Sorrow and sadness

Oh my god, I'm so getting pizza today. I'm just mildly hungover, but still. I was dreaming about being awake afraid of falling asleep, right before I went up. Or was it the other way around? It was very confusing. Damn my head hurts. Not because of that, but in general. And suddenly I get a heat flush, or what to say. Could be because of eating in combination with coffee, or I don't know, feeling like shit in general.

It constantly smells like food in here, I can't fucking stand it. I'm waiting for that damn foundation to come so that I could like pick it up when going to the grocery store so I won't have to go twice, but I don't think it's gonna come today. I'll give it another hour, then I'm going whether it's come or not. Finally down to normal temperature again, which means I'm freezing. I'm never just warm enough, sigh.

Time for some Treo, my head is just hurting too much right now. Is it much, that I take painkillers about once every other week? It's usually for my head or my stomach, when it gets unbearable. Now just waiting for the effect... I had to lower the music volume for my damn headache. Can't it get better soon?

I think maybe my headache is finally starting to decrease now. Not by much though. It's only been about 15 minutes. Headache is so special though, isn't it? Compared to other physical pains, I mean. How it can cripple you so much. I know it's crippled me for the past 11 years. I need to go soon, before it gets dark. I don't want to though. But I have to, running out of cigarettes and I have nothing to eat or drink except coffee.

I'm never saving out my nails again, or at least I don't think so. All the attention I got for that before, about half a year ago, it was just insane. People have literally never been so confused about my gender before then, it just hit me really hard. So yeah, ultimately, this rotten society is deciding what I'm doing with my nails. So I keep them short and unpainted these days, although I wish I could have them really long and beautiful again. Like claws or vampire nails has always been my inspiration. But somehow people just see it as simply too damn feminine. I can't stand their shitty opinions.

So, there's that shopping out of the way. It's so cold outside now, the frost in the grass doesn't melt during the day. Finally managed to compose another poem, feels like it was ages ago. One of those abstract, not really directed at anyone, kind of poems. Just me spewing out words, basically. I'll soon eat again, but dragging it out. I'm feeling the sadness coming in waves today, some moments it's strong, others it's barely even there. But it feels heavy, like a thick cloak draped over me. A sorrow veil. Sorrow and sadness, they seem to tie together today.

Will soon have my pizza, I'll eat it from the box cause I have no clean plates. Haven't had that in ages, so I'll eat from anything these days. I've had most of my pizza, it was disappointing somehow. Now I'm just aching tiredness and sadness. Tired of constantly coughing today. And my nose keeps on running but I have no cold. It's just the way it is, and has been for a long time now. Longer than the headache even.

And it's been almost two weeks since I last let the crew in. My apartment is pretty gross and I just stopped caring. They can't scare me into better behaviour, obviously. They tried. They've tried a lot of things. And I'm scared to tell them exactly how much I don't care. How I just want to disappear into nothingness and be done with the whole world.

But there will likely not be any disappearance, not yet for a while at least, and I'm stuck in my mess. The actual and the figurative. I don't think I've ever let my apartment get this disgusting before, it's really horrible. But then again, the mess inside my head is quite horrible too. They reflect each other somehow. All those words I don't want to think about, I wish they would stop invading my head. That meeting, it was weeks ago now, I still can't let it go.

And it's a fact that my brain keeps reminding me of things people said months ago, years ago, even decades ago. Some words just never leave me. I just can't move on, I get stuck in time and it just repeats and repeats until forever. It's tiring, it causes anxiety and makes me want to die even more so that it would just stop. Sometimes I can't talk to people at all because I fear that what's being said will be stuck with me forever. My memory is taunting me.

I'm so thirsty but I still can't drink water. I think my dehydration has gotten even worse by now or I'm just hangover, I don't know. It takes longer for my body to recover from my drunkenness these days because I can't drink water. I still wonder when it will actually be damaging for my body, when it will take its toll and tip me over. It's bound to happen at some point, I can't keep going like this forever, can I? I'm getting some kind of dizzy-nauseous feeling all of a sudden, it's like a mix between the two and not very nice.

Suddenly I get this urge to just set everything on fire. I won't, of course, but still. That would take care of this awful smell at least. What a heart warming fantasy. To just set it all on fire, lean back with a cigarette and die either from the smoke or the flames. So tempting. It would illuminate some of all this never ending darkness. But I'll keep it as a fantasy, wouldn't want to kill my neighbours in the process anyway. Why drag them into my death?