Talk and actions

Gonna wait with my walk today, cause I will go to the gym later today, and that's far away enough of a walk. Feels like I'm just all talk and no actions, but I'm planning on changing that now. And hoping my panic won't prevent me from doing so. If I really can't drag my ass to the gym today I'll have to think of something else, like working out at home or something. But I need to work on my condition and I can't really run.

Well I "can" run, it's just that I'd rather not do it. It's restraining in the wrong way. It's restraining for my overly sensitive feet and my knee mostly, which is not desirable. I'm sure you understand. According to my mother, who has the same symptoms about her knees, it's likely a sports injury. Pretty funny, eh?

Cause I don't do and have never really done any sorts of sports (excluding karate in junior high) but still got this seemingly permanent injury after climbing in an old and very long staircase in a church in January last year on a school trip. So eh, gonna have to be a bit careful with that in mind.

Also I don't have the physique for running. And I hate running, probably because of all the above reasons. So I'm not actually being lazy when I refuse to run for a bus or hurry up whenever or wherever. I will just never be fit enough for it. Like ever. And I'm okay with that, the only thing I'm not okay with is other people not being okay with that. Like show some damn respect or something.

People take running for granted, that every fit person is capable of running a lot and without difficulty. They are so stupid to think that (sorry if I hit a nerve on some of you readers). You can be fit in a thousand ways and you don't automatically become good at running just because you work out.

I sucked at running when I practised karate as well. I was at my fittest back then but I still couldn't run without getting exhausted. I could walk miles and miles without getting tired. I could sit on an exercise bike forever and not get tired. I was fit, but running was the only thing I just couldn't do.

So my point with all this ranting is that I won't run as a part of my planned work out. I find other ways, like the exercise bike or a cross trainer for instance. Though I could easily do that before my knee injury, but I might have to be a little more careful now. As far as I'm concerned it is the cartilage behind my knee that is messed up, causing pain and it sort of makes this crunching sound. Very vague and more of a feeling really, but it's not very pleasant.

I don't know but I think I could be making it worse by restraining it. I do that, I know, by crawling around on the floor in my living room when I fix with the coat that I'm making. When it's at its worse I can't even reach down to pick something up from the floor, it hurts to bend the knee. But I can and do put my weight on my left knee instead then.

My mother talked about that she had found ways how to move and stuff to not restrain her knees but she's had that since she was twelve and I've only had this for a year now. At first she didn't quite believe me when I first told her that this damage was permanent, sometime in March or April last year and I had had it for a few months by then. It's a bit long for a spraining, isn't it?

Oh, by the way. I had a sad dream tonight. It wasn't exactly a nightmare, it was just sad really. I dreamt that I saw one of my favourite actors during an event of some sort and he almost died right in front of my eyes. Heart attack or something. This guy was 50 something so not an entirely odd choice of fatality for my brain to make. He survived though, so that was a bit of a relief. But I think it was a tad bit of lucid dreaming there at the end, that I sort of somehow made him survive to make a happy ending to the dream.