That annoying person, my third "contact person" that I had an appointment with today, I just can't stand her. Though I lie my pretty little lies and hope she buys them. Hoping that me being completely honest about a lot of things won't make the lies so obvious. I actually even zoned out when she talked about anxiety, thought to myself that "yadda yadda, heard this a gazillion times already how the hell do I tell her that".
She's annoying because she goes on and on about that I should practice being more self reliant and not let my mother help me so much. I'm trying, really trying to tell her that it's not a problem for either me or my mother. I wish she would just back off already.
I wouldn't say that I despise her, but I don't like what she's trying to do. What her frigging job is and why I'm supposed to deal with her anyway. I didn't ask for that, didn't ask for an annoying woman to tell me what to do. I may be a mentally dysfunctional adult depending a lot on my mother, but as of today I don't want it any other way. It's too soon and I just wish she could back the fuck off.
Maybe next time I'll tell her that. Just straight up ask her what's the damn point with our meetings and why this is being forced upon me. If she'd tell me it's just the way it's supposed to be or whatever, that she "can't" back off, then I'm just not gonna show up at anymore meetings. I hate it how the health care system is such a drag sometimes. Well, it's a lot better on Gotland than it was in Uppsala, that's for sure, but they're still trying to fuck with me over here as well. Protocol my ass, it's my life god damn it.
I might be a hundred people's job but that doesn't give any of them the right to try to control me. I've had it with that. That's how the health care for insane people works in this country. They either completely ignore you and your problems or they become overly protective and try to control you. When the outpatient care acts like you have LPT* but you don't, something is wrong and they have no right to treat me that way. No fucking right, and I'll make sure they know that if it will have to come to that. I feel like a frigging lab rat sometimes.
I've been weak. I've been on my knees begging them to save me from myself when I was at my worst. I may not be strong enough to take care of myself now, but I'm strong enough to take control over a situation spiralling out of control. At least I believe so.
Baby steps. I need to take things in my own pace and that includes everything that I need/want to change in my disastrous life. Right now, I've only been feeling better for a couple of months after how many years of various degrees of misery. It will take time, lots of time before I can learn to stand on my own two feet, if ever. And I'm okay with that. In fact I wouldn't want it any other way. Stressing things like that is a major risk of falling down again, and I don't want to risk that.
It seems my contact persons are taking further steps for me, they go over my head with it. I don't know exactly what to believe, but I'm not okay with whatever it is they're trying to do without my consent. First of all I want to take it easy for a while. Start exercising and change my body. Trying to eat better and sleep better, naturally comes second. Take control over my mind and thoughts/feelings, maybe going back to DBT. Cleaning up my apartment and go through all the boxes with stuff that still lie around unpacked allover my apartment since I moved in a year ago.
So basically I don't want to do anything towards a more independent way of living until at least August or September, if I haven't fallen back again before then, that is. That I should tell that annoying person previously mentioned. I should make up a vague "plan" on what I'm willing to change as of now and bring it to her. If that won't be appreciated I don't know what would.
*LPT means that you're forced to get hospitalised or get other necessary care/help the state can provide, mostly in cases the patient can't make their own decision or are a danger to themselves or others.
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