Y, I know I haven't written to you in a while and I haven't really known what to say, but I just want you to know that you're still in my thoughts and I think about you quite a lot. Not always I can form those thoughts into actual words though, but know I'm still here. Mostly I think about what you might think or feel, what you're going through right now and how you're coping. Generally or more specifically, it varies.
I did feel relieved when you wrote that you'd like to see more of my emotional side, as I still sometimes can't get out of that toxic thought that I'm actually just a bother. I know I am not, but the thought itself is harder to get rid of than that, for some reason. Letting myself go and letting you in is indeed a process (that I really want, maybe I should add) and sometimes I'm doing that more carefully than I perhaps need to.
I know you're very much not exactly a stranger anymore but even with my closest friends I tend to be that way at least a little bit and on some days. I really do know that you want to know all of me, and I want to know you that way too. I'm not afraid of letting you in on any aspect of me, but it's like... I don't know, it's hard to explain. Maybe the best way I can possibly explain is that it's simply something that I'm not used to. Being wanted even with my darkness. And I feel as though, it's something one shouldn't even get used to. (Adding this as I edit the text:) I guess the one thing that holds me back is that I hurt you before and I don't want that happening again.
But yeah, just here to let you know that I'm still here and that you're still in my heart and mind, even though I've been silent for a few days now. I know even you might need some reassurance and calming from time to time. So I'm just here writing this text freely, directly from how I'm feeling and thinking right now. I hope you're doing as well as you can, considering all the circumstances, and I'll keep you in my heart and mind even when I don't directly write to you.
And also, thank you for watching over me in my sleep, I think it might even work, sometimes at least. I do feel safer knowing I'm in good company, even if it is in spirit. I have slept better for a few night in a row now, I hope it continues that way, but I try to not let it affect me way too much when or if it gets bad again. My mind has a lot to process and all my subconscious can really do is giving me strange dreams and nightmares. It doesn't know how else to cope. And my body is under a lot of stress making it even harder to get good sleep. But I also know that worrying about it hardly helps.
Okay I'm probably never gonna stop writing this text I just realise, maybe I did have a lot to say after all? I'm not sure exactly how that works, to be honest. Like nah I don't even know what to say for a week and then I write half a book to you all of a sudden. But I guess you're not so surprised by that happening at this point, and I do hope it's not bothering you that I work that way, as it doesn't seem to be something I can really do anything about. Although I try to not let too much time pass between messages.
That's for a lot of reasons, for your sake and my own. One is that I don't want you to think that I have abandoned you again cause I really haven't, I just don't always have words. Another is that I really do want to write to you no matter if I have positive, negative or uncategorisable things to say. Not sure if that was a real word, by the way. Okay I'm starting to get drunk already, even though I've only had one glass so far. But not eating always lets me get drunk much faster.
I feel it's easier for me to reach out that way, but I wish it wasn't like that. I do wish I could reach out to you just as easily, that my words would flow just as easily, when I'm entirely sober. I guess, in some way, that's one of the reasons I do drink as much as I do. Don't get me wrong, not because of you at all, but because socialising in any way has always been a bit difficult for me, with literally everyone I've ever known in any way. Perhaps the bullying scarred me that way, perhaps it's my asperger, perhaps I shouldn't blame it on anything. It's just way it is, it might change, it might not. But I've worked on that still somewhat persistent shyness at least since I was 15 years old. I really have, but it's a very long process, I've come to realise.
But fact remains, I can more easily reach those half hidden corners of my mind when I drink, I feel as though I get more like myself then. More me, in literally every sense. I don't know if you would ever agree, and it's totally okay if you don't. Your opinion is just as valuable either way. I want you to know that, that your opinion is always just as valuable to me whether it goes with or against my own beliefs. You might already know that, but I still feel like it's an important thing for me to tell you.
This might become a lot of words and me mostly rambling, but I do feel like it's also important for me to say all of this, even if not everything is important on a very large scale. That even the things I perceive as little do have at least some kind of value. For you, and for both of us. I do realise more and more the importance of communication even though I've oddly enough literally been raised to think like that. That communication, any kind of it, is very important. Still I sometimes seem to forget that. That's one of the things I really love my parents for teaching me as I grew up.
