Whimsical feelings

The drunkenness is starting to land in me, become one with my mind. It usually happens after 3 or 4 glasses but sometimes takes up to 7. My tolerance is frighteningly high. I don't start getting blackouts before I'm looking at a 10th or as far up as a 15th glass though. That's a lot of alcohol. I think I got up to around 15 glasses when I drank a whole bottle of vodka last Saturday. I'm not bragging though, as this is nothing to brag about, it's more of "holy shit I'm fucked up" kinda realisation thing.

I've gotten so used to drinking that I know exactly what happens by what glass and also that if I stick to clear booze I won't get hungover. I might need to sleep for 10 hours after a whole bottle of vodka and I'm all weak, drained and dehydrated afterwards, but it's not an actual, typical hangover. I don't get that nausea or puking afterwards. If I puke I do that while still drunk, or if I've taken some pills as well. Pills and booze is a generally bad combination for me, it almost always leads to me puking it all up again.

Gross, I know. But I remember the good old days when I used to go out drinking at my favourite night club dMz in Uppsala and I'd have one drink, pop one Citodon (fairly strong painkiller, contains codeine) then have another drink, then another Citodon and just continue until I crashed. It made me like... feel as if I was floating on clouds through the night. Barely coherent, but I never appeared "high" as that is a downer and combined with the alcohol I just appeared drunk and nothing else. So no guards or anyone suspected anything. I was prescribed that painkiller for my headache but abused it quite a lot.

First purge in a week or so. Didn't finish though cause couldn't wait to get away from there to continue drinking and writing. I'll never get tired of the mist, of being insanely drunk. It's the only world within this reality that I can honestly say that I like. If only I had more cash I'd drink a lot more often and in a lot larger quantities. If I could afford it I'd be so alcoholic that no one would stand me. Or, most people wouldn't.

And K basically told me to leave him alone for now so that's what I'm doing but I can't help that it hurts. I wish I could be there for him but I don't want to be his responsibility, or for him to feel that he needs to talk to me or anything. I don't want to pressure him, so I just told him I'll be here, and that I understand cause I really do. It's just that I need him so much right now and always. But my own petty needs always come second. I just wish it didn't have to be that way.

Always updating tumblr, not knowing what I hope for but something. And just remembered that oh, haven't checked facebook since yesterday. Or, that would technically be the day before yesterday. Don't know why I keep forgetting it. I don't want to forget it. Now awaiting your reply, not knowing if I'll get any. You're trying to sleep, I drink without limits. You have a life that's exhausting you, I don't have a life but I'm still exhausted. Perhaps we could somehow meet again, not like before, but in some way.

I want to reach out to you Y, but I don't know how. I want to tell you it's more than okay to talk to me again, that I need you and want to be around you. I still am unsure of my whimsical feelings but I know that much. And I'm just chaos tonight. I'm not as sad, but I feel desperation and I need to reach out somehow. Like I'm suffocating and something or someone could be my air. I don't know half of what I'm feeling. I miss K, I miss Y, I don't know who I am.

I'm so consumed by my own thoughts, feelings, wants and needs but then I'm not. I still know K's needs come before my own and somehow I think Y's needs are on a similar level to my own. I don't feel entirely alone, not with both of those two at least somewhat in my life, I do feel loved and cared about and that is an amazing feeling, even if I can't respond in ways I'd want to. There's always conflicts in my mind, but they're somehow easier to deal with now. Me and K, we have our ways, and I do trust Y enough to know where I have him. He's not the one to be mistrusted, I was.

And I really do both believe and hope that that's something of the past, my lying tendencies. I haven't felt any need or wish to lie to him for months now, and I don't know about you but I think that's at least a step in the right direction. But my heart feels so heavy. Like a rock of lead in my chest, I can so obviously feel its weight, both physically and mentally/figuratively. It's like it's just screaming without direction for god knows what. Affection, love, anything along those lines. What hearts generally want. Someone to hold. What did I say a bunch of hours ago about me always getting so lonely and clingy when I drink?

I'd still rather be drunk than sober most of the time. Even though the pain increases and becomes so strong that I can't even define it, even though, even though. Y, you still send shivers down my whole body and even I know that means something. I don't shiver for much, it's like that frission you feel when you hear a really good song, you know? Just like that. That's one of the reasons I know I feel something. I'm not completely cold towards you and you know that as much as I do, just, I think none of us can really put it into actual words, what it actually is. And maybe we shouldn't be too quick to either.

My thoughts and feelings are everywhere tonight, I'm at my 5th drink and can't really focus on anything long enough. I need to buy lighters, my last one is coming to an end. I'm on edge, but at the same time calm. I don't know what state I'm really in. Except drunk, if that's a state. But I'm not out of my senses drunk, I've just had 4,5 glasses, it's barely enough to even get me drunk.

I'll never finish this text but I think I'll make a cut somewhere soon from now, then I can possibly continue later. At least purging got me warm but now I'm getting cold again. I'm still listening to my only secret playlist on Spotify, the one with all the songs K sent me and songs that make me think of him. I'm starting to agree with the night but my feelings remain a mystery. I'm lost in the mist, just letting myself get carried away with anything that comes my way.