A gay day

Just a quick entry with a couple of today's thoughts. First two paragraphs I wrote around 10am this morning, the rest within the last hour or so. This entry is the total opposite to my previous one. It's been a good day. Wow, it's been a long time since I last said that. A good day? Was a while ago.

I just woke up and remember my dreams! One of them was really nice and woke me up with a smile. It was super gay and sweet. Lots of women flirted with me, and I was kissing, making out and just playfully goofing around with them. That was probably the nicest dream I've had in a very, very... very long time. Cause it was just so sweet, light-hearted and fluffy feel-good. No one treated me bad in that dream, and I didn't feel bad in any way, it was just flirty, cuddly and giggly. Soft, fun, sweet and sexy. And I was seen/treated as a woman, entirely, and also I had nice boobs that made me feel good about being topless and touched.

Because I haven't been able to remember my dreams since detransing until now, I don't know if boobs have been on me in any previous dreams or not. But if not, then this was the first dream of mine ever to show my body as looking different from what it actually looks like in reality. And that makes me smile really wide, cause that's very dysphoria alleviating! I felt so good and nice about my body in that dream. Like I had no discomfort about what I looked like and just thrived in all that cosy lesbian cuddling. The dream was only mildly sexual, like soft porn, I guess. Like there were no pussies involved in the dream, but all that deep french kissing and intense boob squeezing and topless flirting was really not straight. And everyone was horny for me and each other in that dream. Like it was just one huge lesbian orgy. I think it might have been a party, but I'm not sure, it was sometimes outdoors in like a sparse forest area and sometimes a city, and sometimes it was in indoors areas like someone's home. Maybe the frequent changing of settings represent that I have/will always love women regardless of where I am? I like that thought though.

Oh fuck, I'm on qruiser and this super hot woman messaged me... several hours ago and now we're in deep conversation. She lives far away though (in fucking south Sweden) but she invited me to go to a concert in Denmark with her and then go to her place and party and well yes also fuck... and I'm kinda seriously considering it. I mean, she's not just hot, she's pretty much the exact kind of girl I want to meet, near perfect damn it. So it's kinda hard to just say no cause of distance.

She looks kinda punk-rock butch and very hardcore but has like some sweetness to her as well and that's just super enticing for me. Also a great looking body as far as I can see from her photos. Kinda curvy thin and a bit muscular. If I had a type for women she would be it. She's around my age. Personality-wise I really dig her too. Like kinda brutal and very straight forward, but she's kind too and brags about being very good at giving amazing orgasms... Like is she for real even?! And yeah, she's definitely into women, told me she's been in serious relationships with women and isn't even into men. She thinks I'm really sexy too. Also, she's trans mtf. But that has no bearing on how I'm attracted to her and wanting to fuck her. I'm just kinda... ah, unf?

I think I've gotten a pretty good connection with her already too. Like at least I notice some kind of spark of sexiness going on between us. But granted, meeting in real life may be different. But in my experience, usually for the better. We'll see though, where that may or may not lead. But I think I'd at least really like just hanging out with her even if sex somehow turns out disappointing for one or both of us. But fuck I can't say I'm not excited about the possibilities! Oh, my! But I'll need to sleep now. After I've taken my vagifem and masturbated to some random fantasies about her. Considering how constantly horny I've been these past several hours, I think cumming will be way too easy. I'm gonna try to draw it out with some serious edging, I think.

Not to brag but I'm just literally too good at making myself cum, especially these days. If I'm not holding back and edging at least some 5-10 times, it's over in like 10 seconds and I'm too post-orgasm-hyper-sensitive to be able to continue. What a first world "problem" huh? But yeah, bed now. I'll catch ya' later.

I'll call this entry "A gay day" cause the word gay also means happy, so you've got a double-meaning there.

Loving you since June

I'm afraid K might fall in love with someone else. If he does, I don't know what I'll do. I don't want to know what I would do if that happens. Too painful just to think about. I'm so scared of it, scared I will come clean about my feelings for him too late. Afraid he's gonna say that I could have had a chance but not anymore. I could even be years too late... what do I know.

That would be even worse than total rejection. But it could also mean that I could keep on waiting for him, cause he could fall out of love again and reconsider me. At least that could be possible, right?

I've known him but not really known him since about 2010, I think. Could have been before then. I honestly don't remember exactly when and how we came across each other online, but I have an idea. That still bugs me, cause I want to be able to tell that "there and then was when we met" you know. Now it's like he's always been in my life.

No, I will never let go of him. Even if I would have to wait a whole lifetime through until we are old and grey, and I think I'll keep loving him even after I die, whenever that will be. I've never felt like this for another person ever before. Is that sad? That my love for him runs so deep that I'm prepared to wait for him forever if it would come to that. I think that even if he rejects me I still wouldn't let go. I'll never stop loving him. Will I waste my life loving someone unobtainable? Is he even unobtainable? There's so much I don't know.

But isn't it kinda sweet too? That he can always rely on me that I'll love him no matter what. Unconditionally. Cause he really can, trust me with that, I just don't know if he knows that. I'll tell him though, when we meet in person, and I'll try not so sound like a total creep cause I'm so obsessed with him. Blinded by love. Is that creepy? Yeah, I've made my decision. I'm gonna tell him.

And I listen to David Bowie's song "As the world falls down" and think of K. "As the pain sweeps through, makes no sense for you. Every thrill is gone, wasn't too much fun at all. But I'll be there for you, as the world falls down..."

