Open

I'm bored and can't think of anything to do or write about. Should look into my autobiography again. Been starting to write about last year. Since a lot of shit happened then I put it in a chapter for it alone. Dreading when I'll have to read it all (all of it) through and edit things, put the chapters in a decent order and see if I've missed something important or of there's something I want to delete. Probably gonna take me days. But I will finish it someday, I promise!

I don't intend to shock people with my story, but it might appear that way cause it's gonna be pretty graphic. I just want to get my story out. Though I'm not including absolutely everything, just as much as I'm comfortable with, and that is a lot.

Some people might not realise that, that I'm comfortable with sharing even my darker thoughts and things that I'm apparently supposed to be embarrassed over. I've always been like that, even when I was bullied I wasn't afraid of making a fool of myself. There are very few things that are too personal for me to discuss openly, or at all, and I can easily count them on one hand.

Some things that I've done, thought or felt. Things no one would even want to know about, or even if they would want to know they would most definitely not like it. Most of what I carry around is darkness with a few exceptions, but those things that I hide... they're pitch black.

Maybe that's just the way it is. That if I was more inhibited or cautious about how open I am, I would have less to hide, and the other way around. That maybe because I'm so comfortable being open about my trans identity, the rape I went through, self harm, mental illness, the bullying, suicide attempts and so on; I have to hide even darker things. Like no matter how open you are about your bad sides, you still have something that is even worse inside you that you don't want anyone else to know about.

No one is completely open because of this. We all have our levels of tolerance, like how much of our insides we can tolerate for the world to see. I happen to have very high tolerance, but I think that is only because I know I can draw the line further to easier hide what is really worth hiding. I'm not just talking law breaking, I'm talking really awful things.

Yeah, there is something that is nagging at me there, wanting to tell but it's like I just can't. Want to push that tolerance even further, be open about exactly everything. And then that crap just showed up from deep in my memories last summer, and I suddenly understood why I've always been a bit uncomfortable around cops. I've been good these last few years at least, so I don't have anything to hide from then on... So yeah, that recent. 2011 I think. My god, what the fuck was up with that year!?

Some years of my life, just saying. Those are: 1998, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2009, 2011 and 2013. I'm starting to see a pattern... so what atrocities are gonna happen to me next year then? There's always something new that sort of strikes me like a lighting from a clear sky, so with a little anticipation I'll look forward to 2015 to see what more crap I'll be getting. Yes, I said anticipation. I'm ambivalent about my future.

But as I said, I'm open about almost everything. I'm comfortable talking about things people don't want to hear. I discuss deeply personal stuff at the dinner table. I'm the one who opens up at a party even before I get my first drink. The only reason I've been holding back IRL lately is because I know people become uncomfortable with me sharing absolutely everything like it's perfectly normal. I'm trying to add in some decency in my life, though I'm not a very decent person and I don't live a very decent life.

Wow, this became a very long entry about openness. The bottom line is that I don't know where to draw the line. Of what is okay or not okay to share about my life. I never tell other people's secrets or even things that I don't know if they are secret or not. You just have my trust completely even if we're just acquaintances. I will take your secrets with me to the grave.

It's when it comes to myself that I just can't keep my mouth shut. It shouldn't be a problem - cause how the hell can being so very open about oneself be a problem? - but it is. Not necessarily a problem I'll take into consideration, but still. People can be embarrassed because of me or even ask me to shut up. Sorry guys, but it's my fucking life and if you don't want to hear it, just shut your fucking ears.

A glimpse of the process

Got right back to my sewing project again (like every day for about a week now) and started making fells on the filling fabric. So basically I'm gonna do a second coat in that fabric and sew stuck inside the actual coat. My mother gave me tips that I probably won't take into consideration. She might know a bit about sewing, but she hasn't exactly made a lot clothes from scratch. In that way I know a lot more than she does, so if any, I should be giving her tips.

