I remember back to last summer, last time I was on the main land and saw K. I don't think I ate a single thing during those two days I spent in his presence, and that was before my eating disorder. I do look back on that memory with some difficulty. It was nice, parts of it, but I felt so lost and out of place.
I couldn't connect with people, hardly even with K. And there were lots of people there, people who are still trying to add me on facebook. Did I make an impression? I hardly said anything. I couldn't get up that hill and he grabbed my hand to help me up. That I hold on to. He's always been so considerate of me and accepting of my flaws. I can't help but admire that. But something did feel very off about that time last summer. Nothing I had done, but there was a lot of tension in the air that I'm not gonna go into with you.
It sent chills down my spine, I felt inadequate, out of place, like I needed to be there but couldn't. The hours before the party were the best, that night when I arrived. When it was just him, me and some other guy whom I thought was alright. I've never been much for crowds, and especially unfamiliar crowds. But I was there, for two nights. And I breathed carefully as I slept on a mattress on the floor in the same room as him. So technically, I've been sharing room with him for three night altogether. But even still, our distance felt so strong.
Like I just wanted to reach out, talk to him, tell him everything but there was a lump in my throat and ice in my stomach. And it was never the right time. How I craved his touch so much I felt like I was dying inside. I still do. And I fear there will never come a right moment. All I need is to see him in person and that it's just the two of us. How hard can it be to arrange that? God knows I've tried for two and a half years.
One last time I'll have to try, and tell him it's incredibly important if I have to. And really stress just how incredibly important it is. I think, and hope, that we're both past abandoning each other in hard times now. But, if my end comes too damn near and I can't arrange that, I'd tell him in any way that I can. Even if it is just a text message. Cause that's better than nothing. When it comes right down to it, it is better than never letting him know. Cause I just can't die without letting him know, I just can't.
And suddenly I'm torn. Cause I do want to get back to Dala and Caspian, but now... I want to be with K so much more. I love him more than I miss Dala. Fucking cruel heart, you tear me asunder. But maybe I'd still somehow, be able to be closer to him after my death. If I'm not bound to this world anymore. I could still never feel his touch though, cause that could only possibly happen as long as I'm alive. I want to be able to stay for him, I want it so badly, my heart in pieces for a love I can never have.
I said I'll wait for him forever, I do remember even if you don't. But how long is forever anyway? Is it one lifetime, or one existence? Will I wait for him in my heaven? Will I just keep on waiting wherever I end up hoping to see him again and for the timing to be right? What if it never will be? I'm so lost and it hurts everywhere. I don't want to live cause I can't be with him, and I don't want to die cause I don't want to be separated from him. Either way I'll lose, either way I can never win. And I'm tired of this game. I just want a rest.
To not feel anything anymore. For anyone or anything. To literally cease to exist. Evaporate, burn to cinder, dissipate. Kill my soul, for it has damned and cursed me so much. I no longer want to be anywhere at all. And I have no one, to love and who would love me back. Mutual love, it's all I ever wanted, it's all I never got. And isn't it sad, that the only time I had that, was with my psycho ex-boyfriend? The one who hurt me and made me swear to myself that it could get a hell of a lot better than that. And it never did.
My sadness is tearing me apart, I've been drowning in it for days and endless nights now. It never stops devouring me. And I have tears behind my eyes that can't run over. I feel the pressure but can't release it. What does crying help, anyway. It only leaves me feeling hollow and cold. And curse my magic and curse my flame, I never wanted to live and look where it got me?
I'm dying from the inside and out. The more I realise, the more insights, I just want to end it all. Cause there's just too much pain and this is too much. I feel I'm on the verge of doing something drastic tonight. No idea what yet though, and don't think I should tell you even if I knew. I'm inconsolable, breathing frost and hurt everywhere inside. But it's just pain, it's just thoughts and feelings. I still know, if I close my eyes and let myself go for a moment, that in the end, everything is gonna be alright.
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