I'm not scared

Napped on the couch for a while, woke up 4:30-ish. Just continue drinking as if nothing happened. Damn, I slept all my drunkenness away, now I have to start over again. I'm running out of vodka again though. But won't buy more before next weekend. And music makes up for the suicide I can't commit. My thoughts take me places I don't ever want to be. Why? Why would they do that? I feel so beyond fucked up for my half illegal feelings (cause the feelings themselves can't be illegal, but the actions would be) and it's just tearing me apart all over again.

I wish I could tell someone about them, yet I don't want for anyone to know. Those feelings shouldn't even exist. In anyone at all. Just why do I collect darkness like flies are drawn to sugar? I'm tired of it, of never really being in my right mind. Of thinking these dark thoughts until I crumble beneath them. I don't even know when, why or how they first arose. How did I get that extremely messed up idea in my head? Probably from tv. Probably all those endless movies and tv-shows feeding me ideas. And now I can't get rid of it.

My mind is just so fucking dark and awful I don't even know where to start. And that thought, would be somewhere where I'd end. One of the last things you'd ever tell anybody. Even at gun point I'd keep my mouth shut. It would condemn me and of course, I'd rather die than let that piece of information about me leak out. I've tried to bury it, to stop thinking about it completely and somewhat move on from it, but it just doesn't work that way. Feelings might not last, but they always come back, and in that sense, they do last.

At least that kind of feelings. I've noticed they're in that category that will always stay with you. Like sexuality, it really isn't that far off from it. Like some kind of twisted fantasy that you cannot just ever let go of. It's been years. And it's staying. I don't want to think about it yet I do. I don't want to feel it yet I do. And my brain just keeps on reminding me. And it's just conflicts upon conflicts in my head, and they never fucking end.

I've had so much food today like seriously what the fuck. It's probably close to 1000 calories. And I'm finally getting drunk again. It took another 3 drinks. So I'm up at 7 now but barely even drunk. Damn sleep, ruining half of everything. Oh, they'll call soon, it's 7:00 am. The crew, that is. Me liking K's posts sometimes on tumblr, oh I'm not interested in the picture/gif, I'm liking him. It's not always like that though, but sometimes I just want to show my support or something, that hey I'm still here, just if and in case of anything.

And K, I would never actually do anything without your full consent. If we meet in person again, or in any situation, you know I always ask first. My questions might be weird as fuck, but you always have the option to decline. Whatever weird propositions I might have. I hope you've more than noticed my extreme caution. I'm still, perhaps overly, scared of hurting you. So I'm just always making sure you've agreed to everything before I go ahead, no matter what it's about.

Where are my thoughts? Perhaps a little bit of everywhere. Time for my morning coffee, although I doubt it will keep me awake that very long. Oh how I wish K would agree to be with me for just one night and then no more. Just one night. And I'd give up forever to touch you... I'd give up more than that though. I'd give up everything, fucking everything I have.

And I don't know if it can ever happen, maybe some kind of agreement, I don't know. I think they're both safe enough with me, but attracted? How can I ever even know. If they'd ever give me that chance, I wouldn't screw it up, not for anything in the world. How do I ever prepare for telling them? I'd have to prepare somehow or they might be "too busy" or something. Gah I can't stand it when everyone I really need to see suddenly are "too busy" like what the fuck? Take some responsibility!

I'm not trying to wreck your worlds or anything, fucking far from it. I'm here to give you my support, but you need to know. It's almost been as if people kinda seem to think if they just avoid me long enough the "problem" that they're not even aware of would go away. News flash, it doesn't work that way! Most of the time they don't even have the slightest clue what it's about either. It's as if they just assume it's something bad that when or if I actually do get to tell they're like "oh... that's not bad at all" and I'm like yeah I fucking tried to tell you so.

I really do hope they won't avoid me this spring. Maybe I won't say a daft, just to keep them from wanting to back away from me. I really couldn't handle that too. Like I only want to declare my love to K and if he thinks it's a good idea, let his partner know too. I'll talk to him first no matter what though. He's my main focus, he always will be.

But fact remains that it's of utter importance that I get to see him this upcoming spring. I really can't stress that enough. Hopefully in some kind of low key environment, not much or any other people around us. We'll see what I can arrange. I'm not afraid of telling him, I don't think he'll reject me or want more distance. No, I'd rather think he'd either be like "oh damn" or embrace me in a hug. Or both, what do I know. No, I'm not scared. It's something else gnawing at me still, but it's not fear.

I feel so safe with him, no reaction of his could scare me. He doesn't scare me, not one least bit. Not his darkness, not anything. This sadness still tears me apart, I cannot close my eyes, but yet I do, yet I do. I'll likely fall asleep soon so I guess I'll just post this now.