I think I have an idea how to do it, but I have to fix the seams on the inside of the coat first, to make it look good when I add the filling material. And then sew precisely where the seams already are, which is gonna be tricky. I can barely make a straight seam already as it is, so that will be a challenge. It's hard to undo stitches because the fabrics are so fragile and get damaged when I try. I don't have any of those nifty little needles for the job, so I have to make do with a razor blade. Finally found a good use for those... weapons. Okay, cigarette break is over.

I've sewn it together now, the filling material pieces into one piece, and will soon sew it onto the rest of the coat. Made my first real mistake now. Good that it took so long for that to happen! I did the fell on the wrong side on one of the side pieces, forgot it's supposed to be laterally reversed, but it won't show if you don't think about it.

Having my second cigarette break now with a diet drink as breakfast. Yeah yeah, I know. But at least I get something into my stomach, okay? Some people live on that stuff, you know. Then I'm gonna bleach my hair again today as well. And try not to damage the already white hair in the process. Just the roots.

Now I'm almost finished with the filling material, just have the sleeves left to do. Just realising another awesome thing about making my own coat: I can make the sleeves long enough to fit me! I have long arms and almost all jackets and coats have too short sleeves or the whole piece of clothing is too big. Problem solved.

Started on the sleeve endings, the cuffs, and continued with them up until the point where I'm so tired I can't see clearly. All the details kinda blur. I think that's a good time to stop for today. Don't know if I'll fix my hair later, I'm kinda worn out. Maybe some cigarettes and WoW can take care of that. Though I can't wait too long, gotta sleep some time tonight as well. See, I can't have a job or go to School, I'm all too busy already! Okay, that's enough ranting for now. I just wrote a passage during my cigarette breaks through the day, beginning at around 16:00 o'clock, I think.

My latest crafting obsession

Continued fixing with my coat today. The one I'm gonna make. It's fair to say it's the biggest tailoring project I've done so far. Four metres of fabric and after cutting out back piece and front pieces I wonder if it's gonna be enough left for the sleeves. If not I better hurry up and go back to the store and see if they have more of it. I'm still not sure if I'm gonna make it as the robe since it's more purple than I initially wanted it to be, or if I'm gonna make it look differently. More goth/victorian/renaissance inspired.
I think that would be awesome too, in that thick deep purple velvet. Yes, I think I'll go for that and then I can be stunningly eye catching when walking around wearing it down town. Ughh, I'm out of energy now. I want to do more, but I'm too tired.

I have as I said, cut out the three pieces that make the body of it, or what to say, and sewn them together. Fits perfectly! So it's like a sleeveless, very long coat with rough edges right now. Then I need to get going with the sleeves, so that I'll know if the fabric is gonna be enough for them.

After that, I'm planning on fixing the front, where the coat closes and the collar, around there and stuff. Find buttons for it. If I'm thinking right it's gonna be a lot of them and they need to match. Preferably in a silver metallic material and a bit fancy.

The fabric won't be enough, on second thought. Not for the collar and sleeve endings and all that as well, since I'm gonna do it in the same colour and stuff. Think I'll do some embroidery on it as well. But lighter or darker? If darker it would be black but since that purple is so dark I wonder if it's gonna show. Silver would be nice too, to match the buttons. How about doing ankh symbols with swirls around them as a repetitive pattern? On the sleeve endings, the collar and down the front. That's gonna be one hell of a project...

Good thing I have a big apartment now. Lots of space to work on. The floor in my living room has become my work area when measuring and cutting the pieces, and then I have my sewing machine in the kitchen. I have no idea when this coat is gonna be done, but probably during the summer or maybe sooner if I keep it up in this pace. It's not gonna be much simpler than the robe I intended at first, but not that hard either. Just time consuming. I'm gonna need a lot of references and probably a lot of patience too.

Sad though, that nice fabric is so expensive. I get why new clothes cost a fortune, cause so does the damn fabric they're made of. This little thingy will probably land on something between 500 and 1000 kr. Though if I could find something like that on the market it wouldn't be cheap then either. Thousands, if I decide to make the embroidery as well. So, it's totally worth making it. Knowing it's gonna be kinda unique and a totally awesome coat to wear.