Interpret this

Heatstroke. I get heatstroke from the inside. Do you know what that is like? It feels like I'm on fire, but I'm not. I ate too much yesterday, so I have to go to the gym and work out a little extra with the cardio exercise. Just want to work off bad conscience and guilt. I buy fitness magazines and try to get some advice. Don't know if it's any good advice though. And I know I'm doing it wrong by starving and exercising at the same time. But I do it to lose weight fast.

They say you shouldn't starve because you'll gain the weight again when you go back to eating normally again. Bwah, they are so generalising! I won't go back to eating "normally" since I don't want to and I never have. Even if I would I wouldn't do it over night, but slowly eat more and more, careful as fuck not to gain the weight again. I will never allow myself to get that fat again. Ever.

I wonder what it's gonna look like when my nipples fall off. Whenever that will be. The part of the scar I can see around them is about the same colour my nipples were in before the surgery. They will of course become paler with time, the scars, so maybe I'll tattoo there or something. I don't know. Gonna meet my surgeon again sometime in the summer, so I'll see what's the verdict.

Ugh, I have this feeling that someone's watching me right now, since I got back home from my family's place. Not with video cameras, but sort of magically, or astral somehow. It's weird. Anna says I'm just crazy and that only schizo's believe that stuff. It's a nice interpretation coming from an imaginary person...

I've had a few rough days with mild symptoms. I've seen messages directed to me (from car registration plates, street signs and in magazines), felt watched and that people are reading my thoughts. Shadows in the corner of my eye, something strange in the air, like ghosts or something. No voices other than Anna's and no real hallucinations though. I've been balancing on the edge between sanity and insanity again.

Oh, by the way. Sex change happening in the autumn!* Then I will (hopefully) be reassigned to legally male and get my new personal identity number and all that. My dream come true. Get a new ID-card. It's about time, it's broken and all already, even though it has one more year before it expires. Last time I got a new ID-card was right after my name change. Didn't think it would take four more years until I had to get a new one again... kinda hoped it would be sooner.

Don't know how I could have forgotten that was said during my meeting in Huddinge before. I've been thinking so much about K that I hardly think of or remember anything else. My mind is a mystery...



*I know I shouldn't use the words "sex change" because my gender has always been male, even though I was assigned female at birth, it's just that I find it simple to say.

Talk and actions

Gonna wait with my walk today, cause I will go to the gym later today, and that's far away enough of a walk. Feels like I'm just all talk and no actions, but I'm planning on changing that now. And hoping my panic won't prevent me from doing so. If I really can't drag my ass to the gym today I'll have to think of something else, like working out at home or something. But I need to work on my condition and I can't really run.

Well I "can" run, it's just that I'd rather not do it. It's restraining in the wrong way. It's restraining for my overly sensitive feet and my knee mostly, which is not desirable. I'm sure you understand. According to my mother, who has the same symptoms about her knees, it's likely a sports injury. Pretty funny, eh?

Cause I don't do and have never really done any sorts of sports (excluding karate in junior high) but still got this seemingly permanent injury after climbing in an old and very long staircase in a church in January last year on a school trip. So eh, gonna have to be a bit careful with that in mind.

Also I don't have the physique for running. And I hate running, probably because of all the above reasons. So I'm not actually being lazy when I refuse to run for a bus or hurry up whenever or wherever. I will just never be fit enough for it. Like ever. And I'm okay with that, the only thing I'm not okay with is other people not being okay with that. Like show some damn respect or something.

People take running for granted, that every fit person is capable of running a lot and without difficulty. They are so stupid to think that (sorry if I hit a nerve on some of you readers). You can be fit in a thousand ways and you don't automatically become good at running just because you work out.

I sucked at running when I practised karate as well. I was at my fittest back then but I still couldn't run without getting exhausted. I could walk miles and miles without getting tired. I could sit on an exercise bike forever and not get tired. I was fit, but running was the only thing I just couldn't do.

So my point with all this ranting is that I won't run as a part of my planned work out. I find other ways, like the exercise bike or a cross trainer for instance. Though I could easily do that before my knee injury, but I might have to be a little more careful now. As far as I'm concerned it is the cartilage behind my knee that is messed up, causing pain and it sort of makes this crunching sound. Very vague and more of a feeling really, but it's not very pleasant.

I don't know but I think I could be making it worse by restraining it. I do that, I know, by crawling around on the floor in my living room when I fix with the coat that I'm making. When it's at its worse I can't even reach down to pick something up from the floor, it hurts to bend the knee. But I can and do put my weight on my left knee instead then.

My mother talked about that she had found ways how to move and stuff to not restrain her knees but she's had that since she was twelve and I've only had this for a year now. At first she didn't quite believe me when I first told her that this damage was permanent, sometime in March or April last year and I had had it for a few months by then. It's a bit long for a spraining, isn't it?

Oh, by the way. I had a sad dream tonight. It wasn't exactly a nightmare, it was just sad really. I dreamt that I saw one of my favourite actors during an event of some sort and he almost died right in front of my eyes. Heart attack or something. This guy was 50 something so not an entirely odd choice of fatality for my brain to make. He survived though, so that was a bit of a relief. But I think it was a tad bit of lucid dreaming there at the end, that I sort of somehow made him survive to make a happy ending to the dream.