Starve for control

I think a whole lot about food and eating, don't I? A bit too much I'd say, cause it makes me sick just thinking about it. My relationship to food has become worse, I realise. I still wanna lose weight and not eat, but I wish I could stop obsessing about it. Maybe it's just a phase, maybe I won't get an eating disorder.

At least I hope so, cause I don't want to get new problems all the time. But I know I'm in the risk zone. I've been a bit pro-ana to be honest, though I'm not proud of that. Not at all. I mean I've been jealous of anorexic people, that they can keep such control over what they're eating when I couldn't. That they can stay thin and even if they get better they're not likely to ever get fat. More likely to fall back though, but still. Yeah, I'm fucked up, I know...

I am a control freak, even though it might not be obvious. There's so much that I feel is out of control which drives me crazy, so I have to find things that I can control. And I found out I could control what I'm eating last spring, or at least I tried. I impatiently tried to be anorexic, or at least living that way. I was desperate to lose weight. I still am.

For every kilo that I lose I get inspired to lose more. I starve constantly and have done so for months at an end now. Almost a year (I don't remember exactly when it started). "Good" thing that my metabolism can handle that. I say good like that cause I want to see more results from my lack of eating. I don't just starve cause I hate food, I do it cause I hate my body.

My body image is really bad and my self esteem is low. I can still eat properly when offered food though, unless it's really disgusting of course. I don't eat much, cause there's just not so much room in my stomach anymore. That tends to happen when you eat very little for a long time.

I don't know what happened last spring. What drove me to this way of living. I had been over weight for almost two years by then, so it wasn't a recent weight gain. But for some reason I must have just snapped eventually. That I needed for something to be done about my hatred towards my body.

I've always hated the way I look and thought I was too fat since I was about six or seven years old. It's almost amazing I lasted this long without eating disorders. If you look at it that way. Eating has always been a problem one way or another and so has the way I look been for me, it's just that last year they combined. All I see is a downward hill but it could also still change. I'm not there yet, I could turn it around... if I wanted to. And that is my problem. If I really don't want to have an eating disorder, why don't I do something about that?

Cause it's always been a goal in my life to be thin and good looking, just like for (almost) everyone else. And I'm working towards that goal, so why would I wanna ruin that? I'm one of few who actually said "I've had enough" and went to do something about it. No way I'm gonna stop now. No way, I'm just starting.