But yeah, I just suddenly feel like I have so much to say before even knowing it. I don't know if that even makes any sense? And do, absolutely, feel free to ask me if anything I say is not easy to understand, I do know my mind might work in strange ways sometimes. I know you understand me better than most people, but I also am aware that you might not understand exactly everything, and I really don't mind getting questions. I'm just awfully uncomfortable asking questions myself for some reason I don't understand. It's one of all those things I need to work on, but I actually do feel like I'm getting all the more comfortable asking you questions, so maybe I'm already working on it? I don't know.
Yeah okay, I was just gonna tell you that I haven't forgotten about or abandoned you, and it turned into all of this text. I am really not sure where my mind is at right now, or how I suddenly had so much to say. It's like it almost came out of nowhere, and at the same time from everywhere inside me. Like it all was piled up somewhere and I just found it. If I sound confused, it's because I am. But I believe it's okay for me to be that way. We all get confused, don't we?
I also just want to let you know that I'm not afraid of letting you in, I don't fear it. I might hesitate, but when I do it's for other reasons. I'm not exactly sure what those other reasons actually would be, but I will tell you as soon as I know. Maybe I'm just not sure where to place my feet on the road, you know? Like I know there's no danger but still I feel insecure somehow. I'm not really holding back, as you might have noticed that I don't so much anymore, I'm just really confused about how to explain some things. Things I'm hardly aware of myself.
I know they're there, as I'm aware of almost everything that goes on in inside me at least on some level, but so much of it still remain as riddles. I know you know I still have a lot to figure out. And I want to let you in more and more on my journey, as well as I carefully ask to join in on your journey as well. Maybe not on everything at once, but perhaps little by little? It's a very careful request and you are very much allowed to decline. Only tell me what you're comfortable with. I don't want to push you into anything as much as I'm sure you don't want to push me either. I know neither of us work that way.
Yes the wall will crumble, I might have been wanting to rush that but now I know for sure that it is not something to rush. It needs to take its time and every little step on the way is just as important. I think I know that now. Sometimes it takes a while for me to really... you know, actually get things. I might seem more impatient than I actually am sometimes, but I know that somewhere deep inside I can actually be very patient. I just sometimes need more time to realise things. I might still not fully understand them, but I'm thinking I will in due time.
And I won't stop writing this text before I know I've said all I feel the need to say. I won't pressure you to read it all, but you know that. Sometimes I still do get the feeling that I might write way too much and also kinda too seldom, but I think that's just me having trouble sometimes to read large texts. Like I'm applying that trouble to you somehow, even though I know I probably shouldn't. Oh my god my leg hurts sooo much right now... I've been sitting on it for probably an hour.
Anyhow, I feel my words are starting to come to an end now, and I'll try to write to you a bit more often, but I can't promise anything and you know I really try to not make promises I'm not certain that I can keep. One of my few "better" morals or so I guess, in lack of better words. I'm always around the corner however, and also just want to add that I recently found my web camera that's been lost for a bunch of weeks. Just thought it could be good for you to know that I have it again, just in case of anything. Not saying we should jump into that immediately just like that though, only saying that that option now actually even is an actual option.
And more things I'd like to add, is that I'm there with you in spirit as well, wherever you are and whatever you do right now. Or any minute from now. I would say this in a sober state as well as it's been on my mind for a few days at least now, if not more, to tell you that, I just didn't know even remotely how to phrase it.
And maybe you don't know this, but I'm really not one of those people who gets overly everything when drunk and then regrets it and blames it on the booze. On the contrary, the complete opposite, I thank the booze for helping me with the words I so needed when I was sober but couldn't reach. I don't think I've ever blamed anything I've ever said while drunk on the booze. I just don't work that way, and I just suddenly got the feeling that I've never told you this and it could even be terribly important. So there's that, and whenever you get the time to read this (might take while, I realise, but I hope it's gonna be worth that time, I just never know for sure) I hope you're doing as well as you can and that you can find strength to go through all you need to go through. Doing the best I can, I try to watch over you as well, in sleep or wakefulness.
With all my sincerest regards, John.
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