Something like this:

Or this:

Denial and bargaining

Started a little with my coat/robe today, but my head is killing me so I couldn't continue. Took some measurements and cut out a large piece of fabric for the back part of it. I bought 4 metres of a lovely deep purple, velvet fabric. Fake of course, but very nice still in a thick, very smooth texture. Only a tailoring nerd like myself would find something to complain about it, if you catch my drift.

I still feel weird from yesterday and hesitating to take a shower, though I probably need one. Detached words from yesterday's conversations with the doctors and with my mother echo inside my head like little stones in an empty barrel. I can't understand. I knew my body reacts weird with healing, I knew it from all the piercings I've tried to have and I yet I went for the transplanted procedure.

I should have known, shouldn't I? Yet, there wasn't that much of other options, I knew that too. But couldn't I at least have thought about it? I mean I've had that surgery on my mind since I was 19 at least. Some time during those years from then on that thought should have popped up, shouldn't it?

I'm going through the five stages of grief and I'm currently shifting between denial, isolation and bargaining. Skipped anger though, or just haven't gotten there yet. Losing my tits was just getting rid of something that wasn't supposed to be there to begin with, like a tumour or something, but losing my nipples... well, that sort of feels like actually losing something. And I can't describe it, I'm not even sure if I want to.

So I'm trying to fill my head with nonsense instead. Something, anything, to keep my thoughts off that subject. But I feel so weak, physically, like as soon as I try to do something away from the computer I get tired so quickly and my head starts hurting more than I can handle. I can't focus on movies or books or embroidering right now. Can barely focus on WoW, barely on anything at all.

Constant worry

I should be worrying about the right thing, but my brain just sort of picks its choice without my consent. I think that if I really have to worry about something, it should at least be something worth worrying about. I really should do something about that worry, before this anxiety just gets worse and worse. I know that when my stomach hurts and I start rocking myself on a daily basis, it's not a good thing.

Aside from that, there hasn't been much change these last few days. I've started on a new embroidery project again, which I thought was gonna be rather big considering the sketch I drew on a A3 sized paper, but when I calculated it the final result will barely be a quarter of that size. I need to buy more sewing thread in green, pink, grey and blue. I use a lot of shading effects with colours close to each other and blending them to create even closer shades. So when light grey combined with white is too dark, I have to get an even lighter shade of grey.

This is why I keep using normal sewing thread, cause then I have a lot more colours to choose from, than I would if I had used that special kind of embroidery yarn. For the piece I'm working on right now I use: four shades of beige for the skin tone, two green for the eyes, three grey/white for the hair and three red/pink for the lips. Altogether that is twelve different shades for a 10x20 cm artwork.

Overdoing it? Nah, I need to keep it interesting to not get bored by filling in large areas of the same colour. What else do I do? Well, yeah I'm still playing WoW, but not as much as before. I've probably gone from 12 hours a day to around 7 hours. Tried/trying to get highest possible reputation with all horde basic factions, but the blood elves "Silvermoon City" is just a damn pain in the ass, to be perfectly honest. I'm stuck halfway from revered to exalted, and there are no more quests to do. My only option is doing dungeons wearing their tabard.

The thing is that the higher level my character gets, the harder it is for me to do dungeons. At level 15-20 it's easy, I know the map and it's all pretty basic. I can do that with mild to moderate anxiety. Up at around levels 30 through 40 it's getting harder, more confusing and beyond the basics. I can do that with moderate to bad anxiety. Beyond level 60 it's hard, very confusing, I feel embarrassed, guilty, like I'm doing everything wrong and now we're talking really severe anxiety. IT'S JUST A GAME. Well, life is a game too.

Accustomed to the dark

I think I'm starting to tackle my caffeine habit, as of drinking tea instead of coffee and taking less of them pills. A lot of tea though. Don't know how many cups a day, but I've been awake for two and a half hours now and had 3 already. Small cups, but still. Cause if I fill up a big cup, I end up forgetting it halfway through and leaving it cold, throwing away what is left. It's also a good way to keep warm. It's not cold in here, but I still feel cold.

