My heart is pounding, don't know why. Woke up past bedtime, feeling dizzy. I'm thinking too much, I'm barely awake. Literally slept the whole day away, my mother woke me up at 21:05 with a phone call. Fell asleep around 2:00 or 3:00 so that's 18-19 hours.
I can't remember much of yesterday, to be honest. I think the vodka took care of that. I drank about a 5th of the bottle. I had 1306 calories yesterday, which to me is practically insane. Today I'm gonna stick to at most 500, for as long as I'm awake at least. Don't know when I'll go to bed again, but it won't be soon.
Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my eating disorder, the date I got my diagnosis. I suck at remembering dates, but that one I remember. Did the alcohol somehow affect my heart? Cause it's kinda crazy right now. I'm still wearing yesterday's make-up and I must say this foundation is rather amazing. In about a week I'll buy a darker one, like I've planned to for a long time now, but money is always an issue.
Second cup of coffee, I need to wake up a little more before I dive into your words. Ice Ages' music keeps me under the surface, where I want to be. Thinking about having my blood tests taken soon increases my heart rate. My mother said she's gonna go with me to make sure I get out of bed, but I really don't want her there. Don't want her to see my bare (thin) arms when they put in the needle, is that silly of me?
And I just want to get as thin as possible until then, don't know how much weight I could lose in 1-2 weeks. With these cravings and what not. I've wasted a couple of weeks already, by trying to fast when I couldn't. So, gonna try to go back to what I did during most of October, by fasting 3 days a week and eating 4, whether I'm at school or not. So, eating today, tomorrow and then try and begin another fast on Friday. Fast until Monday, then eat until Friday again and keep doing that.
Always stick to under 500 calories per day. It should make me lose at least a couple of kilo per week. I don't even remember when I was gonna have those blood tests taken, I might only have one week. Cause I remember my mother said it was gonna be on a Wednesday, at least. I just closed my eyes for literally 10 seconds and started dreaming. How the fuck...? I don't even know.
I didn't even take my sleeping meds early this morning, I just slept for 18 hours on vodka. Don't know if I'll drink again tonight, it all depends on my mood. Probably won't manage school anyway tomorrow, cause I most likely will not manage to sleep any more before then. And I don't like Wednesdays anyway. I'm a mess too complicated for school. I can't eat right, can't sleep right and now I'm drinking too.
Not sure I'll go down the path of alcoholism again though after just one night of drinking. I really don't know. But I can't afford it and the calories are still an issue for me. There will likely only be one day of school this week for me, cause I just keep messing it up. Drinking a 5th of vodka on a Monday, like what was I thinking? That meeting sure messed me up.
If only they knew... exactly what a mess I am. My eating disorder, my latest suicide attempt, drinking, slow suicide... I've got more on my list but I can't think of much more right now. I think I'm fairly functional despite all of that though. I mean, it could be much worse. I actually do get my ass to school at all.
Anna: go fix that chicken.
Me: I don't want to, don't feel like it.
Anna: what do you feel like then?
Me: drinking, over thinking.
Anna: so go do that then.
Yeah, I'll do that. I feel like having more pizza but all the stores and restaurants are closed. I had that yesterday, found a decent capricciosa at the grocery store. It said it only had 370 calories but I didn't trust that number at all. Just the bread/crust would have been around 300 calories. And then there was cheese, ham, mushrooms, spices and tomato sauce. Likely at least twice as much in calories than what was stated on the box.
Still I wrote down 370 calories consumed in my book. But I want more of it. I had 4 meals yesterday yet I could easily finish that whole pizza. My stomach has become a bottomless pit. That I rarely do try to fill, but still. I'm at my 5th drink and have less than a 4th of the vodka left. I think each drink is about 50 cl of vodka and 150 cl of diet coke. Now I'm making eggs, cause I'm still hungry and who gives a fuck about calories anyway. I'll fast tomorrow, I will. I might even purge this meal, as long as I can eat and eat and eat I'll purge anything.
Maybe it's the drunkenness causing me into some kind of food overdrive. Or I've just been starving for too damn long. Cause I usually don't get any kind of hunger when I'm drunk, it's rather the opposite. But I don't feel hunger, it's something else that I can't quite explain. Alright, that's the largest fucking salad I've ever tried to eat and it completely defeated me. After 6 alcoholic drinks tonight, I'm now out of diet coke and have nothing to mix the vodka with. And no, I can't drink it plain, I just won't do that.
So I guess that's it with the drinking for tonight. And I know of people who have lived with their eating disorders for over 20 years, will I become like them? God, I hope not. There's only so much misery that I can take. I'm starting to cold sweat now. Guessing that no water plus alcohol plus purging isn't so good for my body. Yet I just keep at it. I might drink for 3 nights to empty that bottle of vodka but then that's it, at least for this month.
It's 6:11 am and I feel like taking Imovane and just sleep it all away. Instead I've got puke in my mouth that won't wash away and barbwire in my thoughts that wont stop tearing everything apart. And I can't stop coughing up disgusting stuff, I don't know what to do with myself for the rest of the night, and the following day. Maybe I'll stay awake until the stores open so I can buy more soda and maybe some sugar free lemonade cause anything is better than tap water.
The emptiness washes over me once again. Half of me forgot that's usually what happens when I purge, I just can't go back to my previous train of thought no matter what. So I'm back here again, thinking if I should have more coffee or not. Right, I don't claim to understand how certain people are wired. One of the crew was just here and said I have "ugly men" on my computer screen and truth be told, I was very offended but didn't know if she meant Vargyl or K. Then she pointed out Vargyl and I just realised that maybe green goblins aren't everyone's cup of tea.
But then I don't know how half the population is even remotely thinking cause I only know my own brain. And in that brain of mine, Vargyl is like the second hottest individual I know of. But I can't tell the crew that, and besides, it's none of their fucking business! Vargyl always will have been my favourite hallucination and sometimes I do miss him to bits. I did love him too. So yeah, having random people invading my privacy and commenting on how ugly they think he is does offend me. Not that they would ever understand, and not that I would ever try to explain, but still.
It's time to start a new document for November 11th since this will be my choice for that splice, so gonna try to end this entry now. Letting a cup of tea help me sober up before I go to the grocery store for some hungover food or something. I crave chocolate and simpler chicken salad so might buy some at the salad bar. Not that I can afford it but who cares. And more pizza. Store opens in 30 minutes, or if it's 1 hour and 30 minutes, I can't remember.
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