Reaching out, reaching in

I'm reaching out to K, not knowing if he'll accept my offer to just talk or anything. I care about his well being more than I miss him tonight, so it's a selfless act, more or less. I'd accept if he's not up for talking or anything, just leaving the offer there. Want for him to know that I care and want the best for him. He matters more to me than life itself, than death, than Dala, than anything. Tonight I live for him. There's something haunting about that last picture, I see fear, it sends shivers down my spine.

And somehow I feel how lost he feels, or I think so. Not because I feel it to, but it's something else. Something I cannot put into words. I'll keep my senses as sharp as I can, being half drunk by now. I'm just there for him, in every way I can. It's not much, but it's something. I won't be forceful, I won't demand anything at all. I got one reply, if that's all I get, I know my distance.

But yes, I'll keep an eye out, and an ear, I even changed my online status on skype just in case. Even anything, just in case. I really do need someone, if not K anyone, but no one's really available but I do have my vodka. It's almost like a substitute, or at least I try to pretend that it is. My worth in alcoholic drinks, is that all I am?

No of course it isn't. I know that much, I do. But please know that sometimes I speak in metaphors that even I can't understand. My own words are beyond me. Finally I feel the vodka, finally I can somewhat cope. I don't feel suicidal tonight, but I feel out of reach, useless and out of touch. And I just need and want and need some more. Wishing for a low key conversation on skype or facebook or tumblr or wherever. Something that can last a few hours. Although, if it's only discussing the weather, school, work or the traffic I'm really not gonna be up for it. I need to go deeper than that, but I don't feel like worrying people with my state of mind.

Perhaps just imagining whatever conversation can be enough tonight, or having one with Anna. After all, I'm never alone with her. It's a comfort, sometimes it really is. Cause in that sense, I haven been alone for 17 years, and I hardly even remember what being alone before then felt like. I hardly ever felt truly lonely though, before the age of 9, that came much later.

But oh K, you're definitely in my thoughts tonight. As if any night passes by without my thoughts being on you, but you readers know what I mean. I really do think about him and his well being far before my own. And of course I know he hasn't been well for a long time, but I still wish for him to someday be. If it's something, anything I can do I'm up for it, so fucking up for it no matter what it is (no fucking matter what) but I sincerely doubt it would be that simple.

The power of the mind is too strong, I know that all too well. I wish that hugs and cute messages could heal him, but I also know what a cruel place reality is and there's no escape from it no matter what I do. All I can do is just be there, offer everything I have and stay true to my promises. And I will and I do and I have for 2,5 years now. I always keep what I promise and promise what I keep but I just feel so... inadequate. Petty human being trying to do what possibly only gods can. If even they can.

My beliefs keep me from the reality I try to escape but still try to face it whenever it's anything regarding him. I know I can't and won't escape that reality. I won't ever try to drink his problems away, I won't ever turn away from them. No, on the contrary, I stare them right in the eye and face them with all I've got. Anything to help him, to be there as much as he allows me to.

But I'm just a friend, a distant bystander too many fucking hundred miles away. I wish our distance didn't mean so much, that we could reach some kind of breakthrough. I know I can never be with him the way I want to, but I just want... I don't know, for the distance to not hurt so much. I have to see him again, at least just one more time, and it doesn't matter if it would be yay party and happy feelings, or me desperately trying to comfort him in the hardest of times.

I'll try to time in my visit as good as I can, or at least try and find a time when he'd even want to see me. It haunts me, thinking maybe there won't be any more real life visits. I'm trying to hold on for him, I'm trying to be strong, but drink myself to half insanity just to cope. Opting for drinking a whole bottle of vodka in just one night, but I won't make it.

I've literally worn the same clothes since Friday morning, slept in them and everything. I don't know where this lighter comes from, did I buy it? When? And I played WoW until about two hours ago, got my second blood elf monk to level 60 before I got tired of the entire game. It's so useless against these feelings and I just can't stay within that game, as I keep drifting to someplace darker. Much darker.

And I've never been afraid of the dark, not even as a child. I feared a lot of things, my phobias were plenty and intense, but darkness wasn't one of them. Sometimes I feared what could possibly hide in it though, but not all the time. And I remember running from my bed in the middle of the night needing to pee all the way through the second floor down to the vestibule, through the kitchen and the living room until I finally reached the bathroom in the house where I grew up. It was a nightmare and trying to not let the dogs into he kitchen or the cats into the vestibule on my way when I could just very barely hold it. The darkness was so thick in that house far from the rest of the civilisation but it never bothered me, only my stupid, impatient body and its always so desperate needs did. Never knew if I was gonna make it to the bathroom and sometimes I didn't and it still haunts me.

My childhood and teenage incontinence still haunts me but I never even knew why I had it. Although I've heard it around that sexual assault can cause that. But I don't think that's the case with me. Could be, but I don't think so. I think it's just my brain not being able to fully interpret my body's signals messing everything up. I think I had these problems since before that assault when I was 9, but it's likely it made everything worse. How can I know for sure. But yeah, I had those problems all the way up until my late teens, to when I was about 16 or 17 years old. Then I finally found a way to control my body.

Don't know why I'm telling you this, other than because it was on my mind and I'm not ashamed of it anymore. Cause people seem to think incontinence is the most embarrassing thing ever and I just don't even understand why. It's far more common than anyone seems to think, I believe almost everyone has experienced it one way or another. Just that I had it, I don't know from what age, but from early childhood until late teens. I think I know that's a fairly long time, but my mind and my body have always been weird.

K, you're still on my mind, and if it's any comfort, I don't know who I am either. But I hope, and I think, that if I just give it time, I will know eventually. I hope that the answer will come to you too, when you're ready for it. I don't know who you are, not truly, but whoever you are, I love with all of my heart and soul. Anything regarding your identity, nothing can scare me away. I truly mean that, nothing can scare me away.

I'll always be in your shadow, silently lingering, trying to watch over you. Without being too much of a creep (although I do doubt I've ever come across that way, but I still worry) I silently wish you all the best. And I try to imagine telling you everything, not knowing what your reaction is gonna be. But I'd try, to make sure you know you don't have to do be or do anything different. I've been in love with you for years, and I've never demanded anything, perhaps should be needless to say, but I'd probably say it anyway.

I'm just darkness and disaster tonight, but finally I'm getting drunk. I feel no need to end my life, as long as I have my vodka. I've lost count on how many drinks I've had, but maybe 5, 6 or 7? Somewhere around that. I have no plans on going to bed, I will when I feel the need to. I haven't cared about my sleep pattern for a long time now, it feels like forever. My shrink seems to think that's a good thing and I do understand her reasons, but everyone else (basically) disagrees, for various reasons.

Right, I'm not gonna make this a novel, I think I've gotten my point across, at least for now. I'm getting drunker but it hardly effects my reasoning ability. Not much at least, right? I mean, I haven't felt this bright minded in a long time. As if I just let go of myself somehow, I focus outwards to a world that doesn't seem to want me. Not anymore. But it's whatever, I'll still be around for at least a bunch of months. I don't fret, I don't take it negatively, people will see me eventually. All I need to do is to remain seen.