Can't have both at the same time

I don't feel so good lately. My wish to leave life behind me for good combined with my eating disorder and inability to keep a decent sleep pattern is really making a mess out of me. I've become so lethargic, so exhausted and tired of everything. I just give up before I even start. Everything here seems so pointless. Everything I do, everything I can ever do. No, I don't ever plan to complete my incomplete grades. No, I don't ever want a job. No, I don't care, I just don't care anymore.

At school today, I was asked to read from a book to kill time and I did for a little moment, before I caught myself just staring out through the window until I asked myself "Why am I even here?" and moments later I walked back home again. I couldn't stay, I just feel less and less for school. It's pointless. Afraid they're gonna see through me and all my lies eventually.

That no I'm not sick when I'm at home, or just "over slept" I just didn't have a single fuck to give. It bores me more than it amuses me. And it's so hard trying to explain to the teachers there why I'm not working properly, when I have all these lies to uphold. When I don't want to change. Or become a useful member of society. I'm tired of this world and all people in it (well, almost) and I'm not abiding to them anymore. I'm done having responsibilities, done doing what others think I should. I'm done with school.

Perhaps not today, or the next week, but I'm pretty sure I will stop going there soon. Perhaps my stupid body can time it in some bloody time for me. If I crash, then that would be a good reason to skip school completely. I live in another world than my classmates, and I don't want anything to do with their world. I know that it's useless in even trying. I've got nothing to live for, I don't want to be here anymore.

Sometimes, I really hate it when strangers or acquaintances care about me. Because it gives me such awful guilt because I don't. I don't care about them or myself, or anything. It's like they put this heavy burden and expectation on me that I just cannot meet.

Let me go, let me leave... what is holding on to me, forcing me to stay? Thanks for making me feel even more awful, mother. I know it wasn't your intention, but could you try not to guilt trip me at least? I can't tell you my secrets, cause I don't want you stopping me. And it hurts hurting you but I cannot live for you. I can't live for anyone or anything.

And I spent about half an hour thinking about Dala and the magic there, until it just hurt everywhere inside of me. My homesickness tears me apart. Hiraeth, were you even real? The only things remaining are shattered memories and a sickening longing. I have nothing else to exist for, nothing else to die for. It's my last real hope. And I still have days when Dala matters more than K, apparently. When my home dimension, my heaven, matters more than the person I love the most in this world. Perhaps it's not so strange.

It's like the two are competing over who gets the best place in my heart and soul while I'm just here confused and want to yell to my entities to just fucking stop it already. What a pointless fight! You can both be there, equally much, for crying out loud! I can never have both at the same time anyway. And there's a lot of weight in that statement, isn't it? I can never have both at the same time.

Cause only as long as I'm alive I could possibly have a chance with K, and only when I'm dead I can possibly go back to Dala. And I am torn. For as much as I want to be with K, I cannot hold on much longer. My heart has been beating too fast for too long, it's far beyond just tired. Now just beating automatically, because it cannot ever give up. It holds more strength than I can fathom, and more stupidity than I grasp.

So, where was I? Yes, I can't have both Dala and K at the same time, side by side. So it really shouldn't matter which I love or miss the most. Now if my stupid heart and soul could just realise and agree on that, I would agree much better with them. It's not a fucking competition. You cannot compete with love and homesickness, you just can't.