Just half a day

(Brace yourselves, cause this might be my longest entry ever)

Woke up an hour ago, around 4:00 in the morning. So slept for nearly 14 hours on the complete wrong side of the day. Ew, that sugar free lemonade with vodka in. It's cringe worthy. Oh well, I take what I can get. I'm completely out of coke, so yeah. And the stores are very closed, so can't buy more for at least 2,5 more hours or so. I did well, food wise yesterday, only had one meal and then no b/p at all.

If I don't die this spring/summer, I do have some plans, at least regarding my hair, haha. Like, I want to do a permanent, when it's a little more than shoulder length to make it curly and then bleach the hell out of it. Blonde long curls is something I've never had and kinda secretly always wanted. I know it's not very goth, but then I've never really claimed to be goth either. I take what I like from a lot of different styles, always have.

Then I'd also like to move back to Uppsala someday and just start my life over there. Perhaps try to be more independent somehow. Then I don't really know. They're just sort of back-up plans, if all else fails. I found another lighter in the mess on my desk, thank the gods my weekend is saved. And somehow I'm trying to like my body the way it is, at least some parts of it. I'm roughly at a BMI of 20 and right now I'm just glad that I can still see the bones in my hands.

I really do have a rather sick fascination for bones, and that would be my own bones to like 99% or so. Skeleton prints on clothes and skulls making up for the remaining 1% I think. I still want to be just skin and bones, but if I'd die at this weight I don't think I'd be bummed. More like relieved to die at all. But here I am, alive and... obviously not well, but yeah, I'm alive. So I'm trying to lose weight cause it's literally the only goal/somewhat-dream I have these days.

To become as thin as possible. I've sort of maintained this disgusting weight for roughly two weeks now and hoping I can finally get back on track now. I had a net calories of 497 the day before yesterday and only 373 yesterday. I'm doing good. Gonna try to just stick to under 500 for about a week before I try fasting again. So that would be by the next weekend. And I still haven't checked my weight.

I keep thinking "no I'll do it tomorrow" and then I forget it. Cause as soon as I start eating or drinking it's too damn late cause I have food and water weight in me. Okay I just had a lot to pee so I did just weighed myself and I am not disappointed. Not much, at least. I have not gained, I haven't lost either, as the scale showed me 56,1 kg. Those annoying 50's, will I ever cross the line down to the 40's? And it just strikes me as odd that literally no one has asked me what I weigh in the last 8 or 9 months.

I am not ashamed of my weight, I would have no problem telling someone who asks me, no matter who they are. But yeah, so I have about 5-6 kg to lose to get to my next goal weight. 50 or 51 kg. That would make me undeniably underweight but not by much, as 52 is still the weight I'd have to be to be considered medically underweight. 52,1 and I am not. Nope it has to be 52,0 or less. I have made up my mind, eons ago, I will get to below that weight. I will, one way or another.

And someone made a post on the ED forum a while ago about how the body processes alcohol differently than other calories, as it goes basically straight to the liver compared to food or non-alcoholic drinks. It sparked my interest as I thought they might be right on one point or another. They said "have you ever seen an overweight drunk?" and I was like yeah but not that many. It just got me thinking, that's all.

That maybe my 400 calories of alcohol extra in a day doesn't really make me gain that much weight. And also keeping it to the weekends might help too. Cause like, having extra calories a couple of days a week is not gonna make me gain. I still stay below my BMR. During these past two or so weeks I did let go but not entirely, I've had maybe around 1000 cals a day instead of my usual 500. It's close to my BMR but not above it, which means I couldn't have gained and I didn't.

I maintained. The 7th November was the last time I weighed and it was on 55,8 kg. Those 300 grams could easily just be daily fluctuations. I think I'm looking at everything more realistically this time around, I don't get stressed up over a couple of weeks of more calories as I was sure it wouldn't make me gain, but I was stressed up because it wouldn't make me lose. Because I lost nearly all control.

5th glass of this disgusting drink. It's now 7:52 and the store opens soon. I really need to buy toilet paper and salt. Going shopping while drunk, is that really such a good idea? I don't know, don't think I care much. Might have stopped drinking by then too, I don't know.

8:00 and the gates are open for more soda and other necessities. I'll have some coffee to sober up a bit before I go. Okay I'm back and it's now 10:00 am.

"We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the morning light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where love is more than just your name" is from "Anywhere" by Evanescence and I think about running away somewhere with K. As if that could ever actually happen in any way. Sometimes I think of it literally, other times it's more figuratively. Sometimes it's a road trip that never ends, other times it's suicide.

