Ugh, one of those nights again. I dreamed that I had sex with the person I assaulted all those 17 years ago and it woke me up so abruptly thinking I had shit myself (but I had not) somewhere around 2:30. In the dream we were both the age we are now. Smoked in bed to calm myself down before I dived into the sheets again, mumbled here we go again and fell asleep once more.
Is it just me or do I dream more awful shit lately than ever before? Of course, with everything in my mind that I can remember being on the surface, now after all my intensive digging, and mix in my phobias and other random fears, loves, abandonment issues, trust issues and so on, what else can be expected. My mind can't cope. I have issues upon issues and the only way my mind can deal with it is by giving me dreams and nightmares. But that's not a good way of dealing, as it's not working and it's not stopping.
Sure, that might work when it's about just dealing with one bad day, but a whole life? Things too awful to write down anywhere or tell to anyone? Then I think my mind is just clueless on what to possibly do about the situation. It feels like it's just doing all it can, but I still wish it would stop, cause clearly it's going about it the completely wrong way and only making things worse.
I'm in coldsweat and unbelievably tired and messed up because of that dream. Five hours later but that doesn't seem to matter. Time matters so little to me, at least in that sense. Maybe five hours is nothing. I don't know. I sleep more these days cause I never feel rested cause of all those dreams. I haven't pulled an all nighter in quite a long time, instead I can barely stay awake for five hours even, so I take naps all the time. My sleep really is a mess and at one point my mother and I agreed that I kinda have every sleep problem they have a name for.
Anyhow, time to leave for school. I've never been as bad as I was at school today. My body is just crumbling beneath me. I've been shaking and cold sweating, my nose constantly running, and my mind just not there. I'm so sensitive, I just cried in front of the same classmate for the second time. She must think I'm like made of glass or something. Or I highly doubt she's judging me for it, it's more like I'm judging myself. Me and my single tears by now... don't even know what's up with that.
And how the fuck am I supposed to dress for school when I'm sweating, which makes me even colder and if I dress up more I'd likely sweat more too. Just... there's no fucking winning and on my way home I just shattered. I was a heartbeat away from dissociating and was shaking uncontrollably. I just feel like I won't survive this winter. And I keep thinking "what if I had at least had breakfast?" as if somehow that would have saved this horrible day.
And I'm still shaking but I did just eat and dress up in a bit warmer clothes. I'm still freezing and sweating. What is wrong with me? I can't function at school anymore, if it gets any harder than this... I don't even want to think about it. School has never been this hard before, it feels like I'm just falling apart. It's not just that it's cold, there's something wrong with me and I'm not functioning properly anymore.
I don't even know what to do. Should I stop going to school? More days like this and I might have to. I can't function there. I was barely even there mentally, mostly just sat in a corner with a cup of coffee or was outside smoking. Then arond 11:30 I was handed a piece of paper to read and I just couldn't. All I could think about was the shaking, the coldsweat and how I felt like dying.
Now I have to somehow get my temperature and my senses back to some kind of normal, I have about two hours before I need to be at the district health care clinic for my hormones. I'm beyond tired, I'm beyond exhausted but not sleepy or anything. Just shut off, unfocused. Now I'm just smoking and rocking myself, listening to music and trying to get all these words just out of me.
My hands are starting to warm up, but I'm shutting down further. And I'm still shaking. It's been an hour. I'm like warm and shivering at the same time, I don't understand. I can't hold together anymore. I might tell my mother almost everything much sooner than I've planned to cause I'm literally falling apart and have no idea what the fuck to do. I'm still cold sweating, will it ever stop? It's been going on since 2:30 this morning. That's nearly 12 hours. I am so sensitive for the smallest little thing happening. Like never ever before.
My hands are getting cold again. My clothes are soaking. I want to just step into the shower, turn on the hottest water and stand there until it's spring. Just waiting, there's nothing I can do. There's nothing I can feel. I'm so beyond tired of this now, and I'm just getting more tired. This song is just what I needed, now I can't tell apart the shivers from the frission. I'm just getting even colder. Am I getting a fever or something? What's happening?
Okay I got my shot of testosterone, and talked out with my mother a bit. Or quite a lot, but still. I guess I had just reached my breaking point. Now all the things I don't want to think about echo in my head. I'll still fast this weekend, if my body will even remotely allow me to. I have so much weight to lose. I could, heavy on could here, lose up to 4 kg a week during October, I should be able to lose 6 kg in 4 weeks. That's just 1,5 kg a week. Easy peasy.
Or it fucking should be. All these words from my conversation with my mother echo in my head, like just bouncing around in there completely without order. I'm trying to focus away from it, but easier said than done. And I want to sleep for 3 weeks but then I don't want to sleep cause I get nightmares. I just don't want to either sleep or be awake. I don't want to exist at all. But I can't stop existing, so instead I'll try to get down to 54 kg by next Wednesday. Weekly goals, the only thing that ever worked.
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