Nothing I can do

Woke up a million times tonight, got out of bed two of those times, but ultimately managed to sleep for around 13 hours altogether, give or take a few. Now my mother is here, cleaning up the worst of the mess in my apartment. Okay, she's left now. I've been drawing a bit just now and my half transforming demon boy is coming together. Only got the legs and feet left to colour, and then the background of course too.

I feel weird today, like sort of clear and dizzy. As if too much caffeine but I've only had one cup so far today. I'm tired at the same time too. I still worry about K but try to not let it get too me too much. It would only bring me down, if I did that. So I'm taking a slight distance, why shouldn't I? It's not like he even wants to talk to me, again. It's not that I'm actually bummed about his silence, I just worry and feel inadequate. That I can't reach out, it causes a lot of frustration.

But I also know that I, and so many others, work the same way. To want to draw back from human contact when not feeling so good. So I can't blame him for not wanting to talk to me, and I don't. I just wish he would need me, I wish there was anything I could do, but there's obviously nothing. I believe though, that the best way of handling that situation is by keep giving him all the time he needs to come around. I know he hasn't entirely abandoned me, but temporarily he has.

So I keep waiting for him to come to me. Keep hoping for the better days and for them to somehow, someday, stay with him. And I know that it's hopeless dreaming, but it feels like really the only thing I can do, to keep him in my thoughts and heart, keep just being there for him and available at all times without uttering words. He's my main priority so yes, I would literally drop everything for him if or when he comes back to me. He's a mess, but I really do love him. Not despite of that, but including that.

I don't mean that I love his suffering, of course, but I do mean that I love all that is him, including darkness and chaos. And if not else, it's something that we have in common. So I believe that makes it easier for me to love those parts of him too, cause they're not always so different from my own such parts. I think it also helps with me trying to help him, that my own darkness helps to know what kind of support would be worthwhile.

Just knowing what phrases to say should be avoided and what actions too. Like, what kind of support would I want? Then that helps in other aspects too, that I know him at least fairly well.

I've run out of words. I just feel so damn uncomfortable in my skin. Suddenly I thought about M, or one of all the people I've known who's name starts with an M. And it just hit me that maybe he could never be with me or like me as a guy. When we met, I had just come out of the closet and didn't pass very well. But I started passing better when I went on hormones for the first time during 2010 and it didn't seem to bother him.

What eventually broke off our intimate relationship was that he got a girlfriend who was not okay with us snogging. I remember our last kiss was forbidden and it got her really mad. I didn't even know, cause they told me afterwards. I don't even know why I suddenly got the idea that he "dumped" me because of my gender identity. But he was/is more or less straight and everyone around me was worried about that. The two of us being so intimate and it clashing with his sexual orientation.

It's not unusual for me. I was with quite a few straight men even after I came out of that closet and started on hormones. To me it never mattered, as long as they respected me and my body they could call themselves whatever they wanted. I was in love with him however, not very deeply, but still in love. I wanted much more than he was prepared to give me. He's a few years older than me but not that many, I believe he turned 32 or if it was 34 this year. We were on the same wave length, but didn't have all that much in common.

I remember at one point I almost forced him to go on a date with me, outside of the party world, after I had stated that we never saw each other if it wasn't at parties. I saw him sober and not at a party only a handful of times during those two or so years that we knew each other. Mostly we just kissed and snogged. Sometimes we talked too but it was much more of the former. Sometimes I just miss it, but not that much. I was angry at him for just suddenly breaking off whatever it was that we had, completely without warning.

This is just me having trouble letting go of my past. It still lingers and haunts me. Now I'm getting myself drunk again for no reason, for every reason. I'm still torn apart about K, I still don't know what to do, but sometimes I tend to kinda forget about it, but then it comes back to me again.