to see that old cabin go up in flames... Too much of a pussy back then, too mature now. Consequences and stuff. But my morals are still just as fucked up.