Invisible suicide

I dreamed about my eating disorder again this night, but I don't remember the details. Slept from about 2:00 to 16:00 so I guess I was tired. My weight was 56,0 kg when I got up. It's going down, but oh so slowly. My heart races for no reason again. For every reason. No idea how to tackle school tomorrow, if I can even get out of bed.

And finally October is over. It must have been the longest fucking month in my entire life. I have no real plans for November, but to starve even more. But no concrete plans on exactly how or anything. I guess I'll just take it as it comes. It's nearly two months until Christmas, I have to get thinner, yet I'm slowly losing hope. I want to weigh at most 50 kg by then, that's 6 kg to lose. I don't know if I can get there but it shouldn't be too hard.

I had to explain to my shrink why I don't want to go back to the psych ward, why going back there isn't an option anymore. She thought that I thought it was helping me to be there. She couldn't have been more wrong.

I can't stop stretching and yawning, my limbs feel wrong. Like my legs just want to run, but my body is too heavy for me to carry them. Maybe I'll sit on that roof one day, with no intention to jump? I hope I can go around it somehow. I've heard so many horror stories about people jumping and surviving it. And I know I'm a survivor, I survive almost anything.

That if starvation doesn't work, if I get forced into hospitals or whatever, I'll think of something else I haven't tried before. I convinced my shrink that I "wasn't gonna do any suicide attempts before spring" keeping her unaware of this suicide attempt that I'm already doing. It's my most invisible attempt ever. I wonder how far I can take it.

Maybe I will go unnoticed, or start a circus of worried faces telling me to please eat more, I do not know. Depends on how much damage I've already done. And of how much longer I can hide it. Switching music to Alice Cooper and drinking more coffee. My stomach hurts because of how empty it is, I cannot allow myself food today. Barely have anything at home anyways.

Only just hoping my sugar lumps will be enough in quantity until I can get more of them tomorrow. Gotta need to summon some kind of heap of energy by then to go to the grocery store. My fridge is so empty now, all I have in it is oat milk, chocolate oat milk, coconut drink, expired margarine, a little bit of lettuce, a protein shake, expired can soup and salad dressing. Oh, and two expired eggs and a box of expired yogurt. So that's not very much edible stuff in there.

Suddenly I feel even more tired, what's wrong with my coffee? And I remember the one time I went out dragging as female after my transition, at a night club in Uppsala. It was the safest of party environments and all I did was confuse my friends there. It was fun, but it got complicated when a hot guy who didn't know me started hitting on the there. I didn't like him as a person so eventually I did decline his offer, or what to say. It would have been too complicated.

That was before my top surgery and I hadn't been on hormones very long. Although, my voice was deep and it got me wondering how he didn't even seem to notice that. I used the name Lydia. I guess some men just see and hear what they want to. I did spend most of this summer doing drag in my own apartment, perfecting my drag look but it fucked so much with my mind that I eventually just stopped. I couldn't deal with the emotional chaos it put me in, so I stuffed away my make-up, bras, corsets, skirts and my wig, saved out my beard again and didn't look back.

I don't even know why it messed so much with my perception of my gender, but it did. I'd rather just stay on the masculine/androgynous side and leave my feminine side somewhere deep inside of me. I feel safer that way, in this society, in this body of mine. That somehow not being myself fully makes me feel more certain of who I am, I can't do that math but that's the way it is.

I'm not saying I'll never do drag again, but for now at least, I've put that part of myself behind. Stuffed it into a drawer. So it's stuffed away, but not thrown away. I have a hard time accepting it, understanding it and letting it spread its wings. Afraid of where they could take me. To a point where I might even regret my transition, I think that's what I fear the most. But if I just sit back and let myself feel whatever I feel, I don't regret it.

Then I'm just disappointed that transitioning couldn't take me further than it did. Change me more, make me look less androgynous and more masculine. I've always envied guys, men, who look undeniably masculine but look awesome wearing androgynous/feminine clothes. That's where I've always wanted to be, not stuck in the opposite way. Where my clothes determine how well I pass.

And passing only became important when I couldn't pass in my own eyes. When the person I see in the mirror is still ambiguous, still to me appears half male, half female. My body is in between. My mind is not. And I know I'll probably never see myself as done transitioning as long as my body to me appears half female. It's not where I want to be, I'm only halfway. And I did start losing more weight than what's considered healthy as some kind of last resort.

I know I can never like my body at a healthy weight or above. It's not certain I can even like it if underweight, but it is my last resort, it's the only thing I can do. But I know my dream of having a body I can stand or even like, is far unreachable. I just don't have the genes, the money or the mind for it. If I'll look the way I want to at a very low BMI, I wouldn't be able to see it because of my eating disorder.

I know it's a losing game, but I can't stop, not before I actually know. I need to be there, at that low BMI to be able to tell if I lost the game or not. If the dream is impossible or not. Half the time I feel like just giving up, but then it's like I actually already have. I don't know for sure, I mean some days I don't know if I starve for thinness or death. It's both of course, but which is highest of my priorities?

It's like I don't even care which happens first. Cause sometimes I've just given up all the hopes in the world and my world just shatters and there's nothing but shatter. I see no future, I'm just pretending when I'm at school. They say, imagine this and that will happen, or where would you want to be, ten years from now? Five years? Or how about just one year? Dead, dead and dead.

I pretend to care, I pretend to want a future at all. They would never know the real me. They see me as insecure, shy, not knowing myself very well, they see me as though I'm a stranger to myself. All because I can't tell them about my future. How I see it, what I believe in so strongly I can't even think in another direction. And my starved mind spins off on the lies, embellishes them, creates beliefs I don't even have.

Will they ever know, the real me? All the darkness I try to hide from them, my cruel reality that has an end next spring? Maybe as I get closer to death and start actually feeling bad for keeping them in the dark. For letting them see me die without even knowing it. That every coffee they suggest I'll have is a meal-replacer and every walk they urge me to have is to burn off calories I haven't eaten. Am I saying they're helping me to die? God no, but if only they knew what's going through my mind.

I can barely walk at this point. Had to hold on to furniture on my way to and back from the bathroom, just to take a leak cause I'm drinking a lot of coffee. My heart beats faster about once an hour before it slows down again. I'm just so damn exhausted I'll probably go to bed earlier than usual with Imovane tonight as well. Or without Imovane, I don't know, if I'll even need it.

My nightmares and all that shit can't scare me into not sleeping, for crying out loud I can't even stay awake for more than a few hours at a time. Barely even that. I'm still yawning, too tired to carry myself to the bathroom. Soon I might not even have the strength to go to the grocery store. More coffee, I'm falling asleep. My body is giving up, I feel like my body is just giving up.