I took a day off again and slept for 26 hours, so I missed yesterday. Going for those 100 hours this time instead. The crew woke me up at half past nine and asked me if I wanted to get up. I told them the truth, that I never want to get out of bed and I never want to go to bed. I think that is why I do this, staying awake for days and days in a row, and then sleeping for a whole day or more. I don't want to sleep, just as much as I don't want to be awake.

I feel depressed, but I know that I'm not clinically depressed. If I was I wouldn't sit her and write. I would still be in bed, not eating, not caring about anything. I wouldn't laugh or smile or appreciate a cup of tea. Besides, antidepressants don't work on me, and I only take Mirtazapin for its sedative effects. I've tried Sertralin (Zoloft), Fluoxetin, Venlafaxin, Efexor and Cymbalta. That is basically everything except for Anafranil and those really old ones.

But yeah, I do feel depressed. In the sense that I don't want to wake up or go to bed, that I shut myself out from the world, have lack of inspiration for doing anything creative. I miss my creativity above all else. I can put up with this lack of a circadian rhythm (there really isn't a rhythm, only a chaotic and completely out of control sleeping pattern), but not being able to draw, sew or write anything else than diary and blog entries really bugs me.

I feel lifeless. Just withering away. Am I giving up on life? Just letting misery swallow me whole. Just eating to stop my stomach from growling, sleeping cause I finally give up on trying to stay awake, getting out of bed cause I finally give up on trying to sleep, sitting by my computer all days and nights long because I have no will to do anything real. Escaping life by doing nothing, I'm neither dead or alive. Just surviving, breathing, complaining, dreaming. I've lost my will to live, but I have no will to die.

But I still cling to life, cause deep down I do want to live. I just don't know how. Have no energy to even give it a try. Afraid of failure, of being hurt and becoming even more miserable on the way. I'm comfortable in this mess, grown accustomed to the darkness, yet I'm not satisfied with it. I want so much more, but tired of fighting. Just waiting for my motivation to arise again. Just waiting.

Sleepless tonight

I think maybe my arm warmers will grow stuck my arms in due time. I didn't even notice I have them on today, until now. And being without them, even for just a minute feels weird and sort of naked. Dreading the day I will have to wash them. Three whole hours that I won't be able to wear them! Catastrophe!

I've started another embroidery piece, as I got the tip on making band patches. Found that FGFC820 has a pretty simple logo, so I start off with that one. Besides, they have become one of my favourite bands now. Though I listen to so many different band's music nowadays, it's hard to figure out which ones to make patches of. Maybe it will just come to me.

It's five o'clock again and I'm still awake. Just waiting for the Imovane to kick in, and listening to Sigur Rós that has a calming effect on me. Sad songs, but calming in a way. I just had a re-run on "Vanilla Sky", one of my favourite films all time. I recognise myself so much in the main character, except for him being rich and pretty, and I'm not. So many good quotes in it that sticks to my mind. Like when Julie asks David "What is happiness to you?" and I sometimes try to answer that question myself, but I still can't find an answer.

I'm one of those hopelessly tragic people who could wait a whole lifetime for that one true love, to have a perfect body, to live a happy life. Those are nice dreams for sure, but they're unrealistic. To make this one special person fall in love with me, to change body into looking a lot more masculine, to live on a constant hight rush of creative energy and inspiration.

It's seven o'clock and I'm still awake. Think I broke my record of too much cutting in only one day, today. It's like I can't stop once I've started, and I never really know what gets me started either. But just checking the healing process of my earlier made wounds can be a trigger, I guess. That, and this horrible night time anxiety which is related to my hypnophobia. It's still there, and still making my life shit.

Distractions

Tonight I'm gonna see if it's possible to get up on the roof top of my house. No, I'm not gonna jump. Just wanna sit somewhere up high, challenge my fear of heights and enjoy the view.

I bought minty cigarettes cause I just got the idea in my head, and it was a while ago since I tasted such. They contain less nicotine, so it's also good if I can lessen my nicotine consumption that way. I got an appointment with a therapist (?) of some sort in early November, to help me quit smoking, but I figure if I can do some on my own it's good. Will keep smoking regular cigarettes as well though, but it's still one step on the way.

