Can't fast today. I've had two meals already. I'll probably binge later tonight as well. I hate my life. It became an early lunch because I had breakfast already at 7:00 or so, but then I plan to not eat anything more until at least after the meeting with my shrink this afternoon. We'll see how that goes... I had 9 cups of coffee yesterday. Somewhat surprised at how I managed that.
Urgh, just binged on pasta again. Three portions down in one go. Had to have my mother with me when shopping groceries today to avoid suspicion so I bought like bread and butter just for show knowing I'll never eat that stuff. I'm getting good with this charade, with suffering in silence.
Can't fast so I binge instead. Eating disorder logic is the fucking worst. Think I'll drink the last of my vodka tonight, but first I'm gonna take a nap instead of purging. Hardly as effective but I'm just tired all over and don't give a single fuck.
Alright, slept from 16:00 to 0:30 so I guess I was tired. Didn't take any pills or anything, just slept on my own. Dreamed a lot of weird stuff about my family, drawing, making clothes and designing them. Also in another dream I was a young boy with some kind of special ability that I've forgotten now.
Now I'm struggling with a cup of coffee and to wake up mentally. I still felt full after that huge meal almost 12 hours ago, yet I had more food. I had one glass of vodka/diet coke and I already feel it. Today I don't care about calories, tonight I'd just rather be dead.
I wish I could drink the rest of my life away. Don't know if I will try to. And I just wish I could tell someone, anyone irl, about exactly everything. That they, whoever, could give me roughly an hour's attention and I could just spill it all out. Without interruptions, that they would just listen. I talked to my mother yesterday, as I do everyday, a little about what's been going on. She said she didn't know what to say, but I told her that sometimes just being listened to is good enough. Don't know if she got that hint or not.
Two glasses down. I can already feel the world changing to a bitter darkness that I can at least tolerate. Cause darkness is all I see it just depends on how I feel towards it. Drinking could never let me see the light, if there even is such a thing, but it helps me cope with the dark. Darkness is such a vivid term for me, it can mean so much. It's good it's bad it's neither it's both. It just simply is. In my world, darkness is all I know. Even love is darkness in my world.
It's true that I've made up my mind on the question: life or death? I chose the latter but I can't reach it. Always knew that I would choose that in the end. Cause life was never even a choice to begin with. It was a pretty dream, but my dreams always shatter. And I'm so used to that shatter, it has become all that I'm made of. How can I go on? I have no dreams, I have no goals, I just want to die. My night is unending but I'll stop here for now.
Y, I've read your recent posts on tumblr and I just want to say that I fully understand your sort of absence, one can only deal with so much. It warms my heart that you're helping that girl and that it seems to be possible to sort it out some way or another. Take all the time, wine and cigarettes you need, I'm not really going anywhere. I'm still here, drinking, overthinking but not making any direct suicide attempt, other than my starvation that at the moment isn't going so well, as I've been well over 1000 calories a day for the last few days. Ugh, but still, I'm around and always keeping you updated.
Promised a translation for my Swedish poem on tumblr, so here it is:
I still love you
I dream myself away to another land
where love is stronger than any other band
I fall sleep but always wake up in the end
scratching tearing but never get out
It's making noise and tears me apart
I breathe but stop when life no longer holds me
my heart in shatter I still love you
and somehow I think you are aware
But I don't dare take the step and let you know
I'm looking for signs and can't stop searching
stop and smile in the sorrow that never ends
wonder if you hear my pitiful plea
I can't love and be loved in return
hear my words and hear them stumble
when spring arrives maybe I can
find the words for all we never had time for
While waiting, my patience is all I have
for all I dreamed all that never was
I fell and have fallen each day and night
maybe, maybe I will finally catch up
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