I just randomly miss K again or still and would love to just hang out with him again someday. Maybe go on a shopping spree none of us can afford or just sit on a random couch and drink booze together.
It's always been hard for me to talk to him because all I can think about is how much I love him and that's what I want to say, but it would just be... impractical when we're around a lot of other people, which we usually are. I like the times we're just the two of us the best, but even then it's been hard for me to talk. I really do hope I can muster enough courage to tell him face to face one day in a not too distant future. I need for him to know, and also it would kinda be a bonus if letting him know could somehow release some of my pressure. That if I release that kind of information I could speak more openly from then on.
It's not so much that I need for him to know before I die and wait until last minute, as it is that I need for him to know whether I die or not. I don't want to leave him, and at least in this very moment, I almost kinda hope there could be a way for me to continue living in his shadow. If I could perhaps find a different way to do that. Show him my support at the same time as I'd show him my difficulties and why it's been so hard for me. Give him my reasons, why I left and why I came back, why I can't let go of him, why I want the best for him and why I actually in a way do support his relationship with his partner. My selfish and my selfless reasons. I want to show him my world, in which he is the main focus.
And even though I can't let go of my eating disorder it does come second and it always has, if even that. It's not my top priority, it's not my everything. He is, and I know it's awful, but if he loved me back and wanted for me to recover, I truly, utterly and completely would. I'd just throw it out the window and never look back. I know I have it in me to do that, if only I had a reason to. And I know, that would be my only reason.
The way I see it, what is so awful about that, is that it puts a hell of a lot of pressure on him, if I would ever tell him which I probably never will, but I would let him find out, maybe. Cause maybe I'd ask him if he ever read my blog (which he has had access to), and then say that he is K. Give him the completely open option to find out if he wanted to, basically all of my thoughts ever written down here. I don't want to keep any secrets from him. With him I just want to be real and vulnerable and the actual me. I just want and need for him to know who I really am and everything that is me. Then, if he still can't ever love me, I'll accept that.
I really do think I can accept that, cause in a way I already do. Cause absolutely nothing tells me that he would just suddenly change his mind and heart and fall for me only because I tell him that I love him. Absolutely nothing. That's not even why I'll tell him, I'll tell him because I think it would do him, and the both of us, some good. I don't think such truth could ever in a million years harm our friendship. Doesn't mean I can't be wrong of course, but I'd take that risk. I'm not technically a stalker, I don't demand anything in return except possibly for him to just hear me out, any reaction of his I would accept, understand and be okay with. Well, I might feel a bit bummed if he would respond with a lie, but I'm pretty sure that would sort out with time.
I don't think he's ever really lied to me. Kept things from me yes, but that's hardly the same thing. That's something to respect, not to be bummed about. We haven't had much really deep conversations, but it's been some. I've tried without pushing him, mostly I've just tried to open myself up and see if he responded to that. I've never pushed him to tell me anything. When I've asked something he's not been comfortable to answer, I've just stated that I'm completely okay with that and then let's move on, kinda. If I have ever come across as pushing it's never been my intention.
But yeah, of course I've been very curious about him and wanting to get to know him, but everyone is different. Some people are very easily letting me in while others are not. I believe everyone has reasons for being either way or somewhere in between, and also everyone perceives me differently. And it's been difficult for me too, as I fell for him in a very difficult time of my life. 2013 was one of my worst years ever. I needed to love him back then, even though I refused to let myself fall until I no longer had any control over my heart. It says nothing about him in my private or public notes before July that year, but I know I fell for him already during May.
I had my reasons for keeping myself from my own feelings, I had been hurt badly in my past and did not wish to go through that shit again. But I kinda knew I would, eventually, that there was no escape. I just knew I had to fall for him, even though I knew he was unobtainable and unavailable already then, as I mentioned before, he had been in his relationship with his partner for a year already then. I tried to hate her at first and almost kinda did, but then realised how stupid and unnecessary that was. Especially since she's such a nice and amazing person. I really can't hate her at all.
Perhaps that means I've grown as a person compared to my previous loves/crushes, I don't know. I remember back when I was 12 years old and fell for the first time in love with a classmate. He was a dick but my heart was a wild creature already then. He got a girlfriend soon after I had fallen for him and I literally planned to murder her. I planned to stab her in her throat with a kitchen knife, I remember exactly. That rage and hatred is hard to forget. Love has fucked me up in many ways. So... starting from a murderous rage for unobtainable love, turning into accepting and even liking the person my love loves is, I believe, quite a step in some direction.