I suddenly got the feeling that I on some level actually do want to quit smoking, because it will so totally be worth it, if it really means getting my surgery as soon as possible. Looking forward to it so much! Everyday when I get my mail delivered I eagerly rip the envelopes apart hoping for it being from Karolinska. No news so far though.

I've gotta open a window before it becomes a suicide by cigarette smoke, sort of thing.

I'm embroidering a bit again, or well, it kinda comes and goes. I'm working on another piece on the side of the big one. This other pattern or what to call it is a bit simpler and more "free style". I don't follow an exact pattern, more like a general idea that I also keep adding stuff to. It's silly really, an eye with a dilated pupil, and there's a broken heart in it. It's crying blood and I think I will add some runny make up as well. It could be cool in an emo-ish way, sort of heartache/lovesickness inspired.

I'm totally happy about going to Uppsala this week, by the way! I've even started packing already. Been so damn long, can't even remember when I was to dMz last time. Must have been either fall 2011 or winter/spring 2012. Over a year ago in other words, maybe even two years. I'm gonna see as many of my friends as possible (or until I pass out from stress overload), buy a lot of shit I can't find in Visby and then go back home broke and worn out.

Incoherent thoughts

How can I finish anything I ever start? Every little or big project I start goes very fast in the beginning and I just love doing it ...until I lose all inspiration and creativity, just like that. I can't concentrate, I can't even concentrate on this passage of text I'm writing right now. It feels like I have a lot on my mind but yet no clear thoughts come to me. I'm sifting through my love's every picture on Dayviews, but I don't know what I'm looking for. My comments perhaps, or I just wanna see how he's changed over the years.

What else is on my mind? Caffeine and sleep, I think. As I said, I can't snap up any clear thoughts, it's all just a vague murmur. It reminds me, in the shower before going to bed yesterday, I said out loud "You know you're schizophrenic when even your voices have disorganised speech". It holds some significance, but I'm not trying to talk myself into believe I'm schizophrenic, and I'm not intentionally parading it either, it was just something that came to mind when I realised that I and Anna often start conversations like in the middle of a sentence and then I ask her (or the other way around for that matter) what hell she's talking about.

That happens quite a lot, several times a day, multiple times a day, maybe 20 or something. I don't know. So yeah, I have very disorganised, incoherent thoughts that just seem to pop up from nowhere. I think they are someone else's thoughts that I snap up from the air or something. Like radio waves.

I'm not saying that I can read other people's minds, cause I can't. It's just that maybe some of our thoughts can be transported, detach and end up in someone else's head. Like radio waves. No, I'm not gonna wear a helmet of tin foil to protect myself from these thoughts, simply because it's nothing I need to protect myself from. But now I suddenly understand why some schizophrenics do that, put tin foil on their heads. It makes perfect sense! How delusional am I now again? I mean one must be a little bonkers to suddenly think that severely mentally ill people actually are having great ideas in dealing with mystical forces that I also believe in. Like some sort of shared delusion or something.

They're just random, jumbled up words and sentences with no reason or rhyme. Like: "I should get promoted because of how my kitchen looks. Maybe there could be a way to change that." to which Anna replies "What the fuck are you talking about?" and I just say "I have no idea".

I've lost my train of thought again. Well then, that'll have to be all for now.

Creativity rush

“My next project will be advanced and take longer time” I remember babbling about in another entry. Well, I’ve been working 3-4 hours now and I’m almost half done with this last project. Didn't really count the fact that I’m constantly high on caffeine and don't sleep. This will all the done by tomorrow, most likely. And believe me, I’m methodical, careful and precise in every cut or stitch. Working with layers of fabric, thread and steel. Twisting, wrapping, sewing. Measuring and trying to not completely entangle myself in the messy little threads the fabric lets off. The latter completely fails though, it's like fighting with cobweb, it sticks everywhere except where it's supposed to be: in the fabric.

I’m having a little smoke break now, and enjoying the rush. The positive thing about these severely increased highs and lows that shifts multiple times a day, is that when I’m on a high it feels really fantastic! A bit like being on speed, except that I’m also creative, confident, have good self esteem and a constant smile on my lips.

