Cold and tired

Somehow the night is over and it's Tuesday. School is cancelled today though. I'm so damn cold and tired, just want to crawl back into bed and stay there for the rest of the day. Just basically forced down a chicken salad right now, I'm so tired of that type of food by now. I'm shaking, can barely even sit still.

I won't reach my goal by Christmas, not this year either. Had over 1000 calories yesterday, but will try to make it less than 500 today. I'm still on the same weight no matter what though. Need to fast but just cannot. Maybe next weekend, maybe not. I don't know. It's been weeks since last time. I just feel like such a failure. If I can fast next weekend and all the weekends before Christmas I might be able to lose that weight, but not if I can't. It's just depressing me so much.

I slept on the couch this night, with something like fever dreams and constantly waking up. I was so warm then, basically throwing off my clothes and blankets, but now I'm so incredibly cold. It comes and goes, constantly shifting between being too warm and too cold again. I feel dying, though very slowly so. Just wishing for my heart to stop beating in my sleep or something. But that's likely not gonna happen.

My temperature is rising for no reason again. And I don't want to be awake and I don't want to sleep either. I was in bed for an hour, mostly thinking about stealing a kiss from K. Then I thought about other things about K too, but no sleep ever came my way, could barely even keep my eyes closed. Then smoked in bed, I don't care.

Unwillingly having coffee cause I have a caffeine addiction but it's gross. The sadness still tears me apart and I'm sick of it by now. I've been listening to The Crüxshadows since sometime yesterday now, the same favourite songs echoing in my headphones day and night. Now the gross coffee makes me feel sick but I still have to drink it. I'm causing myself a slight abstinence cause I can't stand it.

I can't force that many words out of me, although I'm trying cause I've got nothing better to do. Finally done with that coffee. Trying to fight all this emptiness, the long minutes so hollow that they echo. With no words, I truly feel empty. But stuck on my mind is that image of me stealing a kiss from K, wondering if it could ever happen. No, I'd more likely ask and accept it if I get a refusal. I stopped stealing things when life no longer had meaning.

And I'm half warm, half cold. It's like my body still hasn't recovered from the drinking, or from the still sort of ongoing starvation and all this dehydration. And I've been wondering what if I did a full health check up, would anything at all be wrong with me? Would it show signs of malnutrition, dehydration, a defected heart? Or will it still take more for any of that to happen?

I'm curious, but hardly worried. Just me and my never ending curiosity. I change the music for no reason, I'm all out of reasons. My body is so uncomfortable, I keep wanting to just crawl out of my skin. I'm not feeling so well today, despite having rested, having had both coffee and food, so maybe it was for the best that there was no school. And I think it's time for my next shot of testosterone tomorrow so I won't have to worry about school that day either.

Yes, finally my foundation has arrived, just need to pick it up from where they sent it. Will do so today but not right now. I don't know, I haven't decided yet, for when I will go. Hey, I washed my hands for the first time in days, maybe I'll brush my teeth for the first time in just about as long too? Gonna need a shower too before tomorrow at least. No, I don't even wash my hands or brush my teeth every day, hardly even every other day. I'm just lazy and have given up, but I try to look decent/clean during school at least. Try, don't always succeed to as I keep forgetting it.

Yeah, I've got my foundations on right now along with some transparent powder and really light shading. It's definitely the best type of foundation I've tried so far and will stick to it. Damn, it costed me nearly 800 kr altogether... better last me a while. I've nearly stopped taking my morning medication by now, I've taken maybe two doses in the past two weeks. I don't notice it much, but then I have so much else going on that if I do experience any kind of withdrawal it probably just disappears into the rest of the mess.

There's not much left in my life that I actually care about nowadays, except from a few people, but I don't really think that's the same thing. I mean I don't care about myself anymore. About sleep, medication, food or anything along those lines. Only things I still do care about is looking decent in public and being able to stand up every once in a while. I really do feel like I'm painting a decaying house that is falling apart from the foundation when I put on make-up on my face and dress up in half fancy clothes.

Like it's all for show, but I'm falling apart inside. I just won't let people see that. But me letting my dark circles under my eyes show through, and wearing the same outfits day in and day out, could be seen as a sign of something. But people are so easily beguiled, so easily fooled, I hardly have to try at all. Just don't stink more than cigarette smoke, don't look like trash, don't let them see me crumble.

Trying to not be bothered by the coldness cause I'll soon get too warm again, most likely. My body is hungry again, I don't feel like eating any more today, but I probably will. I'm having a protein shake, lunch is served. It's chilling me to the bone though, as it always does. And I keep updating tumblr then going back to my writing and back to tumblr, I have no life. Not today, not ever.