Sending you some strength

Y, I can't help but write to you but please know you're in no obligation to reply. I know you're in a difficult time right now with the woman you're helping and I do know what you mean when you say you would have caved in days ago. I think you really care about her and your friendship seems special in my eyes. I really do hope it turns out well for her in the end, or at least as well as can be expected. Of course I don't know her but I know you and for your sake I hope everything turns out for the better. I've read, not all, but most of your posts about your current situation and I'd like to send as much strength as I can your way. I hope you know I mean that.

It does take a toll on me yes, but mostly just because I care about you. Of course I wish you were more with me somehow, but I also need you to know that you should do what you need and want to do, I won't disappear from you. I appreciate you thinking about me though, I really do. But I don't want you feeling bad for not being there for me as directly right now. I know on some level you are there for me. Even right this second. That I'm in your thoughts and in your heart.

You're in my thoughts and heart too, even though it might be different, I want you to know I'm not giving up or letting go that easily. I might want to die almost 24/7 but I'm not going anywhere as of now. I've admitted defeat, I know I won't find a "good enough" suicide method for a while and I do plan to live at least until the end of this year. At least. Then I do somewhat plan to at least try to make it until my 27th birthday in April next year. I know I should. For a lot of reasons and not just to reassure you.

My thoughts go out to you tonight, (and to K, but you know I'm capable of reaching out to you both.) I just hope you get through this difficult time and that you'll be able to recharge your batteries eventually, I think you definitely will need that too. You are on my mind, every day, and you're in my heart too. And I really do appreciate you giving me and the rest of tumblr updates on what's going on. It means a lot, and I think you will pull through this, you're stronger than you think. But I also know that that strength needs to be recharged sometimes, as I work the same way, which I think you're aware of by now, but still, that strength is still there. I believe in you, and I'll still be here when you get back.