We're friends too, although that friendship is kinda strained from my point of view. It's like half the time I'm just jealous and the other half I'm really happy for her. I mean, she got the absolutely best person in the entire world and they both love each other. It's a conflict in my tired and broken heart. But one thing is for sure, I cannot dislike her, not for anything. But I also know, that my love for K is getting between our friendship. She knows I'm in love with someone, but not that it's the same person as she's in love with.
Oh, we have so much in common it hurts everywhere. Every time I see her all I can think about is him. It's our strongest link and she doesn't even know. Is that awful of me, or is it simply my right to not let her know? Sometimes it's hard for me to tell. I'd want her to know, but not before I let him know.
And that song, I can't let go. When I listen to the lyrics, it sounds like he meant them for me but it can't have been that way. It hurts every time I hear it, but I can't entirely stop listening to it. "I need you like the air, like the air we breathe, and I think you do the same" is just one part of those lyrics. What did he mean, when he sent me that song in private chat? I can' stop thinking about it. It was over a year ago, for crying out loud.
And maybe I don't want to know the answer, that maybe and most likely it's just a song that he likes and he thought I'd like it too. We used to share so much music, and I remember telling him that he has the best taste in music ever. It's true, I've never met anyone except myself who has such a good taste in music. I wouldn't have told him that if it wasn't true. And he continues to amaze me.
I miss that time when we talked almost every day. I don't know what happened, but one vague guess is that he might have been planning on getting together with her again and he didn't want to hurt me, knowing by then that I like him more than as a friend. After that, nothing was ever the same again. I wish it could be, but time passes, you know. And nothing can ever be the same as anything. I don't know what I could have done differently. I often find myself thinking about it, that what if I had done something differently? I can't find a way to better have handled those months.
I handled it all perfectly. I really do believe that and I'm not the one to blame. None of us are. He could never love me, not from 2013 and forward. Maybe earlier, if I had just fucking noticed him ealier. But by then I was all too busy with loving T and being with M and the other M and all that mess. I was in love with two different guys and then ended up in a relationship with a third. K was just not on my radar before he met his partner. And I do wish that he was, that I had never fallen for anyone else during that time, oh god I'd hate myself if he'd ever tell me he was ever interested in me when he wasn't even on my radar. I'd cry rivers for the time we could have had. Because if our timing really sucked that much... I don't know what I'll do.
Cause I feel... somehow that we have potential. If it has to do with bad timing or something else I can't really know at this point. It's just a feeling tearing me apart. I remember he once told me that he knew of someone who was in love with someone and neither of them knew about the other's feelings so they completely missed out on each other. I'm completely terrified of that ever happening to us. I've been so terrified that I've literally forgotten how to breathe. "Luckily" my body always reminded me though. But holy shit that keeps me up at night.
I do have a million reasons for letting him know about my love for him, and that would be one of them, to make sure that that could never possibly happen. I would beyond hate myself for my actions if I end my life only to later know that he somehow really did love me. I don't want to say too much, but somehow that is a possibility in the midst of it all. Despite him loving her, it is indeed a possibility that he could love me too. He's hinted at it more than just once, yet I'm hesitant. As if he could still give me a chance. Could I be with the both of them if I was offered that option? Ah, hell yes! It could be hard, it could definitely be hard, but I'd definitely also give it a try. Literally anything to be with him, literally ANYTHING.
And I don't know why I even dare writing that here, it could be giving too much information, but perhaps I'm just drunk. Too drunk to hesitate. I wouldn't even hesitate if given that option, no I'd shine up like a thousand stars and give it all I have. Cause I'd rather be the third wheel than just not in the picture at all. It's not certain it would ever work out, cause yeah, I have my reasons and I don't know much about that sort of stuff, but I'd be more than willing to give it a try at least.
I've said too much and should just shut up about it from now on. I could have misinterpreted it massively so I yeah. Please don't ever quite me on this. Now I can't get it out of my head though. I keep on smiling then disappearing into sadness then smiling again as I read through this text that I wrote hours ago. But I feel I need to post this, it still feels that important. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
No comments:
Post a Comment