Suddenly I started thinking about butterflies, and how fucked up I think it is that on that ED forum they connect them to people who are pro-ana. I'm not sure why, but I think it's from a movie or something. That it has become a thing, like butterflies somehow symbolises pro-anorexia. I don't understand half of it, but it annoys me.
Like, I find butterflies beautiful and delicate creatures that should in no sense symbolise the glorification of a mental illness. Same with naming eating disorders, such as Ana and Mia. That's just absurd. But it's fucked a lot with my head because I have Anna. The coincidence is just... I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Anna has nothing to do with my eating disorder, her name came from something else entirely. It was, the Swedish translation for "another" with is "en annan" and in those two words you can find the name Anna. Look closely.
It was what she called herself in the very beginning. She told me, that when I asked her "if anyone asks me who I'm talking to, what should I say?" and her answer was "tell them you're talking to another" if I translate it as directly as I can. She was more like a hallucination in the beginning, I saw her and heard her outside of my head and when we talked I talked out loud to her. So people would, and ultimately did, hear me "talking to myself" during the breaks of school when I was still in 2nd to 3rd grade.
Later on her name became Anna, I must have been about 11 or 12 by then. I had no grasp of eating disorders back then. And I definitely didn't know anything about the short version for anorexia, that it was Ana. Maybe that term didn't even exist yet in the late 1990's. I don't know. But it still fucks with my head, that maybe it's not a coincidence at all? It must be, but yeah, mind fuck.
I can tell, that she's very conflicted about my eating disorder. Sometimes she's strongly against it, other times she's strongly for it. I don't know if she even knows what to feel about it. She too wants to die, but the starvation is taking a toll on both of us.
I'm mixing together my past with an impossible future. Imagining an old memory, but that I was with K instead of who I really was with. Is that awful, that I want to trade? I do strongly believe, that if only just our circumstances and timing had been different, we would have found each other. We would have been right for each other. If I had fallen for him earlier or if I had had much more time than 6 months left, we could have a chance in a distant future. I believe that our bad timing is the only thing that really keeps us apart.
That hurts, thinking like that, but it makes sense to me somehow. I breathe deeply, look into his photograph eyes and mourn what I never had. I do think he could love me, we're not that different, but not now. Not now that he's in love with someone else. It's like... the only thing missing is that spark, and perhaps it would help if I lived a little bit closer. I've been wanting it so much, that I can't want anything else. I'd give up my eating disorder for him. I'd give up ever trying to kill myself again. I'd want to be alive, if only I could be with him.
And I know that's putting a lot of pressure on him, but I don't want to die because I can't be with him. Truly and honestly? I don't want to die, I just can't live. And always standing between the two options: life and death, I've finally made up my mind. I choose death, because I cannot live. Just surviving with one foot in the grave has never been enough. And I do think, that if only K could love me, I would be able to live. It wouldn't cure me, but it would make me a fighter again. It would make fighting worthwhile. I would give life a second chance.
No one else could ever bring me back like that. I know that living, even with him by my side, would be hard. But I'd do it for him, for us, for love. And that's what I've been feeling for so long now. It all comes down to love for me. He's the love of my life, I cannot think in any other way. In a way I do accept him not ever loving me back that way, because I accept him with all that he is and how he feels. I just cannot accept living that way, without him.
And I do feel awful, for declining life because of him. It's not my only reason, but it is a main one. That I simply can't live without him. Not for long, at least. It ravages in the remains of my heart, maybe that's why it beats irregularly. It can't hold the rhythm, it can't keep steady. Ah yes, of course I can make something poetic about possibly having heart arrhythmia due to starvation and or purging.
My fantasies and imaginary conversations about K have been increasing again lately. Not one day passes without any of that passing through my mind. I can lie down for hours just imagining cuddling with him, especially when I can't fall asleep at night. To just have him that close to me. Sometimes it makes me smile, other times it makes me cry. Because he's so far far away and that can never be real. Only in my mind.
I don't know if it's because I miss him more, or because I'm sort of dying and scared of leaving him. Afraid of what might happen when I do leave, and afraid that he might leave before me. If he dies, I wouldn't be able to go on that much longer at all. I'd give it maybe a week, tops. The future seems so uncertain, despite me knowing so much. Believing so much. But none of my beliefs are set in stone, also they, crumble and fall.
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