Left with what lingers

My coughing has now almost completely stopped. Just the regular one left and that's not too often. Still can't take deep breaths though, my chest still hurts and all that other fun stuff still remains. But it is a relief to not cough so much anymore. I can if I want to. I can if I want to, I've always believed that, that if I just want something bad enough I can make it happen. I've had my last glass and suddenly all I feel is empty. Last conversation left me feeling bad, but now I can't even feel that. Like, I always mess up one way or another, it's just my life. I can't care about it all the freaking time. It would destroy me more than it already does.

Just know that deep down I do care, I just can't reach it right now. I guess I need more coffee to deal with the hunger if I do plan to stay awake any longer, it's just hurting a tad too much for me to cope with. I don't know, I don't know anything anymore. Please come back tomorrow, I'm out of service. I tell myself, stay true, just stay true. When lies becomes the easy way, you know you're really fucked. Yeah I've been fucked over by life and myself more times than I can count by now, but I'm really trying to keep the few actual friendships I have left. To at least just fucking keep them. And the general rule to that is "simply" don't fucking lie, and the rest usually sorts itself out.

And I've never known a harder way to communicate since it all started. I do regret letting the lies take over me as much as they did. Okay I really feel like shit now. I'm sobering up and it hurts literally everywhere. From head to feet and everywhere in between. And I'm so, so tired but in a middle of a conversation that I feel is getting nowhere so might just call it off at any point from now cause I just need to fucking sleep. Feel as though I should really not be rude about it though.

I haven't listened to this playlist in ages but I've heard every song in it a million times. So tired of it. I listened to it for hours, until I changed it a few seconds ago, into something else. I dream of alternative universes and wish this world away. Stay, I whisper to it, as I fade away for the night.