Rip me to pieces

And I still am having trouble seeing K with his partner in any sense. Them writing to each other, posing on pictures together, actually seeing them together, anything, literally anything tears my heart to pieces all over again. I don't even know how to solve that issue. Cause I feel that problem is entirely on me and they're not doing anything wrong in any sense. I don't hate them, I hate what I feel.

And nothing goes right in my world. Definitely not when it comes to love. I want two things, to either be with him or to not exist at all. And I can't have either. I can't have anything ever, can I? Yeah, just misery, tragedy and hell all over. And I will just never give up on K, my heart and soul can't allow it. The fire is too wild and too strong, it's consuming me. I would do anything to be with him, but there's nothing that I can do. He doesn't love me back and most likely never will. Still I wait, hoping for the impossible to happen.

And I'm so tired of this. Of everything. I just want to rip my heart out of my chest cause I'm so sick of it and everything it's feeling. All of my feelings, I hate them all. It's never ending. It just goes on and on and I just... can't cope with it. Don't even want to try anymore. I don't want anything. It's been 2,5 damn years and the fire is burning me alive.

If there only was a way to make it stop. I don't want to stop loving him, I don't ever want to fall for someone else cause it would only lead to the same fucking shit again. I can't have mutual love. I know that's not what's intended for me. And if that's the case, screw life. I'm done. I don't want to live without that. I just can't. Then I'll stay in this awful state until I can find a way out. Then that's all that matters. Then dying becomes my top priority and K comes second. Maybe he already does, I don't know.

Everything is just a mess in my head and heart, half the time I don't even know what I feel and my thoughts are hard to interpret. When they're just abstract patterns and random words. When other thoughts somehow take over. I'm not constantly thinking about K, I try not to. Cause it just hurts too damn much and I can't handle my feelings. I don't want to be in this extremely hopeless situation anymore. What good does it do? It's killing me, it's killing me.

And just knowing that what's supposed to be the best feeling in the world makes me want to end my life fucks with my head like nothing ever has before. It makes me feel so awful. Like I'm hurting him by wanting to reject my feelings for him. Cause I can't stand them. Can't even live with them. Can't, just fucking can't. I'm all over the place and I don't know what to do. Living with impossible dreams that I can't live without is just destroying me.

I didn't ask for any of this. I even tried to avoid it with all I had left within me but it was impossible. I should have done more. Anything. I don't even know, I had no solution back then and I have none now. I'm just pain. Is there nothing left but pain?

I don't want to hurt anymore. All my life I've been fighting pain and I don't know if it's stupid or not, but I had the idea that maybe if I stopped fighting it would somehow get better. However, I couldn't have been more wrong. I don't have the energy to start fighting it again, but I probably would if I did. I wish feelings were dangerous, that they could literally suck the life out of me. I wish anything I could do was lethal and would kill me, but everything just seems so far out of reach and impossible and at this point I'm far more scared of living than I am of dying. I'm scared I'll survive next spring.

I can sense the panic already, like a faint scent of blood, far in the distance. I sense panic, hysteria, limitless anxiety and a hopelessness stronger than anything I've ever felt before. Please, just please don't force me to stay longer than to the spring. I can't breathe, I can't cry, I can't scream, I can't live. I'm just pain and shatter and there's nothing to hold on to. And I confuse cigarette smoke, alcohol and starvation with comfort. And I confuse loneliness with safety, anger with release and lies with security. And death with freedom.

I really don't know how to live and at this point I don't want to learn. Not anymore. Learning is just tedious, boring, stressful, causing anxiety and a pain in the ass. It's not worth a damn thing. The only thing I care to learn is how to end it all. Is suicide a solution, an escape, a permanent vacation, a way out, or a way to stop the pain? I don't know what death can possibly give me, how can I?

All I know is that I need for my life and everything I can't deal with to just stop. For my brain and everything in it to stop. It's myself I can't live with. My own damn brain. That's what I want to escape. I can't live in my own head, with my own thoughts and feelings. With my perspective and point of view. With my opinions and ideas. All of that is what I want gone. Just gone.

It's the hell that I always bring with me. The darkness, the love, and all that grey mass that I can't possibly claim to understand. That's what's making my life a living nightmare.

Now is not a good time, brain. Don't think I don't know what you're doing. Cause all of a sudden it starts giving me insane cravings for food and can I just mention how much I'd like to chop my head off right now? It's the most annoying thing I've ever had. I can't deal with this, just fucking stop! My stomach isn't even growling so it can't be real, actual hunger. But no, my brain still tells to go have a chicken salad and it's driving me insane. I can't. If I don't lose this damn weight I'm gonna hate myself so much that I won't even go to my family over Christmas. Can you even get that, brain? No, I honestly didn't think so either.

It's useless trying to talk to my own brain. I've just run out of other options. Can't have more coffee, it's gross. Can't throw away my food cause I need it tomorrow. It's crawling under my skin and my fingers twitch cause I just subconsciously want to run over to my fridge and get that damn food. I don't want it why can't I have it my way? I hate my body so much right now. So much, hate isn't a strong enough word. I scream out loud that I don't want to and for it to just stop. I don't know what the fuck to do. Just shut up!

If I put my head in the sink and deliberately breathe in water, do you think I could drown? Or just be in excruciating pain and cough endlessly for X amount of time afterwards? If I take a really deep breath of water then? Cause somehow I don't think I could take more than one breath before my body would start reflexing like crazy to save my useless life. I know why I hate my body more than I can fathom these days: because it keeps me alive.

And I scream some more cause I can't stand anything. The anger is back. Not in full strength, not yet, but I feel it coming to a point where I can't even write anymore. My eyes are heavy. Breathing is still hard, it's strained but not by much. I don't have anything more to say. Some of the anger faded, but it's not entirely gone and it could come back again. I feel it like sparks inside me, constantly igniting and going out again.

I hate everything about this day. I hate my fucking body for making me eat. I don't have any more words to describe how awful I feel right now. Nothing is enough to describe anything. The word awful isn't awful enough. And I'm a split second away from literally tearing my skin off. I scratch as hard as my nails can dig. I have food in my teeth, taste in my mouth and it's grossing me out. I'm just as close to tear my hair off, cause it keeps tickling me and I scratch and scratch and keep moving my damn hair but it falls back and I repeat the process, more furious every time.

I've had enough of just about exactly every little thing that is in any relation to my body. It is beyond what I can take. Itching, tickling, hunger, noises, the looks of it, the fat, the clumsiness, my eyes stinging and tearing, my strained breathing, my head and back hurting, the coughing, all the thoughts and feelings, everything! Fucking everything and there's not enough space or time in my whole damn existence to list it all.

Hatred, anger, disgust is all I feel and it's taking over me. Drowning me, leaving me gasping. And there's literally nothing I can do about anything. Everything is just so damn hopeless and I've given up on it all. The anger is now in full strength and I can't stop screaming at my own body. I can not escape it. Am I pathetic, am I really this pathetic? I literally can't stand a single cell of my own body, and it just gets worse by the day, by the minute.

The anger is tearing me to pieces. The hatred never stops. I have blood and skin cells under my finger nails. I've forgotten how to feel anything else. The storm is twisting inside me and it's never ending. I want to tear my face apart. I am already doing it, piece by piece until it's red and swollen and hurting everywhere. I don't even know what's itching so fucking much. And I'll continue until I can't feel my face anymore.

I have no self control, I'm raging mad. Eating doesn't help with the anger, it's making it worse. Cause that's the emotional aspect of my eating disorder and it's devouring me.