I wrote a whole lot about my most recent thoughts and feelings about K, but they're too private and personal for me to share. Know that there's not much at all that I keep entirely to myself of all the things I do write, but a small fraction has to be that way. It's like, maybe a couple of hundred words a week or so, which really is a fraction considering I usually write between 2000 and 6000 words a day. I mean I don't post that much, sometimes it's just too damn much to edit and I pick out the most important stuff cause I just work that way.
But anyhow, what I do feel alright saying is that I don't think K will completely abandon me anytime soon. I know I probably shouldn't be so scared of that happening, but I kinda am sometimes. When I think I've fucked up, gotten too close or just been too persistent with showing care. Simply put, sometimes I think I'm just a pain in the ass around him and how can he even possibly stand me?
Without saying too much, I can hint that it's not exactly the way it really is and I know that at heart, but still I keep blaming myself. No one should be blamed for anything, sometimes things just go wrong or turn out weird anyway. And we've been friends for quite long now and known of each other longer than that, so I should know better than to go and blame myself for every little thing I consider half a fatal mistake or the end of the world. I'm just so good at punishing myself as soon as it's anything, and if there isn't anything I make something up and punish myself for that instead.
I know most of my relationship with K is one sided, or how to phrase it, and I know I'm all too often blowing things out of proportion. Blame it on my heart, blame it on my nerves, blame it on my asperger, or anything within reach. I make a lot of private scenes in my head that I just don't show anyone. I worry myself to tears, panic attacks and sleepless nights as soon as something's up and I just can't slow down.
My feelings and thought processes are more often than not overheated, feverish and out of control. I try my best to understand them, accept them and not let my behaviour show just what a fucking mess everything actually is. I do strongly believe that I would definitely just push him away if I would do that. I'm scared of just how much of a pain in the ass I actually would be if I didn't practice all that self control. What I want and need and hope and wish for is not my damn priority. I don't think it ever should be and it would do no one any good if it had ever been.
I'm so emotional, my feelings practically rule me and my love for K is the strongest of them all. It's so powerful that it knocks me completely out of balance almost every day. It still does. It's wilder than fire but somehow I am able to contain it. Well, most of the time at least. I try my best. But at the same time, I've been doing my best to contain it for so long now that I don't even know how to let it slip out. I'm scared it will either burn me alive or him.
That I won't be able to let it out in a way that would be positive and for the right reasons, that it would instead just explode. And I don't know for sure if waiting even more will make that risk more or less likely to happen. It also might depend a bit on other circumstances around as well. Like what state I'm in and what state he's in. It might also not, it might just not depend on anything else at all. I really don't know.
But the more scared I am, of whatever it can be for, usually things happening in his life, the more out of control it gets and the harder it is to contain. I still can't even remotely handle all the love that I feel. Some things I don't even dare imagine at all, and that's unusual for me, as I've always been able to imagine anything no matter how painful, but right there I've hit my limit. When it comes to K, regarding some things, I've felt more fear than I ever thought was possible to feel all at once. And I know that is because I love him so much it's literally crippling me.
Is it good for me, loving him? I keep asking myself over and over. In some aspects it could be, but as I think about it more deeply than I've ever dared to before, it's killing me. The feelings are too strong, I can't even... there are no words to describe it at all. Or I don't have the words. How do you even possibly describe something you've never ever felt before? I don't see it truly as negative feelings though, if there even is such a thing as negative or positive feelings, to me they all are bits of both. And this, is very much a whole lot of both and so much more. It's like an entire world all of its own.
How am I even supposed to learn how to handle it, or even live with it? And oddly enough it's what's keeping me alive. That fire could keep an entire universe alive. But it can also kill. I think so, I really do. Of course I don't think he's ever gonna be in any actual danger, it's become my fucking life purpose to keep him out of danger, as much as I can, which isn't much at all but what the fuck should I do. I'm just a person. And I do have a few more disadvantages than most people do, and more disadvantages than other people who love him too. Anyhow, I do think that those feelings really are strong enough to eventually kill me.
If I can't contain it any longer, if I can't keep my defenses up. It's burning through the gates, melting the steel bars and I think it's just a matter of time. A lot of things could happen of course, but if I can't find other ways, I'm pretty dead certain I'm doomed. Though I don't know how it could kill me, my imagination can't take me that far. I just know that playing with fire is dangerous, and even though the feelings themselves might not be dangerous, what they can lead me to could very well be. I'm not scared of dying in either way, I'm scared of the feelings.
I still face a lot of fears, I'm far from fearless. And my most intense such are regarding K. I've been trying to find ways to deal, to dull my mind or distract myself, anything to not slip over the edge. Mostly I'm scared of that my fears might lead me to do something insane that might lead to K taking a distance from me, tell me to stay away from him or worse. That I will cross a line, simply put. To save him, to help him or I don't even know. That's what I can't imagine. That's some of the corners of my mind I just can't even visit. Ever.
And I realise a lot just writing this text, it somehow helps me understand better, but it also makes it harder to breathe. Cause when I think about it, like really think about it, I can feel those flames burning me.
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