Drowning in nightmares

I feel so renewed, so open minded and free. At last, sleep on my own terms. I'm dancing with my subconscious monsters and let them ravage me. To speak a little less in metaphors, I deliberately threw myself into various nightmares and just let my mind have at it. Damn... I was only in bed for about an hour, but it felt like a whole night. But I'm taking back control over my own mind, as I smile in dreams of torture and what not. It felt like I was drowning in the darkest of waters, falling free, losing all control. I've never felt anything so deliberating.

I just really needed a cigarette break now though, really. Still physically exhausted but I feel so awake now. My mind can't own me, I'm gonna keep doing this until my nightmares are at my service. They hardly even scare me anymore. Ugh, it's been over 24 hours since I last got any real, decent sleep. Just waiting to get tired enough for bed again. I'll get back to you on this later on, now I'm gonna try and see what next my subconscious can give me. Although I can't say I'm not wishing for some sound dreamless sleep for I don't know maybe 50 years?

Urgh... that one word would sum it all up now at 7:30 and the night is officially over. I woke up fucking constantly from various dreams one more disturbing than the other. In one of them, that lasted for quite long, I was in a romantic relationship with an eight year old boy. Everything included... nope, my subconscious sure has no sense of right and wrong, at all. It just goes on and on. And all I can do is sigh, somewhat relieved that the night is finally over.

For I mean, my conscious mind do know that is wrong and now it's gonna fuck with me for the rest of the day. Most likely. In that dream, I was really, I mean really in love with that boy. Not saying I can't take having had that stupid dream, but it is mindfucking and it will tear me apart nonetheless. Nothing is off limits in my dreams, apparently. Absolutely everything is there, an yes, I know it is there because I've thought it before.

And my yesterday having been so chaotic and exhausting, it's not so weird at all that it affected my dreams at night. But come on, I just want to rest, be fucking put to rest. Still haven't decided about school today, it could be good it could get bad. And I just don't know if it's worth the risk or if staying at home would be a better option. Okay I've decided, no school, I can't handle it.