Just a thought, my shattered heart

If they get married, would then my last hope die? Would my heart shatter eternally? Is that the shatter I'm waiting for? I don't want to think about it, I've kept myself away from that thought for as long as I could now, but it just keeps creeping near me again and and again. I know of the possibility of it actually happening and it scares me endlessly. Just how badly it would destroy my world, cause then nothing would stand between me and death, absolutely nothing at all.

Then I'd fall, and fall forever. Of all the "what if's" I can ever imagine, that one hurts the most. I get panic attacks for less. Much less. Thinking about this sets my mind into some kind of overdrive and shuts me down. It's getting harder to breathe, harder to write. But on the outside I'm calm. It's just a thought. I know it won't likely happen tomorrow, or this year, but I don't know what the two of them could possibly be planning.

It makes me dizzy and overheated. My heart beating faster, but I can't move much. I've been trying so hard to fight away that thought, but knowing it would possibly be easier to deal with that reality if it comes if I've at least thought about it before first. But how much easier can I make it? I probably wouldn't survive getting such news. I'd tear my apartment to pieces, I'd scream and cry, I'd harm myself in every possible and imaginable way.

That, is one of my biggest fears, cause then I'd know exactly how chanceless I truly am and I'd have nothing left to hold on to. Cut the last string of hope and I'd do nothing but fall. It scares me cause it would be like losing him again. It scares me cause my heart would drive me to suicide, not my mind. And once again its shatter would rule me. I don't want to tell them don't get married, I want to tell my heart stop falling for unavailable people.

I want for him to be happy and if that's a positive thing for him, as it should be, then I can't and I won't interfere with it in any way. But I wouldn't be able to push back my tears any longer. I wouldn't be able to control my heart. If I'm awaiting true destruction, then that could be it. Then I would have learned enough about love, then I'd want it no more. It would be the end of me, for definite.

I'll give him my truth someday either way, I want for him to know that at least for the past 2,5-3 years he was always loved even in his darkest hours. And I want for him to know that no matter what I just want what's best for him and for him to be with who he loves. I wouldn't be able to just leave without letting him know all that. I hope that this isn't the shatter I'm awaiting, but it might as well turn out that way.