Yes I know, Y

Y, I believe time will come if I'll ever be ready to be shattered like that. Perhaps I don't need to be ready, but I feel as though it might kill me in the process. That I'm not strong enough, but I try to not give up. When giving up is all I've done through most of my life, it's hard not to.

Are you saying I won't kill myself eventually, or did I misinterpret? I cannot know entirely for sure, but I've always known that's the way I'm heading, been heading my whole life. That it's just a matter of time.

I don't know what I believe in anymore, but I think it's somehow important for me to let go of my beliefs, take them for what they are: possibilities - not facts. I'm not saying I shouldn't believe in anything, just that I need to step aside and see what's around them. Look at them objectively, question them.

And then decide if they're worth holding on to. I'm still miserable since my latest suicide attempt, but I'm starting to see things a little bit clearer now. I know what I have to go through, and even though I thought I could die, somewhere inside of me I knew it wasn't gonna work. Because it wasn't my time yet.

I hope I am coming closer, but I think it's gonna take some time. I have a lot to go through, inspect and analyse every angle of. I have no doubt that I will go through death alive like you wrote, and I know it will be worth it too. In the end I will understand what I right now cannot grasp.

Right now, I'm not planning on anything. I might do more suicide attempts later on, but I might also not. I always find a way to keep surviving after an attempt, it's just that it doesn't work in the long run. So ultimately I need to find better ways. But I'm not even looking for any such.

I'm letting go of what binds me to this world, I'm letting my soul rule and reign. I don't know where it will take me or how far, but I'm still counting the days. And one day I think I will reach that ultimate breaking point. I'm not pushing for it, but I am waiting for it.

I'd still rather die than live, but the choice doesn't seem to be mine. At least I finally did make a choice. My perception of love is in a constant change, so I have no doubt it will continue doing so. You should have seen me the first few months after I fell for K and compare it to now. My perception of love for other people (non-romantic love) has also that changed.

And when I do get torn into particles, I do hope that you'll be there. Somehow you understand me much better than most people I know, but then that isn't an easy thing to compare. I think I'm once again ready for more insights and awakening, just needed a break and that I got.

And I do think that for every time an insight breaks me down like that, the better I become at handling new ones. That it increases my tolerance, so to say.

I wonder what I will become, and what you will become on your journey. I find that interesting for me too. Not just my own journey matters, yours does too. Perhaps you already knew that I think that, but I just thought I'd mention. Your words reassure me, provoke me and guide me along the way, I do appreciate that a lot. I feel safer again, now I can go on.