Crumbling

I am so beyond exhausted right now don't even get me started. It's just too much of everything and everything just fucking kills me. School was way too much today, it felt like 10 hours even though it was only 3. I can feel my lies crumbling, like just a little bit. I don't even know what they see when they look at me, if they believe me at all. Everyone else is there to work on themselves and get better while I just want to fucking die. There was a silent dispute between two classmates over alcohol and I just lied about my weekend. I couldn't say anything.

In fact I can't say much about anything and it just fucking kills me. Another classmate had made cake and let everyone have I couldn't even tell her why I didn't want any. I feel as though I just don't belong there at all. I don't belong anywhere but my lies are just making me so damn tired. Soon, I feel they will come apart, fall to pieces in my hands and just dissolve. I am made up of lies and it's so hard to just breathe. I regret going there today, didn't know it was gonna cause a shit storm in my head.

And everything just comes out in pieces and shatter and I can't really put it together. Chronologically or at all. And I've been so cold and cold sweating like crazy. My heart has been crazy, beating like insanely fast from morning to noon without ever calming down. Until I got home. Now I'm isolating and I'm gonna keep isolating until this ravaging chaos has calmed down. If that takes hours or days I don't fucking care.

I'm shutting down, my words run out of me and I can't really focus anymore. Eventually my computer just completely flipped out on me this morning as it had been on since Friday and I guess it didn't like that. So now it's been restarted and it was off for those 3 hours I was at school, so hoping it will run a bit smoother now. Okay, how do I stay awake? I need to rest but think I'll sleep forever if I do.

Almost forever, just about 5 hours. I'm so cold, just shivering endlessly under layers and layers of thick fabric. It's a hopeless case. Me still not eating probably contributes to me freezing my ass off too. The November coldness really didn't agree with me today. Now I just can't get warm no matter what I do, it's clawing into my soul. It's as if this coldness is internal, as my skin is warm, almost too warm, but not underneath. Like under my skin it's ice. It's a new thing for me, but I've heard others speak of it, especially others with eating disorders.

I'm still processing this day, at the same time as I try not to think about it too much. Still so very tired, I have to focus to just keep my eyes open. And my thoughts just spread in every direction, I hardly even know where to half the time. I might fall asleep soon again so posting this before I do.