The toll on my body

I don't even know if I can stand up in the shower later tonight. Probably not, but I have to shower cause I stink. Then I'll just sit down or something. I have literally no energy today. My body really is running on empty. Just caffeine and sugar and that doesn't take me very far. Not today. I feel as though my words are slipping away, I have to think for minutes before I can think of anything at all. There are blank spaces between almost every thought.

And what happens in them, I don't know. They're just blank, empty voids. They leave me with a blank stare as I almost forget my cigarette. It's like "oh, am I smoking this?" and then take a drag, sigh out the smoke and continue to rock myself. It feels like I've only been awake for about 30 minutes but it's been hours. Awake, only physically but barely even that. I'm just drifting away somewhere.

Where to I don't know. Just away. Damn I'm gonna have to shave as well today. Guess I'll have to do that sitting down as well. I can't stand up for more than a few seconds, before my legs get weak and my upper body too heavy. Before my head starts spinning and my heart starts racing. I'm that weak, I can't carry my own weight. Yet I can't stop fasting, can't stop starving myself.

Someone once told me that fasting is dangerous for the inner organs, and I hope they're right. I've gone through, maybe about half of October, just fasting. The other half restricting to about 500 calories a day. I've never known of anyone restricting heavily for so long before, without serious health complications. I don't even know if I do have serious health complications by now. But I guess it's possible.

It's strong, my heart, but I feel it getting weaker, too restrained, pushed closer to its limit. How much more starvation can it hold, until it beats no longer? I guess I'll just have to find out. I feel closer to the end, but as though I still have some time left. I wonder if I'll crash if I try to go to school tomorrow. If I'll be even weaker, if I can even walk there. It's a 10 minutes walk and there are no buses to take me there. Walking, cycling, car or roller blades are basically the only ways to get there, and I don't have any of those things, just my feet.

I haven't taken a walk for a few days now. And somehow I wonder if I'll ever be able to again. If I crash halfway to school, I'll just somehow get myself back up on my feet and walk back home again. Admit defeat, or something. Went to the kitchen to write a shopping list for tomorrow and almost fell over as I lost my balance on the way back to my chair. All I could do was laugh about it.

My thoughts put on shuffle, I don't understand half of them. Not even trying to, cause I don't need to understand absolutely everything. Having a 4th cup of coffee for today, even though it's past 10 pm. My tired eyes close for moment after moment, not knowing how to stay open. Every time I blink I hold for a little longer. I never entirely woke up today.

I told my mother something, something, something else. Isn't it weird that some people actually eat? And how can I have survived so long with so little food, shouldn't I be dead soon? Oh but the waiting list is long. I'm not sure what my mind is rambling about, but I need to take a shower. Just letting the thoughts pass through, maybe that's some kind of mindfulness, I don't know. Only vaguely remember what they taught me in DBT a few years ago.

About imagining your mind as a river and every thought is a leaf floating across it. There wouldn't be any water showing or floating in my river, it would be a river of leaves. Sometimes I miss group therapy but only because it was interesting. It didn't help me much at all. And I wonder what everyone will think when I'm gone, if I'll get to hear those thoughts somehow. If they'll wonder what my reasons were, or if they'll think it's a wonder I made it that far and no reasons were needed.

I think my reasons have been piling up for years and decades. Until I was having so many reasons that there were no reasons. I don't even think I need reasons for dying. It's not like you ask someone with cancer why they'll die, so why is it okay to ask someone with asperger or borderline or an eating disorder? Because it's killing me, that's why, you dumbass. Not referring to you Y, I don't think you're in the dumbass category. But some people inevitably are.

And to those, I don't even have that much energy to explain. Why mental illness and physical illness actually aren't that far from each other. The mind is also a part of the body. My head is inevitably attached to my shoulders. The same blood runs through. I am not my mental illnesses, I don't need a reason for having them.

So, the only real reason why I want to end my life is because I'm mentally ill and don't even know what it's like to be healthy. Or I don't know, I don't even know. How could I know? I have nothing to compare to. I know some people with asperger are perfectly capable of leading a "normal" life, but I'm really one of those who really can't. And it just bothers me when I do mention my diagnoses and people go "oh that's nothing" because they've never dealt with it, they just read an article about it or something and think they know.

I could give them just one day of my life and it could explain exactly why their stupid theory is just bizarre. Some people really should be more educated than opinionated, or just shut their mouths. These days I'm not even bothering with those people. I'd just stare and walk away. Tell them to shut up or that they just don't understand. So many people are trying to comfort me in the strangest ways. Like, okay, so your hubby has asperger and is doing so well, how does that comfort me now again?

I was born inside-out and I still haven't been able to turn myself right. I just kept breaking through every self re-birth I ever went through. But I'm not afraid of the shatter. It keeps me from living, but what the hell doesn't?

I took a break from the writing and now my mind is blank again. Just opened a window, gotta get some air in here. It's already easier to breathe. Good thing it takes some time to fill up 62 square metres with smoke. So I don't have to open the window quite so often.

I just went outside for a moment. It's cold out there, but I can breathe again. I miss the sound of traffic, roaring through the nights, making them somehow less lonely. Time for my shower. I stepped on the scale right before my shower and I'm finally below 56 kg. 55,6 to be exact. Seems it was real weight but the loss before wasn't real. I thought losing 2 kg in 2 days was a bit too optimistic. But I wanted so badly to believe. Just my scale screwing with me. So I'll just have to lose this weight like "normally" I suppose.

With more starving and fasting. If I manage to not eat and or purge tonight I could be even lighter by the morning. I sure hope so. I'll take my meds in an hour and hope I won't need Imovane tonight. Don't think I could get up at 7:00 if I do take it. So, yet another hour of doing absolutely nothing. And I know that having a BMI of around 13 is appealing to me, I just don't think I'll ever get to a weight that low. Right now I'm just hoping I can reach underweight. 4 kg to get down there.

I'm starting to get some night energy... hardly good timing at all. And I imagine being thin and dancing to goth music at a night club with my friends. I wonder if that will ever happen. Me being thin or ever going dancing again. Maybe I'd be too sick so I'd just sit in a corner somewhere sipping coffee or diet coke, wrapped up in my friend's jackets or blankets. But who knows. I miss dancing at night clubs, I miss my friends.

So I just took my meds and the 1 dl of water I had is now rumbling in my stomach. What the fuck. I see my empty plate from yesterday and start thinking of all the foods I crave. I'm not gonna have anything, just go to bed if it gets too bad. Fasting has never felt so hard on my body before, and I'm thinking it's not gonna get any easier. I'll take things as they come, one day at a time, and now I consider this day to be over. Time to try to recharge my batteries and then I'll take on tomorrow.