Warmth

My body aches even more today, which I kinda knew it would. Just 6 hours of sleep tonight and I'm already up. (6:30 to 12:30). Feels like I'm still asleep, even though I've had three cigarettes and a strong cup of coffee. Don't know how much actual coffee there is in those cappuccino portions, but I always add an extra teaspoon or two of instant coffee to it. For better effect and so that I won't have to drink so much of it. Just two or three cups a day.

Sure it tastes good, but not that good. You know me and how I feel about tastes, by now. They cling to my mouth and I don't like that. Even good tasting things I don't like it when it doesn't leave my mouth, and I have to wash it away, with water and cigarettes anything I can find that doesn't add more tastes. I drink a lot of water these days. Could be because of the heat.

It's summer like weather today as well, alluring for me to go out and be in it. But not just yet. Wanna wake up a little more first, let the coffee land in me. I'm listening to my old favourite band Melody Club. Discovered then in late 2002 when they released their first single called "Palace Station" and they've always had a place in my heart since then. Odd little Swedish synth rock band. And they keep releasing new albums but their first will always be the best.

I haven't dressed up for a while now. No new events or what to call my meetings with various doctors in Visby. Haha, isn't that a bit sad? That the only things I have to look forward to and dress up for is doctor's appointments? Well, I do the best that I can with what I get. It might not be an adventure, but it's something that breaks the routines in my every day life.

What routines? I don't know but I think I've been starting to get some lately. My walks, trying to get up in the morning instead of late afternoon, skin care, medication, those one or two hours a day I work on my coat and something more perhaps.

Slowly my life unfolds and becomes something real. But it's still very fragile, and I'm scared of ruining it. 

Okay I just took my short walk. And the swings in the playground. Irresistible. Oh, it's definitely summer today, warmer than indoors, probably around 30 degrees in the sun and 20 something in the shadow. The perks of this island, it's warmer than it ever was in Alunda and Uppsala. Might think of something nice to do outdoors later. Like drawing or having a picnic with myself or something.

I'm glad that the first spring in over ten years that I feel good is warm and sunny like this. It's like the weather is kind to me. And I appreciate it so very much. I don't want to miss a second of it. Don't be like the rest, taking it for granted and just letting the summer fly by. Don't take it for granted, enjoy it. The days that are so warm you can't breathe right, enjoy them too. The warm and moist nights full of mosquitos, enjoy them too. The chilly days with soft rain in your face, enjoy them too.

I won't let this summer pass by without me even noticing it. I want to be able to remember it forever and that in a good way. I just want to make it the best summer ever. They say I shouldn't be out in the sun with my new scars, but I say fuck that and put on a butt load of sunscreen and enjoy the damn sun and water. Shirtless, among people. It's been too damn long and I can't wait another year. You know that.

Yeah, the fine weather really makes me think about how I value my life today. This new hype of feeling good might just be temporary, but that's better than it not being at all. Just because I'm so fucking scared of falling to pieces again I just cling to every little second of this new way of living. The way I always do when I have something good to hold on to, but ten times more. I can't throw it away, can't waste it on just sitting on my ass doing nothing forever and complain about what still sucks.

Cause yeah I do complain and I do sit on my ass a lot, but that's not the point. I'm finally actually working towards reaching my goals in life. I need to balance rest and relaxation with work and difficult tasks to not wear myself out. And complaining, well we all do it, no matter what about. You can't expect me to be all sunshine all the time. But compared to just two months ago I'm all sunshine and oh my gosh so much has changed since then.

I can barely keep up with my mood swings, but this isn't just a mood swing, it's like a personality swing. Was it all because of the surgery? Cause somehow I doubt that is even possible. But it did open up a whole lot more possibilities for my future. It made me believe again that things can change for the better even when I give up all hopes. Maybe it's more of a figurative meaning to it. More spiritual than physical.

Damn, I just keep on ranting. But it's good rantings, don't you agree? I feel so disgustingly happy today, but my thoughts aren't clear. So I try to sort them out through writing. It usually works, seeing it black on white, or white on black here in my blog. No I'll keep the design on my blog, I like the black and blue. A stupid quiz once told me my blog should be blue and I took it as good advice. As a kid I hated that colour, but now I really like it. Blue and green and white and silver. Colours make the world go round, don't they? More than money, in my opinion at least. Cause everyone and everything have their unique colours, but not everyone have money.

Now I'm gonna see if I can think of something to bring outside and do. Eat breakfast perhaps.