A sweet thing

So I'm chatting with this guy, his name is Greg by the way, while his messages halfway disappears into the guild chat. Meanwhile I chat in said guild as well, write to a guy on Facebook, write here and on Forum.transsexualism.se. I'm quite busy, in other words. Don't know really what's gotten into me, but it's like I actually have some energy and I'm so confused cause I don't know what to do with it. Nope, gotta find another chat forum. Anna says I'm flirting for sure, I tell her to shut her pie hole. And yes, I'm talking about different things and different people in the same passage without telling you so. Okay I had to stop guild chat cause it was getting too much, and I don't wanna lose track of that guy's messages.

Light role play progresses to an in game date. I am so nervous I have to bite a pen and can't stop chain smoking and gulp coffee like a crazy person. Okay, this has gone on for hours now and I'm getting... over stimulated, or something. Could my character just fall asleep in his character's arms? Or would that be a bit rude? *Never really done any role play before and don't want to get exposed* but I can't go on all day. The "Breaktime" addon says it's been two hours. Okay, I didn't really think it was hours, but I'll be damned, it was.

Oh my god, I'm so stupid! He's gotta be a troll or insane. I hope he's not a troll... Or maybe I'm the troll, or we're both insane. Anna agrees that we are both utterly insane. I don't know how much I want to go into detail here, it's like it's too private you know? But it's like I've gone completely nuts with my creepiness and got full response in the same manner. If you've seen me drunk at parties back in the days, allover some guy or girl not able get take my eyes or hands off them, then that's not far from how I am with this guy. I'm completely sober now, but I knew I have it in me.

We completely opened up to each other and it's like we just want to to hold each other forever or something. It's weird, but I find comfort in his words. Cause really, that's all it is. I don't know what he looks like, what his voice sounds like, or even what his taste in music is.

It's now been three hours, and I don't know what to do. A part of me just wants to stay with him and never let go, (jeez, am I that lonely? Well, apparently) and another part of me just wanna crawl back into my usual introvert...ness, and kill monsters in WoW without interruptions. I don't know what I'm gonna do yet. Perhaps I could go on for another hour or so, but then I'm gonna pretend to fall asleep or something awkward like that like I always tend to do...

I'm writing this in between messages to him, so I need to keep going for a while. Just so that I have something to do. Can't just keep staring at the screen. And I always have a gazillion thoughts to share anyways. I'm constantly criticising everything I say in chat. It's annoying, but if I stop, Anna takes over and start criticising me instead. It's annoying hearing voices in situations like these...

I'm destroying everything. Now where to clear my mind if not in WoW? Now what should I say? I just took off in the middle of our five hours long conversation and just walked out the apartment door. I walked and walked, for maybe 30 minutes or so. Then I went straight to the shower and stayed in there somewhere around 45 minutes. And now here I am, hesitant to log into WoW and explain my situation to him. What situation? That I'm a freak and just got a sudden burst of "hey I'm gonna take a walk and then a shower without even mentioning it and get you all worried for absolutely no reason"?

I don't understand what the fuck I'm doing. I just flaunt my feelings with the wind until some unfortunate bastard catches them. And then I run for it. It's like I'm completely unpredictable and why can't I even warn myself? At least I get back to my senses at one point or another. Then somehow fixing the mistake, now that's the hardest part.

What I probably should be doing would be taking him away from my friends list in WoW and typing /ignore and never hear from him again. But I don't want to. I want him to be here for me tomorrow and greet me with all his love. But it doesn't feel right. Why doesn't it feel right?

Oh, the tangled webs I weave... I just don't know what to do, and I've gotta figure it out fast cause I miss WoW. How did this happen? I didn't know the guy five hours ago and now he's suddenly my suffocating boyfriend? How did... what the... huh?

Think of something, damnit. Should I lie and tell him I got an urgent phone call and the time just suddenly flew by? Tell him that I'm just tired and want to be left alone but not explaining why and possibly break his heart in the process? Cause the truth is too twisted, too scattered. As you can see, I don't even know what's going on.

This is a bit too freaky even for me. But it's sweet, and that's where I'm divided. It's a sweet thing that hasn't happened to me before and he's such a sweet guy. And I feel awful even thinking about letting him down. Not just because I'd make him sad, but because making him sad would hurt me too, you know what I'm saying? Stuck in a lose-lose situation here...

Maybe I just imagined it all. Maybe he was just a troll. I wouldn't like that, but it would take care of my problem. Harshly so, but then maybe there is no pain free way to get out of this alive? I'm so tired. Maybe I should just call my mother regarding my medication and then go to sleep. I've been so busy today you have no idea. It has worn me out completely, and I even had some energy today. Heavy on the "had" part. Being social is so very restraining that sometimes I doubt it's even worth it.

And I can't keep it on a normal level either. Too much of this or that and it becomes hours long conversations that I just don't know how to (politely) end. Social networking. I've had enough of that for a lifetime just today. I went nuts and now it's thrown back at my face. As it usually is about being nuts to begin with. It's all always thrown back at your face and you have to eat your words and live with what you've done for the rest of your life.

And you know what? It doesn't make it any better at all that you have diagnoses to blame it on. Now this is a typical borderline scenario. Fall fast, die hard. Cause I highly doubt I'm the only one who's been in this situation, though I'd suggest it's not the most common thing either.

To be completely honest, I think this is just another way for me to handle my unrequited/obsessive love kinda thing, like a compensation of sorts. That I just so intensively crave love and sort of subconsciously seek it wherever and whenever. Knowing that it's only him that I want but then I can't have him and I seek the attention elsewhere but still it's always aimed at him.

It's horribly cruel to those I seek attention from. Like I want them to give me everything I can take yet I won't give anything in return. I just pretend to. Pretend that they are him. It's evil, isn't it? Cause it's one thing using people for their body, for sex, but using them for their love... I don't think they have a category for that. Other than just "asshole" then.

But I'm not entirely evil, just a bit, cause when I do realise what I'm doing I always try to correct the mistake at the best of my ability. Usually it doesn't take that long for me to realise that, which is also a good thing. And now I think I have come to another such realisation. That I don't love this internet guy, I'm just applying my feelings for my real crush on him. And because they were responded it got a little wild.

But I still don't know how to deal with this. Just tell him it was all a mistake and wish him happy hunting for his real prince out there in the world? It still stings in my heart, because of the mess I made. Just keep me away from people. Everyone but my love, cause it seems that's about the only stable relationship I have right now. And it's not even close to an actual relationship. At least I think we know where we have each other though. Casual chatting, compliments and reblogging of tumblr posts. Yup, that will just have to do. Now, if I can just grab this bull by the horns...