I'll soon let you know

The loneliness is killing me. I want comfort, I want his arms around me. Feel his body heat, his chest pressed tight against mine. If that would ever become reality, I could die happy. No, don't feel pressured K, I don't mean to do that. If you're reading this. I just want you near me and it's like I want nothing else. And I hug my stuffed animal as I go to sleep and pretend it's you. A white tiger cub smoother than velvet, softer than a down pillow.

Speaking of pillows. When I visited your place I was given something that I brought with me in a plastic bag to carry it. That plastic bag I still hold on to, inside my pillow case. It's a slight comfort, something of yours so close to me. The crew almost had me throwing it away when we spring cleaned my bedroom. My heart jumped at least twice. They can't know why I keep it and why should I tell them?

I do anything I can to experience something like I'm closer to you. Your picture on my cell phone screen lighting up the room right next to me as I fall asleep. So that you are the last thing I see every night and the first thing I see every morning. I don't feel like I'm obsessed anymore. Just really lovesick. And missing you so much is so painful.

I have it under control, but sometimes the feelings get overwhelming. I want you near me constantly. I want to be in your company no matter what and I want to be where you are even if you wouldn't be in Sweden. Fantasising about going with you on one of your trips through Europe.

I care less and less about if people find out who you are to me. If they find out who it is that I'm love with. I leave little clues, like a trail of bread crumbs, making it a guessing game. Cause why should I care? I want the whole world to know how amazing you are. Cause you truly are, and I'm not just saying that cause I'm in love with you. You're sweet, kind, cool, have a good sense of humour, you'e handsome no matter what you wear and worth so much more than you realise. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.

The letter "K" is nowhere to be found in your name, by the way. Any of your names. So if you or anyone else is still unsure, that is a clue. I don't really just leave the clues as a part of some obscure guessing game, I do it because it's getting harder to leave stuff out. I worry about you, especially when you're not feeling so great. I worry like I've never worried about another person before. Maybe there is more than one reason for that. That I didn't need to worry so much about other people in my life before.

I don't mean to say that you need to be worried about, I know that you are strong. You really are. I just can't help it that I do. That is because I love you, cause I care so much that it actually hurts. I want to do everything with you. I fantasise about dancing, eating pizza, talking about some movie or video game, playing dress up, going on a date, grill vegetarian food in a park, cooking, crafting things, anything.

Most of my fantasies are like that. They are sweet, innocent and much about intimacy without it necessarily being sexual. Cuddles, small talk, just holding each other. That is what I most want. It's not that I crave it from you, or demand or anything like that. They're dreams, wishes. A possible future of many millions.

I write to you here because I'm still too afraid to talk to you directly, this openly. I will though, someday. I will let you know, one day or another, how much you mean to me. But not today. Tonight I'm lost in loneliness, lost in a dash of insomnia and I miss you. I miss your smile, your voice, the way you move, your smell, your touch. I'm also missing what never happened.

I wish I had your phone number so that I could call just to hear your voice. I want to talk to you, all the time. Never want to end our conversations, but sometimes I can't think of anything more to say. So I guess I want to hear more than just your voice then. But of course you don't have to give me your number if you don't want that. I accept that and would never push you. I hope I didn't push you.

I'm so careful not to mess up. To not become creepy again. Never really sure if I am or not. It's tricky knowing where to draw the line between being romantic and being a creep. Flirting has never been my strong side. But yes, it's time for me to start showing my interest to you, it's time to let you know now. I won't just spit out that I love you, I'd probably just casually flirt with you. Small steps, carefully and I'm painfully aware of that you might not like it. I have a plan, I think. Soon...