That is not the caffeine by the way, because I get just as severe lows on the same (well I can't know exactly) doses of it. It could of course be that the caffeine is contributing to the increased variations between these polar extremes, but it doesn't just make me manic, is my point. It just increases, well everything it seems.

Alrighty then, back to work!

Fixing what's broken

I fell asleep tonight, after accidentally taking my sleeping pills. I always otherwise select and put them away first, but this time I forgot to think and downed them with the rest of my evening cocktail. I got so bad anxiety after I realised I couldn't keep myself awake after that, no matter what I tried. I screamed inside, my heart beating so fast, I was breathing so fast, the feeling of helplessness so incredibly strong. It felt like I was gonna die if I allowed myself to go to sleep. I had only been awake for 52 hours, and I won't let that happen again.

I feel sick in my soul after having sleeping that long, it's like even my body rejects it. My head is killing me, my back aches and my stomach is tense. Now I’m drinking tea, smoking and sniffing nail polish in an attempt to awaken myself. The nail polish just makes me dizzy though. I hate this so much! I hate waking up a lot more than I hate being awake at days on a row! And I hated admitting defeat and lying down in my bed. I just wish I never had to sleep, ever again.

I feel broken. Like something has shattered within me and its sharp scattered edges cuts me up inside. I don't know if it's some form of anxiety, or just plain old self hatred. Whatever it is, it's unpleasant. Hoping that listening to The 69 Eyes will wash away some of that. Pretending I’m at dMz, tipsy and happy with my friends I haven't seen for over a year. Ah, there! My nails are all black and shiny. Now I’ll just have to wait until this third and last layer dries before I start embroidering again. Will have to wait until tomorrow when I can go to buy some new needles for my sewing machine, so I can continue my crafting. Also I will buy some material for my next project, which will be even more complex. I hope I'll have enough patience for that...

Highs and lows

I've been smiling continuously for like five minutes now. It's strange and it hurts my cheeks, but in a good way. I even took a picture just to see what my genuine smile looks like. Not quite like the fake, glued on smiles one usually makes for the camera. I like the way my teeth look! Except they're a little yellow now from all the smoking. I don't really like “perfect” teeth and I’m glad the braces I wore for two years didn't give me a Pepsodent tooth paste commercial smile. Where's the charm in that?

What do I have to grin about by the way? It's starting to really hurt my face now, and I’ve passed on to giggling as well. What's in that energy drink?! Did someone drop dope in it or what? Is it about something positive or is it sarcastic? A wide snarl to tell myself I can face my inner darkness and chaotic lifestyle and punch it to the ground, perhaps.

And so suddenly the amusement was replaced by sadness. For no apparent reason. What's up with me today? I probably should eat something, but I’d rather have another cigarette. I really hoped I would finish my little crafting project today, but the sewing machine needle broke so now I can't finish it. I just won't do it by hand, it's so tedious and I always end up stabbing myself in my fingers all the time. Sure it's annoying the first five times... though I’ve learned to ignore such pain and just keep on. I feel handicapped with a patch or thimble, so it's easier to just lick up the blood ignore the pounding pain. Distraction.

Now I'm smiling again. What the fuck?! I'll tell you, it's gotta be this sleep deprivation leaving strange marks in my mind. Like little unexplainable dots of confusion. Fucking up my emotions by poking the wrong neurons or something. Ugh, what do I know about neurology anyway? Less than I would want to know. I wanna know a lot about psychology and human behaviour, and even neurology cause it's so closely related to them. It fascinates me, cause there is so much to learn about it, so much which haven't even been discovered yet. An issue that will never ever bore me. There are so few of those things in this world to me. I don't know if this interest of mine has got to do with my interest for human beings or just my undying interest for understanding my own fucking brain.

Nonetheless, I believe it could be a healthy obsession, if I one day will be able to complete my gymnasium grades and get accepted to a really cool university program involving behavioural science, neurology or psychology, or possibly all three! 

Middle landing on apathy...

How to have fun in misery

I'm not sure whether the pictures I take of myself actually have become better lately, or if it just feels that way. Does the pictures look better cause I think that I'm actually looking better or is it the other way around?