I don't know why I keep so many imaginary scenarios in my mind about ending my life together with him. They just tear me up so badly, I don't want him to die. But maybe, just maybe, and I'm scared to say this, but maybe I'd want some company on my way to the other side. If that's not awful I don't know what possibly could be.

I'm too sober for my thoughts. And right now and for the past hour I've been stuck in an imaginary car ride with him. It's summer or late spring and he's driving and I stick my hand out the window on the passenger seat next to him. We're laughing but sad at the same time. Listening to some random good music on the cd-player and smoking cigarettes. I don't know where we're heading but it seems to be a long ride. Through cities but mostly it's through country roads. Not much traffic but there's some.

I've never driven a car in reality, but I know that I will someday. Just to know what it's like. I've always been the passenger. I don't think I'll ever get a driver's license, cause money being an issue, but I think I'll still drive a car at just one point in my life. If I'll do that in secrecy, or be let by someone else, I don't know. I'd have to befriend someone who's had a driver's license for at least 20 years and get close enough for them to be my instructor if I'm ever gonna, the legal way. My parents still won't let me. I do have such friends though, but they live pretty far away and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't want me and my mental illnesses on their conscience if anything goes wrong.

I'm kinda planning on one day stealing my mother's car and take a private ride in it. It would likely devastate her but also teach her a fucking lesson. I tried to tell her, I tried to warn her, I really did. I literally said "I'm gonna drive a car before I die whether I have a license or not" so yeah, she has it coming. I think she took me seriously but I'm not entirely sure that she did.

I would take her car rather than my father's cause he has to have that car every single morning to get to work and I don't want to be responsible for him not getting to work. Cause I'd most likely damage whichever car I'll take and my mother who is retired could do alright without a car for a few days or so. So both my parents would be undoubtedly pissed at me for months or years or the rest of my entire life but I really don't give a fuck.

I think it's their own fucking fault for not letting me get a driver's license. I'm more or less their responsibility and yeah, they can suit themselves. I'd try to not drive like a maniac though, try to learn about which pedal is which at least and see if I could get those damn gears right. I have some knowledge but it's not much. I'd likely drive for a few minutes if I can even get the damn engine starting and then crash somewhere. I'd probably kill the car more than I'd be a danger to myself or other drivers in traffic. I'd try to stay away from most traffic and since this is in fact an island with only one city, I think I could at least manage that.

I think about that sometimes, about how much I'd like to drive a car, being in complete control for a moment. I'll smoke in the car (my mother's really gonna hate me for that) but I wouldn't drink or take any drugs or anything like that. If I'd run into a cop which wouldn't be very likely they could charge me for driving without a license but not more than that. Trying to keep that cost down too, haha.

Yeah I think about that sometimes, but right now, stuck on my mind is the image of K driving me somewhere far far away. I have no idea where to, or if we'll ever get there. But I feel so much safety in that image, like I'm so very safe with him no matter where he takes me. I wonder how safe he ever feels with me, in various situations and regardless of situation. And I ask him in my mind, where are we going? He says he doesn't know, where would I want to go? Anywhere, I say, far far away. He smiles and looks at me for a second, then back at the road. I smoke and take a drag as I smile at him.

And I speak my lines out loud, cause no one's around to hear me, except from Anna of course. She's minding her own business elsewhere. I constantly feel her presence but she's not constantly intervening. I imagine my image of her, that she's inspecting her nails or just stare out in front of her with various sighs and a distant mind. I don't see her as that image in actuality anymore, I haven't since I was 12 or 13 years old, but I still imagine her looking that way.

As that mid-teenage girl with a boyish frame, wearing a tattered brown dress almost too tattered to hold together as one piece. She's barefoot and has shoulder length brown/mousy hair with no fringe. She's pale, caucasian and her blue eyes are deep set. I've tried to draw that image many, many times but I can never get it right. She looks a lot like me, if I hadn't been on hormones and if I had had my sister's body shape. Back ten or so years ago. She does look a bit like a mix between a feminine me and my sister.

Or at least that's how I imagined her since I was 9-10 years old. I saw a ghost, at that age, in the kitchen an early night in the haunted house where I grew up. I was surprised but not scared. The person I saw looked exactly like that, a faded image moving about a foot or 30 cm from the floor. I later applied that image to Anna somehow. I wonder who she was, if she had lived in that house too, many years ago. That house was old, built 1915 and it did have quite a few ghosts haunting the place. I can't believe it's 100 years old this year... I remember sort of celebrating its 90th birthday/anniversary, back in 2005, but it was like the rest of my family couldn't care less.

