This weird feeling didn't seem to go away. It's like I'm questioning myself in a way I didn't think I'd ever do again. Just testing, perhaps. It's like I don't know what to do with myself. I just want to disappear from my body, like I'm a stranger in it again. Or still, always have been. But it's been easier the last month due to the surgery. So now the dysphoria is back or what?
Moving around in the village made me almost crumble today. I just didn't know how to move, where to look or anything. I didn't want to restrain myself before strangers and possible acquaintances to pass, yet I feared not passing for the life of me. Yeah, dysphoria is hitting me in the face today. Trying to calm myself down, telling myself that I do pass, that I haven't been misgendered in almost a year. That is a long time, exceptionally long time for me.
And still... I don't know, I can't control these damn feelings. They're eating me up. It's not just dysphoria, but it's related to the fact that I think I'm too fat as well. But maybe that is linked, cause sure I'm too fat everywhere, but it's worst around my butt, thighs and stomach; which is what is left of what still gives me female curves. That is my main concern and I just can't figure out how the hell I'm supposed to be able to lose more weight.
I know, just losing weight won't make me thinner where I want and not where I don't want, but look at it this way: how many skinny people have you seen with a huge butt? None, because they are skinny allover.
I hate vegetables and I hate eating altogether so the only damn things I can eat are sandwiches and chicken noodles. Everything else is just unthinkable. And exercise? Well, I'm not supposed to do that now and I just can't go the gym. I don't know why, but I panic.
So it's like I'm stuck in a hopeless situation and it's starting to become unbearable. The only time I actually lost weight was when I ate regularly and sparsely, like on a schedule, when I was at the hospital last summer. I can't do that on my own.
It's all just out of my power and I'm sick of it! Why can't I change!? Why was I given a body I would do nothing but hate? I won't do anything radical on my own, but I can't wait forever either. Time is the only thing I have and I have given it time. I've given it everything I fucking have. But it's never enough. Can't believe I'm so vain and obsessed with my body and the way I look, it's insane.
I think this is beyond transsexualism. Most other people I've met in that similar situation don't hate their bodies the way I hate mine. Of course they had/have dysphoria on bad days too, but not all the time. They didn't talk about crying when they saw themselves in the mirror, or having to shower with the light turned off, like I do. I avoid mirrors on my good days, or if I do look in a mirror I make sure I only look at one specific thing, like my hair or make up or clothes. Never the whole lot of it.
On bad days I cover or take away my bathroom mirrors completely to not accidentally see myself in them. On bad days I don't shower. On really bad days I don't show myself in public no matter what. On good days I just want to lose weight and gain some muscles. On bad days I want to stop eating and cut the fat away. Today is a bad day.
Sometimes meditating helps. My own, special kind of meditation that goes against normal guidelines. Where I sit as perfectly still as I possibly can in a small, confided space in total darkness. Music so that I won't hear myself breathe. But focusing on my breathing, keep it calm and in rhythm. It's as close to disappearing that I can come.
It's just that some of my ghosts still bother me, you know. I choose to say "ghosts" instead of demons, because you all know how I feel about that expression. All demons aren't evil, I'm a demon and I'm not evil. And I don't want to be associated with evil. Ghosts might not be evil either, but they can be scary and can cause you to worry, and they haunt you. My ghosts definitely haunt me.
I don't think I'm depressed or anything like that today though, cause a few things sure made me smile on Facebook and such. Holding on to that, of course, (clutching so tightly) but still I feel like shit. Had plans for my new soon to be sewing project, to make the Frozen Shadoweave Robe from WoW as an outdoors coat. I'll post along a picture of a screen shot, if you're interested in how it looks. (My main character Izanami is posing for the picture.) So yeah, I'm trying not to let my dysphoria wear me down completely today. Sometimes it's just better to try thinking of something else and move on.
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