Conflicted contradiction

I just dreamed and thought about my favourite among my family's cats until I suddenly remembered that he's gone and it just started to uncontrollably hurt all over inside me. I can't deal with this day. It's been too long and too painful and god I just wish I had more pills. Thinking of stealing a bottle of something at my parents' place when next I visit. Like I think they have my old Sobril which would be a delight if there's a bunch left of those. Probably not enough to kill me, but if it could just numb me up for an evening or so that would be great.

And I lose my reasons a little more each day, I can't hold on. His lips against mine one day is the only thing I can hold on to. "Dying swans, twisted wings, beauty not needed here..." I listen to Iron Maiden and shiver all over. I forget how to breathe between cigarette drags and hope I can die from some kind of intoxication. But unfortunately, hoping doesn't hurt me.

It's tearing me to pieces tonight. All that I'm feeling, thinking, trying to believe. And I've almost forgotten what kissing someone even feels like. It's been so long. So many years. Since I really, really felt it, I mean. The way kissing is supposed to feel like. Yeah, I'm still torturing myself with staring at that picture. And apparently I can't wait for the spring with trying to end my life, apparently I'm just hurting too damn much.

But still I somehow look forward to the spring, feeling the warmth of the sun again, going to Uppsala, seeing K again. Yet, I can't stay alive for it to happen. So much conflict and contradiction. Still looking for that quick fix. Still I cannot endure my own life. I just want for the world to stop spinning. I don't want to die alone, but every living creature on Earth dies alone.

This night is endless. My day was longer than 24 hours, counting from around 19:00 o'clock yesterday when I woke up. "Hope will die, my soul will fly, and I will live forever" Iron Maiden sings and maybe I somehow want to believe that. Not literally of course though. I'm still chain smoking, I always do these days. Not that this is the most interesting blog entry ever, but it's what's on my mind right now. Scattered thoughts here and there, some sad, others sadder.

Holy crap, literally drinking mouthwash to get rid of the taste of Theralen was not a good idea. I think my mouth is dying. Have to get more menthol cigarettes, uhuh. Okay it's getting a little better now, but I'm still grimacing. This ugly grin is now my smile... more lyrics. It twists and turns in my stomach. No idea if Theralen will work without food. I guess I've really got nothing to lose. Except from maybe my taste buds. Yuck. 150 ml again, I really can't drink more than that. Although I can still stand up on 200 ml. I've got such high resistance these days it's crazy.

Like my mother told me that my sister tried Mirtazapine for her sleep problems and on the dose I take she slept for days. I hardly even notice anything on the same dose. And I take Lergigan too and sometimes Imovane as well. Sometimes not even all 3 of those at the same time is enough to knock me out. Then I take another Imovane if I'm desperate enough, but more than that I really can't take. Unless I want to sleepwalk again, which I kinda don't.

Most meds don't have much effect on me anymore. I've been on meds for a decade now after all, gotten used to them, most kinds. I'm feeling slightly sick, and I don't know if it's the drug or the mouthwash. I didn't drink that much of it. Ah, here's the effect now, along with feeling sick. Still better than nothing though. Oh god, it feels like my stomach is gonna turn inside-out soon. I hope it won't. Hope this just passes. Word of advice: don't fucking drink mouthwash. Cause I don't think my stomach liked that at all.

Why did I even do that? I ask my stupid self. I really didn't drink that much, I should be okay. But damn my stomach hurts and I feel sick. Maybe it being empty doesn't really help either. I've got no food to eat. Maybe a little bit of chicken and pasta but that's literally all. Guess I'll have some of that. Ugh my fasts are not going so well. This time I'll purge though, maybe get some order to my digestive system. I don't know, but somehow I think food can help. Although it will take me roughly half an hour to cook that chicken.

Although I'm not afraid of dying, I'm never really opting for getting salmonella. Besides, I don't think raw chicken would taste that well. Or raw meat in general, but since I've never tried I guess you'll never know. 734 calories were in that meal... that's just insane. For some chicken, pasta and curry sauce. That sauce alone was over 400 calories though. But it's all coming back up again so I don't really care. I so easily become so careless with that.

I think I'll just go back to restricting again cause this fucking sucks. I just can't fast right now. All I end up with is binging and purging. That feel when you're done purging exactly 0:00 o'clock. I returned to zero. It does feel a bit like a shut down, or even perhaps a restart of some kind. I wish I had some booze, to just get insanely drunk and disappear into that haze for a little while. Maybe I'll buy some vodka and diet coke tomorrow. I have school on Tuesday, I don't care.

It reeks of vomit in here now, it reeks from my mouth. But I don't really care about that either. I'll smoke it away. I'll think it away, I'll feel it away. Cause nothing ever lasts except from my sadness and love. They blend together, the two opposite emotions, into a thick, sticky mass. It sticks everywhere and to everything. Like glue I can't get it off. Perhaps I don't even want to. For I love my sadness and loving makes me sad. Maybe they're two sides of the same emotion. Heads and tails.

"Tell me you would live for this and I would die for you." If only things were that simple. I still imagine early morning autumn walks and kisses in the rain. I still imagine coffee at a cosy cafe and long intense conversations about anything imaginable. I think soon I've imagined it all. Every possible conversation I could have with him. I dream of that cheap, low key romance to one day spread my wings. Just to be with him, I cannot bear eternity without him.

I wish for it to just all go black when I die. It would simplify things, if I just ceased to exist. But something tells me I'm not gonna. What I really wouldn't tolerate is being thrown into yet another useless life like this one. I'd scream with my entire soul, I'd end that life as quickly as fucking possible. Keep trying until the right thing happens. I've suffered enough.

It doesn't hurt as much looking at that picture anymore. Perhaps because what's tearing me apart is bigger than that. I'm trying to write a super complicated poem to/about K with song lyrics from various songs that he has sent me before. If he get's it, he will get it. Don't even know if he reads my poems anymore though. Don't know how active he really is on tumblr. Would I even want for him to find out that way? I don't even know.

Oh Caspian, I do still love you, but it's like my soul isn't big enough for both you and K. I cannot stay, no matter how I twist and turn it, there is no winning for me. Not here, there never was. I can't go to sleep while dancing a slow dance with K, imagining whispering sweet things to each other like new couples often do. I cannot sleep with that ravaging through my exhausted mind. I have to try, I have to.