Until I collapse

To anyone wondering about my cryptic message on tumblr, it just means that I'll stop eating entirely. Until I crash. And I'll do anything in my power to stay away from food, I mean literally anything. Cause I'm so fed up with my persistent body that I've seriously completely lost my mind. And I think I'll smile, the moment it goes black before my eyes. I don't care if I crash at school, at home or anywhere. It matters nothing to me. Nothing at all, not anymore.

I've gone beyond crazy, stepped over to the other side and it's time for some serious mind control. Plan is to first get rid of all the food in my apartment, even the dusty pieces of crackers far back in my cabinets, even anything cause I know that when hunger strikes for real, I could eat anything in sight.

I'll allow myself caffeinated drinks and the sugar and oat milk I have in my coffee and of course water, but that's it. I've heard of low weight anorexics lasting over 20 days completely without food so I think this can take a while. I'll still be going to school as much as I can, but won't push for taking more walks than that. I'll just keep going no matter what. I'm tired of my body that never takes any damage, I want to cause some real damage.

And this is beyond what my eating disorder tries to order me around with, this is suicide. But I'm not aiming to die, just to become dying. Speed up the process a bit. To know that I'm mortal cause I'm having serious doubts again. Eating disorder mixed with dangerous delusions... I don't even know where to start, at how life threatening that can become.

I did reach a breaking point, and something did snap within me. I don't know exactly what it was but after purging nothing but blood and saliva for 33 minutes I was shaking with unnameable feelings I can not control. How I cursed, screamed and saw beyond it all. There's definitely thunder in my veins and I'm on fire. Don't know if it's rage, determination or something else entirely. I had one last meal that I didn't purge and then no more.

I'm still shaking, not physically anymore, but inside. I'll go to bed and I won't check my weight in the morning. Or the morning after that, or after that. I'll just keep going until I collapse. Literally, physically, I need to be down on the ground. This is beyond what I should share, for safety reasons and what not, but I think at least some of my readers deserve to know this. I'm losing all of my inhibitions and now, I let myself fall apart.