Maybe I was the only one, and I don't doubt that I was, the only one who saw the ghosts and felt them shivering through the nights. Who heard them walking down that creaky stair case, who even tried to contact them. Maybe I was just crazy, or more attuned as a child than I became as an adult. Cause those were the early years, back in the 1990's when I was too young to really know what was real and what was just my mind playing tricks on me. But that was the only ghost I know for sure that I saw. I saw her twice actually, she seemed friendly but very shy. Then everything happened and I did go crazy.

Cause I don't think I was attuned with the ghost world anymore when Anna came along. I had a ghost of my own since then. I was never afraid of the weird, ghostly things that went on in that house. Sometimes when I got the impression they were trying to scare me I would just sigh and tell them that they didn't need to be afraid of me, I was just going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I knew they couldn't harm me.

Yeah, I do miss that house so much. I lived there for 18 years (1991-2009). The rest of my family doesn't miss it at all. I don't even know why, but I think, that to me it contained magic I couldn't explain, while to them it was just a really shitty, old house one could barely even live in. It did have a lot of problems. The drains, the wells, the constant power outages during the ice cold winters. It was badly isolated and the winters were nightmares. There was a constant leak in the bathroom roof for years. The whole bathroom section was badly built sometime during the 1970's or so and it was just a complete nightmare for my parents who had to somehow make the place livable in.

I'm full of old stories today. Half drunk, half really alive, half dead. That's three halves, what does that make of me? And I'm still imagining that car ride with K, it comforts me somehow. I found another soda, fanta zero (no sugar) with orange taste. I'm not too found of oranges but as long as they're this sweet it's alright. And I needed a break from the diet coke. They don't have much sugar free alternatives when it comes to soda here in Sweden, I haven't found much at least.

I'm listening to the old songs of Evanescence, before their debut. I like those the best, mainly. They have this fevery, softly sad sound. Amy Lee sings "I want to go back to believing in everything and knowing nothing at all" and I think about my childhood. Those years will never be lost, because I remember them so vividly still. 20 or more years later, I still remember them so clearly. My long term memory really is rather good, but my short term memory really isn't. You gain some, you lose some.

I wouldn't want to have it the other way around. I live in the past, I always have. Looking back at what once was but what is no more, it gives me every single emotion I could ever have. Looking into the future only hurts, my present time feels so empty. I'm just a shadow, the shatter of a person. I never did become whole, instead I split up more and more until I just gave up and let the last remaining pieces scatter in the wind.

I do mourn who I wanted to become but never could. I mourn my childhood dreams that turned out impossible. I never want to dream again. I'm through going through the shattering of dreams. I'd rather believe this is the best that could ever be. This tragedy, this misery, to be the best that could ever happen to me. That 2014 was the best year of my life, with K single and my hopes high up in the sky. With hormones and mastectomy some of my dreams really did come true. But not the right one.

I always see love, mutual love, as the ultimate dream, and now... locking my heart, giving it solely to K, I know I can never have that mutual love. But still, fucking still, I think it's possible things can change. If given the right time, the right moment, I don't know, but it's possible, that I could one day... I don't know. I only want K right now, but things always change, don't they?

I don't want to let go of him. I just can not. He's in my soul, keeping it together. Maybe wherever we're heading, no one knows, but I'll hold on for him, for as long as I can. It's the only thing I can live for, and yes, I'm clutching at straws. Cause apparently something or someone wants me here so I've gotta find something to hold on to. And I can't find anything else. I live for you, K, for as long as I have to.

And suddenly I think about my best friend. I don't even know how she knows but I must have told her. Some things you just don't tell people. Anyone, unless you're given the permission to do so, and I wasn't given it. Somehow she still knows. I don't even remember. I don't want to think about it. One of my greatest mistakes ever. And then I did it again, and again. I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with me.

Daytime is not my favourite time, even though I'm drunk. I still want more vodka but didn't buy any more today. Thinking I can't afford it. I have to cave in, to my poverty and be decent. I just miss K so endlessly much.

Suddenly my computer made this strange sound like a message of some sort and I check my skype, my tumblr and my facebook before remembering the ED forum, where someone randomly messaged me on chat. So we talked a bit and then they just disappeared?! I don't think I said anything wrong. But people are so sensitive there, like oh my fucking god. I'm always being super careful but still manage to step on some people's nerves, like what the fuck.

I just wanted it to be K or Y, I don't know. No, neither of them are at the ED forum as far as I know but if it had been on any of the other websites it could have been one of them. And now it just bothers me that that person just messages me to complain and then they just disappeared. Like I was trying to help you?! Excuse me for being a petty human being with no super powers?! What did you expect? I might buy more vodka, this won't hold...

