Stimming

Random strangers on tumblr keep sending me messages about how it's okay for me to talk to them if I want to. I do appreciate it but I don't want that. I have family, friends, my love, my shrink, the crew and so on. I'm not alone, I just feel like shit anyway. Found about post about something called "stimming" on tumblr late yesterday or sometime during the night. I've never before had a word for what I do and have done since I was very young, so it's nice to finally have one.

I knew it's common among people with asperger/autism though. And I also knew it's not a bad thing, that I do it to soothe myself or to relieve stress. It's perfectly harmless and kinda useful but sometimes it makes me feel a bit awkward about it. Like I very rarely do it in public unless my mental state is completely off the charts. Then I can't control it and it just happens automatically. It does more and more though, lately I mean.

Cause I find myself rocking myself back and forth at school or with friends or family all the more often, without me even thinking about it. And then after a while I notice and I'm like "oh..." and I don't know why for sure but I am a tad embarrassed by it. Like I just know it's not normal for an adult to sit and rock themselves for no apparent reason. I don't like getting questions about it or any kind of attention for it.

But I remember doing that at least since I was 4 or 5 years old. I've always seen it as some kind of defense mechanism, a way to cope and calm myself down. And I've found myself comparing it to the act of rocking a baby in a cradle. I don't really remember how much or often I resorted to it in my past, but lately I'm at it at least several times a day. So maybe it's not so strange it happens at school as well.

Now I just need a Swedish word/name for it so that it would be easier for me to explain it to teachers and classmates if they get worried about me because of it. In the past I've referred to it as an "asperger thing" not knowing if that's been even remotely correct or not. I just knew that often in movies or books depicting characters with asperger or autism they often do rock themselves, but I know that's not the only group of people doing that. I just knew it's apparently common in that specific group of people, and since having asperger myself, I could easily relate and understand.

Although strangely, I've often gotten the feeling that some people who've seen me in that state think I'm doing it like on purpose, as an act of some sort, that it's not genuine. Maybe that's one of the reasons I've always been trying so hard to hide it from others. Cause they assume things that are both untrue and hurtful. Also, as a fairly young child I sometimes was told to "just stop it" and that I was seeking attention in some way, by those ignorant adults that were supposed to take care of me. School teachers the first few grades and daycare staff those few years right before.

So yeah, I eventually did get embarrassed by it and thought it would be best to hide it. Actually, when I come to think about it, soon after or at the same time as I came to that realisation was when my self harm started. At around age 11 or 12. But still kept doing it in private and in secrecy, when no one saw me. And now it's like... more than ever and I'm back to doing it in public again. But I believe that now that I'm older and wiser I can more easily stand up for myself and say "yeah so what if I rock myself?" cause it's not exactly harming anyone.

And now I know more of why I do it and that there's nothing wrong with it. Sure it might bother people seeing me that way, but I could reassure them that it's actually a rather good thing and it's helpful for me. I really do think it is. Like a million times better than self harm at least. Cause they do kinda serve the same purpose, in a way. Just that stimming is much more automatic, more like a natural response than an actual act of doing something.

I know a lot of people see it as strange though, especially rocking oneself, I mean there are other forms of stimming that are usually considered a lot less strange in social situations. It does draw a lot of attention and I guess people do feel awkward about it, but I can only guess what anyone else does feel about it. And I guess it's also different for everyone too. Like, some might even understand it or do something similar themselves.

Though I haven't met that many others that do rock themselves as extensively as I do. Not even when I went to school and was in a class only for people with diagnoses, mainly autism spectrum such, but also adhd, add, tourettes and so on. I went to that school/class for 4 years between 2006 and 2010 and not a single one. I did feel embarrassed doing it there as well then because of that. I thought it was weird and silly of me to behave that way, especially when not even other people of "my kind" understood it/me.

But lately, I don't know if I care less and less what other people think about it, or if I'm just in a worse place and it happens so frequently and to such an extent that I don't even notice it half the time anymore.