I ended up doing a little dream interpretation online anyway, about dreaming of torture. I must say it's quite interesting what's said on the sites I came across. Especially since this is recurring, various dreams, and not a one-time-only dream. All the websites says the same thing: what terrible experience is still haunting you? Do you expect the worst, are you in a very pessimistic mood? Is there some secret you will never ever reveal?
So it's those things torturing me in my dreams. The things I've done and the things I do that I've decided to keep secret, things in my past that happened but just recently showed me their true nature. And what I want to tell and have tried to tell, but just can't, cause I'm afraid of people's reactions and keeping up the lie is so much easier. My negative view on life, always expecting the worst to happen, afraid to dream in case the dream won't come true.
It seems as though my emotional situation is quite complicated now. Well, not just today, but for several weeks to now. Maybe it's my medicine, maybe it's the hormones. Anyways, I'm acting more content and happy than I actually am. Not faking, just that my true feelings are buried underneath a layer of other, less depressing shit. I'm just barely aware of it. I thought I was actually being happier, and maybe to some extent I am. I didn't notice it at first, until I started to write. My poems are just as dark as ever, those words of pain and suffering coming out of me in rhymes and phrases in a surprisingly lively flow. Surprising me with their context and deep meaning of how I actually feel.
Maybe antidepressants and mood stabilizers are like painkillers: you take one when you're in pain and the pain gets milder when you are on the drug, but the pain is actually still there, just covered in cotton, making you less aware of it. Cause when the effect of the painkillers wear out, the pain hits you again in it's full strength. It was never really gone, just covered, hidden, pressed down. That would explain why I'm still a mess underneath the cotton layer of mood stabilizers and antidepressants, just less aware of it.
I don't necessarily find it negative, or positive, it just is a bit strange. How I discover new things all the time and I don't even know how. I get angry, but I don't act out on it that often anymore and less violently, the rage is still inside me, but something presses it down. I get sad, but I don't know why cause I only barely sense it and can't really put it in words. It's like I run away but I don't know what for. No, not like I run away, but rather being pushed away.
I suppose that could be a good thing, being a little numb after a summer of chaos, but will it solve anything? Being smart and all, I realise I will have to deal with this sooner or later, but I have no idea how. My wish is to find a good therapist that will actually want to deal with my problems, helping me understand them and process them, rather than just fix up a packet solution that "works for most people". I mean real therapy, dealing with trauma and finding a way to live with it. Cause I am traumatised. I haven't been in a war zone or grown up in a family with constant abuse, but I've had my fair share of horrible situations that still haunt me to this day.
Shrinks are always on about only talking about and dealing with the problems I have now, this day, the last week around the actual meeting. They never seem to wanna bring up old shit. Where is Sigmund Freud when I need him?
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