Testing my patience

Damn how much I've just wanted to crawl into a corner and disappear today. My third cup of coffee for today doesn't sit right with my stomach. I don't even know why, everything just fucks with me today, and now I'll tell you exactly how.

I'm not feeling all that horrible right now but knowing it's just because I ate tears me apart. I want to be able to function at least to some minuscule degree without food for at least a while. I guess those days are over now. It's easy starve when you're just "starting out" but the more you keep doing it the harder it gets as your body is fighting back more and more. Heat wave! I'm overheated again but I was freezing two seconds ago. Please body, have you ever heard of the Swedish word "lagom"? Nah, didn't think so.

Anything along the lines of "good enough" is just not in my body's vocabulary. At all. It's all just extremes, polar opposites, black and white, completely out of the order and up-side-down. I think if you took a healthy person and shook them insanely for about 26 years you'd get something like the concept of me. Can anyone blame me for being thoroughly tired of living?

I just feel so completely, utterly done with this entire world. And I think the only thing really holding me back is my love for K. I don't see it as that I live for him, not anymore (cause I can't live for anyone), but that I live because of him. Don't know if that is much better in any moral sort of sense, but it's closer to the truth. My stupid feelings keep me here. I wish that wasn't so. I wish my feelings wouldn't hinder me as much as they do, or at all for that matter.

Yes, that's right, my feelings keeping me here is them being a hinder for me. Like they're the gate keepers and I can't get through. I know my point of view might differ from most people's. It almost always does. But me being alive is not a blessing or a miracle to me at all. It's a curse, a plague, a fucking disease and I just want to get out. I'm desperate to leave this horrible place. Of course though, I'm not so desperate to leave the people I love and care about devastated by dying, but I'm aware it's a choice I made to rather leave than stay, and that choice most definitely includes leaving what I love behind too.

I can't pick and choose what or who to leave or not when it comes to the question of death. It's an ultimate, definite decision and there's no coming back from it. I am aware of that. And I might not be fully sane these days, as I see so much darkness and the darkness is just drowning out the little light I've ever had. I might love a starry night sky, but I would never want to go out into it anyway. The darkness takes over, and the stars are too far away.

And I can't live for other people, no matter how fucking much I love them, I just can't. And I definitely can't live for myself, I never could. For anything in the world. Most of the time I've just been living cause it's easier than to die, and my true belief is that THAT is the actually cowardly choice. For me, it's taken a lot of courage to decide to die. To leave everything I know behind me for something I can't ever know what it is until I get there. Perhaps my view of courage is fucked up, but it is my view nonetheless.

I can only measure the meaning of words by my own thoughts and feelings. I don't even know which ones of my beliefs are to be considered normal, weird or downright insane. To me they're all normal, reasonable but also a little weird. But also, to me everything has got some degree of weirdness to it, even science. Oh, especially science! Maybe I'm just too dumb to understand it, or I'm too smart to have faith in it. Could be both, I suppose.

Mostly, living is just tiring and meaningless these days. I can still find sparks here and there though. They might make a day alright, but would never reach up to a state of becoming something I could live for. I'm not asking anyone to give me a reason to live, I would never do that, I'm just trying to say what's on my mind. Most of the time when I do talk about my misery to people, all I want is to inform them of my situation. I'm not asking for anything in return.

Gah I'm overheated again. Now switching between that and freezing, I honestly don't know if that's better or worse than the cold sweats. I'm just pissed at my body today. It's the most annoying thing I've ever been permanently stuck in. Wow, that explained so much about how I feel about being human.

And I'm awfully disgusted by this body. By this whole state. Some days I really hate being human and wish I was anything, literally anything else. But what choice do I actually have? I want real options, anything except this. No more tricks and illusions. If only I could at least get a vacation from living or something. Self induced coma? Please, wouldn't say no to that if only I had the means for it. I just don't want to sit here not wanting to do anything at all except from impossible things, wishing I wasn't even human and just wanting to die much more than I want to live.

This is no way of living, it's not even survival. I don't know what it is but death seems unreachable, unachievable, impossible even. I'm just sitting here waiting for a death that never comes and I can't stand a single minute of it. I'm just here for reasons I don't give a shit about and I don't want to live. I don't think I've been more fed up with life ever before. And for every failed suicide attempt it's been like something has died within me, some important, a key to lust for life. It's just... saying that I feel like a complete failure is not even remotely close enough to describe anything. I don't have words for it.

I've never been mad at the people who have saved my life back in the day, cause either they were just doing their job (doctors) or they did it because they loved me and wanted me to stay alive (friends). But I could never be thankful. Instead I was mostly just empty. Mad at myself for being so fucking hopelessly bad at it, and mad at my body for being so damn strong. It survives literally everything and why can't it just stop doing that? For crying out loud, just fucking stop.

It's wearing me out, being so tired, exhausted, sick of everything and hating myself. Lol, apparently my BMI is 19,5 but I thought for sure it was closer to 21... thank you ED for making me feel about 8 kg fatter than I actually am. No honestly I feel at least 15 kg fatter than I am, but I did think my BMI was in the range of 21 for some reason. I just keep looking it up and keep forgetting it all the time. I don't know how thin or fat I actually am, it's just a damn mystery. But I'm just one BMI point from underweight so I'm probably not fat. According to science at least.

I don't know why but I suddenly felt like checking the ED forum to see if anyone had just randomly left me a message but there was none, and ended up seeing a post someone had made about BMI and it got me curious again. I'm like half giving up on my ED half trying with everything I've got to get back on track with it. Yeah, I did fast yesterday, but I don't feel like calculating all the calories or even half of them and sometimes I just don't care if I eat. So what? One meal isn't gonna make me gain. So it feels like I have one foot in it and the other outside of it, in a way.

I'm not saying that I'm being casual about it, more like torn in two different directions: determination and a wish to just give up. Nothing holds me in place, not even my damn eating disorder. I just keep drifting. I wish it could "ground" me or give me some kind of meaning at least. But there's no joy in it, no excitement. It's just obsession and an addiction that is half there and half not. A fading addiction. I want to hold on to it, but I don't even know how. Right now, I think that could possibly be the only thing that could give me a reason to stay.

It's not a good reason though, I know that much. But it's something. If it could only just work with me. Ruin me more, take over me, distort me and shake me senseless. Anything if it would only just stay. That's the only thing I want, okay besides losing weight, to simply have it. But it feels like I can't even have that. Like life won't even give me that comfort. Maybe that's why I feel so horrible today, ruining my fast cause I just can't stay on that track, and all of my "can't's" that are just like holes in my mind. I just can't do anything. I can't even keep my eating disorder, what does that even say about me?

It just shouldn't work that way. It shouldn't be possible and I'm so fucking sick of it always being that way. I don't want to be unique in any damn sense if it leads to this. I can't stand myself. Every single breath today has been a necessary evil. I can't even figure it out, anything. I'm just stuck thinking how awful everything is and how I'd just want to rip all of my organs out one by one. I'm on edge, I'm beyond desperate and crawling out of my skin. Why do I even keep wishing things left to right? It's so utterly pointless.

Right, now I'm screaming at my hair. It's tickling me to a madness I can't fathom. But finally the sweating stopped for now. I'll probably be freezing again within minutes, or seconds. From despondent to fucking pissed, I just can't deal with myself today. At all. No, I'm done, I'm fucking done with it all. I feel like just screaming. But I'd feel stupid, cause that too would be pointless and not solve a damn thing. Nothing would. Ever, and that's why this day sucks.