Things are starting to look strange again... I’m torn between the fear of sleeping and the fear of hallucinating. I can't escape both, and I don't think that I can choose. What an obvious choice, perhaps, but it's never quite that simple when it comes to me. My fear of sleep is equally strong as my fear of hallucinating, thus making the decision impossible for me to make. I just wish I didn't have to make such a choice. But stupid as I am, I can feel it in my gut that I will choose to rather fight off imaginary insects to going to bed tonight. That's how far off the edge I am right now.

At least I got an appointment to see my therapist on Wednesday, so maybe I can get a tip or something on how to straighten myself out a little. If I will have to be admitted it will have to be a short visit cause I’m heading off to Uppsala the week after that! I really think I need that “perk me up” and it's better than any medicine or hospital bed. I even feel as if I have a slight case of energy going on these last few days. I’ve been taking a walk once, sometimes twice a day and my walk is light, steady and even faster than usually.

I’m making some stuff, sort of a Halloween outfit, but it's not a full costume. It will just be few items, quite outstanding ones, but still. Things I could, if I wanted to, find in one of those crappy stores selling cheap costumes, but I just want it to look right. And a little eye-catching perhaps. I know it's silly, but this will be my first Halloween as a Satanist and according to their bible it's the one holiday to be celebrated. I've always loved this holiday and so I thought, why not actually go out as something a little less boring than a vampire or zombie?

I’ve been planning on making something for Halloween all summer, even if it meant I was just gonna stalk the streets in Hemse wearing it. If I could just get it right... need to buy some light steel wires/net or something for my next part of the project. And lots of more fabric. It would have been neat with thin, smooth leather, but I haven't found any such. All they have on this island is rough sheep skins the farmers themselves fixed up, and that won't do. So I’ll just go for fabric that might resemble it a little. Maybe I’ll even mix up different materials... ah, the ideas are many! It's amazing what you can make out of simple pieces of cloth you have lying around in the house, if you just put your mind to it. Though I’m running out of such items, and I can't trash any more clothes for that purpose either.

I’m high on caffeine. Gulped down three large cans of energy drinks since midnight. If it wasn't for them I would not be awake by now. Sometimes when I’ve forgot to drink for a little while the tiredness comes right back at me, and I desperately drink half a can to “shape up” again. Oh, this week... it's been a whole week now, can you imagine? I don't know if it's worth any sort of comfort or anything, but just so you know, it's not a game or a world record competition for me to stay awake. Seriously don't know where that idea came from. It's an endless chase from an irrational fear that is somehow connected to my sleep. That's as much as I know at the moment.

(This is why self psycho-analysis is so addictive: it gives results.)

I keep mistaking objects in my apartment for cats. I wanna paint my nails, but I wanna finish my crafting first. Can't do that with newly painted nails. Oh well, I suppose I’ve got all night for that... but now the anxiety is starting to catch up with me again, at every time a day I went up last time. Now it was almost two nights ago I got up from bed, and the anxiety hits me again, counting the days and hours of awaken time passed. Cause I know that the longer I stay awake, the harder it will be to not fall asleep. I’ve been having such awful anxiety around midnight almost every night this week, cause that is when it hits me. When I have been awake for 18-23 or 42-47 hours and the tiredness hits me in the face and I feel like I can't stay up any longer. The feeling is so powerful, it's like it eats me alive. And I don't even know what it is I fear so badly I’ve been popping Zyprexa like a maniac just to stop hyperventilating and the feeling of being close to fainting. Feelings like that shouldn't come unnoticed.

At least now I know what I’m dealing with, approximately what it is I fear. But how the hell can one be afraid of sleeping?! Isn't that against human nature or something? Well, all of me is apparently in some way or another against human nature... though at least I’m not the only one with this particular problem. Just hoping my doctors will take me seriously this time. Not just the obvious sleep deprivation issue, but the fear that lies behind it. Cause it doesn't matter what pills they give me for my sleep when I won't even take them.

I feel like a train of misery, passing or picking up every nasty experience I come by.