I've thought about it, that would I even have survived my teenage years if I had "embraced" my transsexualism a lot earlier? Or would it have been way too much for me? Like when I was 16 and actually figured most of it out? I wonder what my life would have been like then. I still of course wouldn't have been able to get hormones before at least age 18, but still. It could have been an earlier social transition.
I would probably not have ended up with my ex R, but you never know. If I was still physically female and he was actually bi-curious in a way. I think he actually could have been with a pre-everything transguy. In a way he was of course, but none of us really knew that back then. I don't know, but even in that alternative universe theory, I still don't want my teenage years without him. I learned so much from that relationship and it really helped me grow as a person. Now I usually don't regret my time in the closet, I think I needed to give it that time. I think I needed to try living as female.
That it was a necessary experience, and good lord it taught me a lot about misogyny, male privilege, how men treat women and all that fun stuff. No of course I was never really female, but posing as one and being seen as one in society kinda, in a way, put me in that situation quite a few times. Although most of the time I felt as though I didn't belong with either women or men. I still don't. And I know that's weird cause I am male and should be identifying with other males, and don't get me wrong, in most aspects I do, but I just don't feel really welcome in any crowd.
I wish I was though, I believe it would make certain things easier. If any group of people, I feel the most welcome and like I belong among other transgender people, binary and non-binary. I just feel like I'm stuck somewhere in between the males and the females and it's not a good feeling. I get insecure around other men because I just don't feel like I'm "male enough" which of course is stupid but I can't help it. And I feel insecure around women because I'm obviously not one of them.
So yeah, I feel I deviate more from women than other men, but like I don't really belong with any of them. Maybe it's simply because of my journey, but I don't think so, not really. Cause I'm pretty sure that if I had been born cis-male I still would have felt out of place. Maybe it's just because I'm androgynous with a brain that is pretty much just as male as female. So yeah, I do identify as male, want/need a male looking body and to present as male in society, but I don't think I really am 100% male.
It is very possible that I am in fact agender, bi-gender or something similar they don't really have a name for, but I still just want to be seen as entirely male. It's more of a wish, a wanting, than a way to be. Like, I feel much better being read as male and having a more masculine body (and would of course want for it to be even more masculine) than I do with the opposite. I really can't live as female or have a feminine body. Maybe I do in fact have two genders, male and something else that I can't quite define.
Something non-human. Cause I don't really ever identify as female in any way, it's something else. Clothes, hair and make-up has really nothing to do with my gender and doesn't (or shouldn't) make me more female than I actually am. It's just a way of expressing... whatever you want to express really. I think I'm definitely on to something here, might actually also figure it out before I die. But one thing is for sure, I still want to be read as male, look male and have a male body. Even if only 50% of me actually is male. And male pronouns really need to stay too.
I don't know exactly why, but I always get very testy when people use gender neutral pronouns on me. Like "I'm a dude, are you fucking blind?!" I just want to yell at them. But of course I don't. I think there could be a bit insecurity in that, that I kinda see it as some form of misgendering even if it's not intended that way most of the time. Here in Sweden, the word "hen/henom" has become, almost a bit, like an epidemic. It's like saying "they/them" in English and it's rather new. And I just really hate it when people use that pronoun on me.
I don't have anything against the usage of gender neutral pronouns, not at all, in fact I think they can even be a blessing to any language, but people really should be more careful with how they throw those words around. Especially when they just assume everyone is fine with them using them left to right without ever asking if it's okay. And almost everyone who finds out about my trans status always get very confused on how they want to gender me. I just don't understand what's so fucking hard. I've worked years upon years, taken hormones and gone under the knife and hassled with paper works just to be read as male (kinda) and they still can't get it right?
Like I went from being read as female to being read as male, I put my femininity behind me how can they not understand? They seem to think that oh, just because I'm trans then I'm of some kind of third gender. Couldn't be more inaccurate. Yeah, I've tried to explain, but there comes a point where I just don't have the energy anymore. Where I just want to write "I'm a man and nothing else" in bold letters on my freaking forehead and everything else is just no one's fucking business.
It's just tiring to even think about. I just wish I could move around in society without having my gender questioned for a fucking change. But it never stops. Would I have still thought it would be worth it, to transition, back in 2009, if I had known it was gonna take 6 years and after all that time people still can't get my gender right? I wonder, I seriously do. Or would I just have given up and died? But I'm hopefully at least at the end of my transition now, and I will most likely also have more surgeries if I survive next spring and/or can get my eating disorder in check enough to even be allowed to have surgery at all.
That would be the last damn thing, if just all those authority people can just stop getting my damn personal identity number wrong all the freaking time. I've had the "new" number for a year now and as late as last week some fucker screwed it up in their papers, when I had those blood tests taken. I'm sure I wrote about that already. Those are the only two things still hanging over me. Cause if I do get to severe underweight I'm pretty damn certain no one would want to operate on me, so I guess I'll have to deal with that sometime in the future.
Like, if I can't even get to severe underweight it's more likely that I'll just give up on that and somewhat recover at least for surgery, then possibly get back down to that road again after I've healed up and everything. Cause I do want that operation, I really do, I just don't think now is a good time for it. And I want to be a little bit more certain still. As I still, somewhere suppressed in the back of my mind, would want a child one day. It's literally the only thing preventing me from getting that surgery asap. And I don't think it even should. I can't have babies, it's absurd.
And I know that I'd rather want that surgery than a child, but I also know that I can't have both. Well, if I get a child first I could always have the surgery later on, but definitely not the other way around. And I'm just trying to figure out just how much or if I'd regret it if I do skip getting a child and just go for the surgery. Like how much would I possibly hate myself? More than I already do, that is. So yeah, I'm still asking myself that question and have decided that I won't go for anything before I have a very clear and solid answer.
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