I only have enough for about one more glass, how can I survive today on just that little? I can't, I simply can't. Aaalright... some fucktard called me just now on my phone, talking in some weird accented English about me having computer problems and eventually I was just... nope, you're not getting my number, and no I haven't called, and he just kept rambling on until I said "I'm hanging up on you now, I'm hanging up on you right now" cause bloody hell. He said he was from London and I was just completely stunned and like what the fuck? He tried to get my number and I was like if this is some sort of scam... I'd hate myself for giving into that shit. I've never had a more weird phone call in my entire life.

Like why would some computer geek call me from London to scam me off of my telephone number? I really don't know what the fuck was going on and I'm not too keen to find out either. I just really told him I'm not telling you any personal information and this is not going in any direction I'm comfortable with. I really did hang up on him mid sentence, that was just... awkward, is the only word I have to describe it. Now I can't get it out of  my head though. I think I'll buy more vodka in about 10 minutes, really can't fucking handle this day...

Phew, no problems at the liquor store. I know they don't sell booze to drunk people. But I'm drunk and I still got my vodka. Ran into another former classmate on the way and we talked a bit. So far, today has just been so god damn weird I don't even know where to begin. And it's barely even started. I'm having my 6th drink in 8 hours right now. And it's gonna be more, so much more...

Or I'll just fall asleep, I can't know for sure. Suddenly I spelled sure wrong and it got me thinking about K's first cat. I love that little creature, I really do. And not just because it's K's pet but because it really is just adorable and because I love cats in general. I've seen that cat a few times in real life, and it really is a very cute cat. Somehow it reminds me of K, that they're not so unalike somehow. Is that weird? I've been around cats all my life, I should know that species better than most people.

And if I ever move to Uppsala I'll make sure I get an apartment where pets are allowed so that I can get a cat or two. That would also be sort of a dream but not entirely, cause I don't dream anymore. But I do love cats and I'm just waiting to get away from my parents so that I can get one or two without them interfering. It would be neat if I can have a balcony, so that I could smoke there and not indoors for the sake of those cats. Yes, I'd stop smoking indoors if I ever get pets, for their sake. I'm just considerate that way.

Haha, I can just imagine my mother going crazy when telling her I've gotten myself a cat. Like oh my god what were you thinking?! Like haha, none of your fucking business, mom, I'm an adult and I get cats, dogs or freaking horses if I want to. Those would be the sort of animals I'm actually familiar with. And to some degree rats and guinea pigs too, but that's only cause my best friend had/has them.

I've never fed or taken care of those though. I really do think I could take care of cats though. I know what to do if anything goes wrong, I know what to feed them, roughly how much and all that stuff. Then they're pretty low maintenance too. But I'll most likely live in an apartment so they'd be indoors cats but I'd take them/it out for walks too. I have it all planned out.

My phone just shut down for no reason. It's dying. Hurry up and save K's number and Y's just to make sure I still have them, by writing them down in my paper phone book. There I have most of my numbers saved, just in case. I don't want to lose those numbers for the world. I mean, my cell phones die all the freaking time, and numbers get lost for some reason. I can't have that happening again.

Getting more drunk now, is it already getting dark? It's 14:30 for god's sake, why? I'm so hungry again already. Trying to fight the hunger with booze and cigarettes and never ending thoughts. And somehow I can't stop thinking... no I can't say it here or anywhere, but it's been on my mind for weeks now and I just can't let go. Do I really mean it? Is it a thought or a feeling? How sincere? I'm thinking out of line about something I might do. Don't know if I ever will and it would require some planning to say the least. It would require a lot of planning, money and god knows what. But would I?

I'm thinking it's not too far out of reach. Maybe that other person in my mind wouldn't even allow me to, but oh I think they would. I'm changing and I don't even know what into. Could I love them both? Is that's what's happening to me? Don't know if I could stand that sort of chaos again, but I know what my complicated heart is capable of. It's happened before. So it's not completely foreign to me, just... undeniably complicated.

I just stared into the fridge, grunting "I'm not hungry" while completely being so. Instead I filled up a 7th glass of vodka-fanta and went to the bathroom. Not with the drink, I left it on the kitchen worktop then took it from there to my desk after I was done. I'm only bringing my drink with me to the bathroom if I'm at a night club and don't have anyone guarding it for me. Oh heavens it was ages ago I went to a night club. I miss it so much. Hopefully I'll travel this spring and I do have more than just one place in mind.

