I feel so trapped, I just want to be free and in control. Oh, summers of 2004 and 2005, why did you have to leave? I miss you with razors in my throat. And I know I put a pink shimmer over them, wanting to only remember the good things. But I do remember the bad things too. The loneliness out there in the country woods, the anxiety, the depression, slowly falling apart and losing my childhood. I wanted to grow up, just not that way. Not into a darkness that would never pass, only get worse the older I got.
What have I even done with those past 10-12 years of my life? So much misery... I never did become the person I wanted to be, he was far out of reach, without disabilities, living a decent and simple life. I never wanted much for my future as a teen. When I had let go of my childhood dream to be a royal again, I settled perfectly well with a much more simple and more easily obtained future.
I wanted a big and bright house, a partner of any gender who would love me and whom I would love back, lots of cats, having some kind of artistic profession. A garden full of roses. I would have a driver's license and my own car, a black city jeep. I would be a heavy smoker, have lots of tattoos and piercings. And the only thing I got was the damn cigarettes.
So why dream, if it can never come true? I still sometimes think about that dream, and where I would place it. Outside of Uppsala, Stockholm, or somewhere in England. Nah, it should probably be here in Sweden somewhere, to be closer to my friends. And I imagine a lean, masculine, heavily tattoed me with long hair lying on his stomach in an art room with a drawing or a painting. In another room would K be, fixing with an art project of his own, or just relaxing somewhere. His cats would be there and I would have some too.
It's a bright and warm summer day and there's so much light, happiness, content and love. My dreams are so useless, they can't even make me smile even for a split second. They just ravage me, taunt me and haunt me. Why dream if I can't ever have it in reality? Why dream at all? It's useless, but I still hold on to that teenage dream, just that I later on also threw in K there. The dream just wouldn't be a dream without him.
It fills me with such heavy emptiness, just thinking about it. Pounding and echoing inside of me. It taunts me so much. It doesn't matter how good I have it here, it can't ever be enough. I need, fucking need, to be rid of my asperger and be able to be 100% independent for that dream to work. It can never come true. And I don't want anything else, I just don't want anything if I can't have that. K as my partner, the body I want, the home I want, the pets I want, the profession I want. What else is there in life as an adult?
I'm as free as I can be right now. I'll never learn how to stand on my own two feet, cause you know what? They're not functional. They're just lumps and I can't walk without crutches, and barely even with. Just a metaphor though. Just waiting for that miracle that will never happen, a cure, something to forever lift my curse so that I can breathe. So that I can have a chance at love too. But instead I'll just die. Maybe there is no more than this life, maybe this is it and I'm just throwing it away. I don't fucking care, I don't want it even if it's everything I'll ever have.
Life shouldn't be forced upon me, it should be my choice. Why can't I get to choose? Why is God so mad at me that he forces me to stay when I don't have anything to live for? I will never forgive God for what he's done to me. I feel so trapped here and all my 18 attempts to flee have been useless. Utterly useless and I'm just so tired now. I just want to get out and I don't care what happens then. If it gets worse I'll kill myself again. If it gets better that would be good. If it all just disappears thank lord for that rest. Either way, I just want to get out.
Out of this curse, out of this prison, out of this hell, out of this life. I don't know how much longer I can stand it, before I end up in a vicious suicide cycle of just trying and trying and never stop trying to die. Maybe by then I'll make 18 attempt a week, or a day, losing count of how many hundreds attempt. Eventually I'd just have to succeed. Eventually I might jump no matter how scared I am of heights, when I've tried everything else hundreds of times.
I hope I won't get to that point, I hope fate won't be quite that cruel. Living when you just want to die... I don't know, no words can really describe it, but I guess it could be a little like having to go to a job that you hate every single day. Like you're just doing it cause you have no other choice. It still ravages inside of me, all I've lost that I never even had. Your presence still lingers here... K, what can I even do without you? I'm so lost.
It's too early for these thoughts, they're devouring me, chasing my sanity away. I'm not hungry, I'm not alive, I'm not here, not here. And I want to kill my last string of hope, cut it off and fall. It's forcing me to stay above the surface when I'd rather just drown. I try not to dream, hope or fantasise about anything at all, but K is always on my mind. More so lately, and more so right now. And I fuel my fire hoping to burn alive.
I can't just love him, without wishing he could love me too, without hoping that one day he will. That's the miracle I'm still hoping for, that's the string I want to cut off, holding me in place, it's fucking holding me in place and I just want to let go and fall. Once and for all. I want nothing to bind me to this place, if only I could stop hoping. It's what's keeping me here. It's why I can't let go. It's my bitter sweet reason... to stay.
No comments:
Post a Comment