Now I'm starting

I went to the gym. Totally passed (I was a bit worried that I wouldn't) and it was free because it was my first time there. There were a few others there but the place wasn't packed. According to the exercise bike I sat on for nearly 30 minutes I burned 160 calories, dunno if that is much or little, didn't wanna restrain myself too much. I guess the meter wasn't exact either.

Then I just checked out some machines and did a little full body work out, at least so I thought, but I haven't felt this weak and exhausted in a long time. In a very good way of course. Thinking I might drag myself there about twice a week, and continue taking walks every day. Good deal? Cause I'm kinda done being lazy.

Well, just wanted to get a feel for the environment in there really, so I'm not gonna do full body work outs every time. And mostly I wanna work on my upper body, but not exclusively. Haven't really thought that out yet, to be perfectly honest. Take it as it comes, I guess.

Damn, I'm hungry. But I don't want to eat now, I've just burnt calories, don't want to add them again... Gah, my head is empty. Too tired, I guess. Be back later.

Tired from sleeping

I had this really strenuous dream again tonight. I was at his home and he had like 7 sisters and 4 brother or something, that he was living with. I don't think I've ever had a dream before where I was interacting with so many different characters.

They had this insane schedule that they punished each other for if you skipped your chores. I was the guest there, but I still had to spend hour folding laundry and even dealing with their "laundry monster" which was something that looked like a halfbreed gorilla/yeti, who made crappy clothes for the family and guarded the washing machines.

So I've been chasing around him and doing his and his family's chores for hours at an end. God, I'm so tired now! "Sleep is for rest" yeah... tell that to my fucked up brain... And now for my last cigarette before the surgery. I think I deserve it.

Wake up and endure

I think there will be a lot of coffee drinking today. I've been up for three hours but I can't wake up, can't stop yawning and can't focus on anything for more than a few minutes at a time. I've already had three nicotine gums and put on two patches of the strongest kind. Singing along to up beat songs and having caffeine pills with my coffee. Something just has to work.

God damn, I want to smoke! But it's not the nicotine that I'm craving. I'm over dosing on it, I can't need any more, that would be beyond crazy if I do. Trying to just hold a cigarette and pretend to smoke it (it looks really silly, I can assure you) to see it that can help even remotely. Nope, didn't work, I lit it. Second and last for today... (How the hell I'm supposed to survive this I don't know.)

My psychiatrist said yesterday that she will write in my chart that I'm officially smoke free as of now. I don't know if that should make me feel good or guilty, cause I still smoke. Very little, which I told her, but still. Had three cigarettes yesterday and there will only be two today and one tomorrow. Then I will be smoke free for real the day after tomorrow, on Friday.

How much longer

I've started to escape my reality with sleep. To the point of taking more sedatives when I wake up so that I can sleep some more. I just tipped the scale, didn't I? From extreme sleep deprivation to over sleeping. It all stems from the same problem though: don't wanna sleep, and don't wanna be awake at the same time.

Didn't go to the grocery store today, even though I'm all out of food, or almost. My anxiety or sadness is still deep and I'd rather just sit in here doing nothing, than put on a jacket and go buy some food. On one hand I think that nobody cares about my suffering, but on the other hand I think they all care too much.

This is something I can't do anything about, I only have two options. One being keep bottling it up, keep pressing all these feeling away as far as I possibly can. The other is letting them roam free and possibly destroy me in the process. I suppose I value my life more this time, and I protect it as much as I can. But my mind is sore and my heart is weak. Carrying this is tiring me and I don't know how much further I'll be able to.

Once again I'm falling apart, but this time I'm actually trying not to. Willed enough to keep on fighting, but not strong enough. And I thought self destruction was only something you do by choice.

Simply existing

I think I'm opting for a caffeine overdose tonight. Six pills and two energy drinks in less than three hours. That would count as eight cups of coffee... Don't worry, I'll call an ambulance before I go into cardiac arrest. It's when I reach this state, after being awake for more than 30 hours and the third night falls, I get so tired that I have to double or triple my caffeine consumption to be able to keep awake. I've never been able to be up for four nights or more in a row, so can't tell how that would go.

I'm shivering, chain smoking and can't think about anything but simply existing right now. Holding my breath, breathe, feel my jaded heartbeats and the coldness on my back, the smoke in my eyes, the robe belt fastened too tight around my waist, my tense stomach, rocking myself to the rhythm to the music and the little aches in my wrists from all the typing.

Existing... why is it so hard sometimes? There's so much on my mind it's nothing at all. My whole body aches, except for my knees for some reason. Focus on them then. But I can't feel them, the little comfort there is disappears in all the pain. Why does my body have to be such a bitch? Demanding things I simply cannot give it. Is that how I am disabled? That I can't provide my body what it needs cause I'm that crazy. And I'm constantly deteriorating and I've been doing so since ever. But my body is strong, young and healthy.