Don't want to say too much but yeah, maybe you'll figure it out. And I wouldn't be able to just go wherever the fuck I want, it takes it a bit more than that. Oh my god, someone made a thread on the ED forum with the title "Can you have unremembered trauma?" but in capitals and I could just closed my eyes hard and said to myself, that yes, I think I even caused someone that. Thanks for that utterly painful reminder, and I know I shouldn't even be the one to feel like utter shit but I do. I'm the offender and I do feel like shit for what I did.

And I think I could never tell you over chat, Y, exactly which people I've hurt. If you do truly, truly want to know, I'd have to tell you in person, or at least over webcam. With actually spoken words, not written. I know this is not the time nor the place to bring that up, but it's just been on my mind for a while and if you do read this, that's how I'm thinking/feeling about it. I would tell you, yes, I'm not afraid, but I do want to choose my media, if at all possible. I might say something like alright, let me breathe, take a few sips of my drink and breathe some more and then I'd be ready. You should know it's a secret I've kept from the entire world for over 17 years.

But at the same time I'm aching for someone trustworthy enough to know, and I know that you're trustworthy enough. I know more than that. It's like, it would either be you or K that I'd ever tell, possibly both of you even. I would only tell K if I was certain that he could handle such a thing. I can't know if he'd ever be. It's immense, it's just... I'm lacking words to describe it. It's beyond awful. I would have been put in children's prison or whatever they have here in Sweden for it, if anyone had ever found out. But then me, having been biologically female could possibly have spared me from that, I don't know.

I honestly don't know that much about it, but it never did rise to the surface. For 17 years and more, everyone kept quiet about. Only me and the person I hurt knows about it, or in fact I think I'm the only one who remembers it. And it kills my soul, as often as it possibly can. How can I move on? I don't know if I ever can, and maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should burn in hell for what I did, any hell worse than this. But then I suddenly thought of something, a quote from somewhere, I don't remember it exactly, but it read something like "why should I be judged by the worst thing I've ever done?"

And it just gets me thinking in every possible way, why should I get judged by the worst thing I've ever done? I've done so much good too. I've literally saved people's lives, I've gotten others through the hardest of nights, stayed up talking for hours when I've just wanted to sleep, but more so to just to help that person and I've done it over and over again. I'm not rotten to the core for that one thing, and not for that second thing either. Yes, I do think of it as the second thing, cause that was not an actual person that I hurt, it was second and it came and comes second in most aspects.

I can't stop thinking about it. How it doesn't keep me up at night but gives me nightmares instead, never ending nightmares for something I cannot ever process without risking going into prison and disrupting my entire family. They just cannot ever know. Believe me, it's that bad, and they should be the last to ever know. My parents would never look at me again. I just know, they would punish me the hardest, and oh how I deserve it. At first though, I don't even think they'd believe me, but yeah, eventually they would. It's simply something I could never live with. I couldn't even be dead with it.

So no, I would never let them know, not even in a suicide letter. For heaven's sake no, definitely not. I could never leave such a burden with them. But I'd like to somehow, reach out to the person I hurt without telling them exactly what I did. I wouldn't want to re-awake that memory if ever possible, but I'd like to tell them that I'm sorry if they do remember, or something like that. I haven't fully figured that out yet. Maybe I'd even ask for your input someday, Y, when I do tell you. Cause you'd literally be the only one I could ever ask for input then. And no matter what you would possibly say, I'd take that advice. Not only cause you'd be my only input, but because I do respect your opinions and thoughts so highly, you don't even know half of it.

Starting my 8th drink, I need it so fucking much. I can't walk straight by now and it's getting harder to write. I have to spell check it much more cause I keep missing keys or not pressing them down hard enough. Just had another meal, a third chicken salad for today and I know I should purge it but I don't want to. Haven't decided yet what I should do. I'm just eating too damn much. What difference does it even make? I'll maintain on anything between 1 and 1000 calories in food. As soon as I eat anything I'm screwed.

Oh, screwing, that was a while ago. Spring 2013 to be more exact. I think it was April 7th but I could be mistaken. It was in April at least, that much I know. Could an asexual miss sex? I don't know if I do, but on some level, yes I do. I'm not uncomfortable telling you that though. I'm still a human being, and an adult at that. I'm perfectly allowed to want something intimate every once in a while. Don't know if I'll go out of my ways again, and find a random stranger online, or go for someone a tad more safe. I know there are people who'd want me, but would I want them? That is indeed a good question.

Oh, my god I'm so drunk right now... not sure what actually happened between my 7th and 8th drink, but my world is fairly distorted by now. I need a break.