Yet I feel old. Cause I can't carry the weight I have, constantly aching, tired and have no energy at all. I have all time in the world, but no energy to do anything the world has to give me. Not so strange that I feel like shit. And I'm still wanting to get in shape so it can give me some of that energy I lack, but knowing deep inside my heart that's not the way it works. It didn't work in junior high, so why should it now? I was healthier and younger then, ate better and trained karate three times a week, yet I was so damn tired and constantly aching already then. I just chose to ignore it, until I no longer could.

So why bother then? First of all, because I'm not gonna give up just because I've lost my hopes. That might sound contradiction, but it isn't. One is a feeling, the other is a choice, and I chose to go against that feeling.

I'm cold sweating now also. I hate it when that happens but I know it so well. Shivering in my own sweat, my body cooling itself down when I'm already cold which makes me even colder. This night feels so damn long, and it has barely just begun.

Ambivalent sleep issues

I just wanna tell him that I love him, but I can't. It's eating at me, I don't like keeping secrets, they almost always come out one way or another eventually, because I can't hold it in any longer. This only goes for my own secrets, I should assure you. Other people's secret I feel absolutely no need to blab about. Because that secret has already been shared, and it's not my secret to tell.

I've been pushed sometimes, to reveal someone else's secret, but no. When I make a promise not to tell, my lips are sealed under any and every circumstances. Drunk, high, pushed, worried - doesn't matter. Maybe that's why people so easily seem to trust me? Don't think I've thought about that before.

I'm screwing up my sleep again. I had an instant choice to make, when I felt I was getting sleepy: caffeine or sleeping pills. Eeny meeny miny moe... and I picked the bad choice. Once again the anxiety won over me, and another 12 hours or so will pass by without sleep. I have this nagging feeling that I wanna "prove" that I'm still hypnophobic, which is so stupid I can't even believe I'm writing it here. The strongest reason though, is that I just can't bear another night fighting to fall asleep.

It's the opposite of what my psychologist advised me to do, but it's not like I have a "turn off-button" lying around somewhere. You can't just ignore a fear that powerful and crippling. It's like I'm standing at the edge of the roof of a very high building every night, looking down, and maybe you can understand what that's like. Even if you don't have a distinct fear of heights.

Cause sometimes the war in my head is killing me. Over and over in ways I didn't even think was possible. It always finds new ways, creeping in through cracks I didn't before know were there. Anxiety, or straight out uncontrollable fear, is sneaky that way, and I believe there is nothing in this world, in this realm of reality, that one cannot feel anxious about. Just that thought makes me anxious! But it's true.

Impressions

I have on and off thought about going incommunicado sometime. Just for a few days or so. I have no idea when, where or how though. Just that it would be so sweet being alone without any contact with other people, for a little while. Instead of going nuts and lashing out on everyone who don't wanna leave me alone, because they "care" or whatever.

Steal my mother's car and head off to... well, nowhere. Cause sometimes I just get so damn tired of people. They talk, they judge and they have opinions. Besides, there's only one person that I want to be with, and care to listen to, but he's not exactly around here.

I think I've come down with a slight case of a rhino virus, and if it wasn't for my smoking it would have been over in a day or two. But oh well, a little coughing, the occasional throat pain and extra snivelling doesn't bother me much.

I'm back home after my trip to the main country, and it was really nice. Way over my expectations! Yeah, I had some, pretty vague expectations. Two awesome party nights after each other, lots of booze, caffeine, nicotine and socialising. Though many nights were riddled with anxiety basically no matter what I did. There's only so much you can do with Mirtazapine, Lergigan, Imovane, Zyprexa, cutting and listening to calming music. It took about 3-5 hours to fall asleep most nights. Then I slept until late afternoon. So that was the negative part, but my sleep was bad already before my trip.

I'm so tired from the flight and such now, still I can't sleep. Maybe too much impressions to process or whatever. I may have physically left Uppsala and Stockholm behind me, but mentally it feels like I'm still there. It's hard to explain, but I think you can understand the thing about wherever you go, you leave something behind. Cause it feels like I left a part of me there, a feeling, energies or an impression of sorts.

Waking up, never stop

I'm so frigging tired, can barely keep my eyes open. Drinking coffee and smoking, curled up in warm clothes, listening to music and scrolling on tumblr. Can hardly concentrate on anything really, just the pain in my head, back and fingers. Things I don't wanna think about, things I don't wanna feel. Only got 5-6 hours sleep tonight, and I'm not sure if I'm awake yet or not. I should probably listen to faster and harder music, but I kinda don't want to. I can up the volume though.